what shall i do

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
what shall i do
6
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 6:15am
I really need some advice as i have been tearing my hair out over this one!!

Basically I was in a relationship for six months - the best I have ever been in - trust, sexual compatibility, laughs, the lot.

I travelled abroad for seven months. He knew from day one that i was going to do this and he supported me. We cried at the airport. When I was away, he broke up with me after one month! Since then, he would write emails, send letters and gifts: he said he wanted me back.

I came back, he met me at the airport. I stayed at his, but told him I had had a brief relationship while I was out there (he had broken up with me so it wasn't cheating).

Two or three times he said he wanted to make another go of things - on these occasions I said I wasn't ready. Then I found out he slept with someone (he had also been seeing while I was away).

I was devastated. He says she treats him badly and that he doesn't trust her. I have been shifted to the sidelines. He does want to be friends with me, but I am scared to see him as I still have such a strong attraction towards him(i feel he does too).

After all that, my question is this? Am I chasing a lost cause? Will he come back to me? Or once you've been hurt, is it time simply to move on? Shall I stay friends?

Thanks,

Mrs Wallis

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 11:41am
Since you had only known one another 6 months when you left, you probably didn't have enough of a solid foundation built for a relationship and that's why it crumbled soon after your departure. During the past 7 months you have both continued living your life. What's wrong with that? It's up to the 2 of you to decide whether or not you want to be together, whether you agree on exclusivity, etc. It depends on what YOU both want and the level of trust you have between you. Can it work? Sure, if that's what you both want and if you're both on the same page about a LOT of other things (all the things it takes to create a healthy and successful relationship, which is more than physical attraction or enjoying someone's company). Only you know what you want and if he fits the bill (and vice versa). The only time it works to remain friends with an ex is if you are both truly over one another and truly do not desire anything but a platonic relationship from the other. If you don't feel jealousy about him being with someone else, then you can be his friend. Otherwise, not.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 5:53pm
mrs. wallis2004...

One question from Pianoguy:

"How can 2 people be friends with each other when there's no trust?" Irregardless of the fact that you had broken up....there's still the issue that you 'did the nasty' with somebody else...and so did he!

Can you get these events out of your head....or will there always be an 'undercurrent of suspicion' the scenerio will repeat itself?

Think about it...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:53am
Hey Piano Guy!

That was a bit harsh, but I know what you mean. DO you think that after time we could get the trust back again and try once more. when I was with him, I never thought about cheating and never would, and I know he wouldn't either.

I shouldn't feel guilty for getting close to someone else though after he broke up with me! My friend was trying to set him up on dates while i was away!

p.s. I sent him texts this morning saying i couldn't even be friends after what he did, but he phoned me straight away in a panic.

I do want him back, i can't lie, but i want some advice on how i can do this - they say if its meant to be it will be, but i'm not so sure.

Any advice, oh wise one? :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:29am
Hello again, mrs. wallis!

Trust is probably the 2nd or 3rd most important element in any relationship. Love comes in at #1...and trust is based on HONESTY. If honesty has deteriorated, how can any of us feel comfortable enough to "trust" the person who wants to be with us.

Pianoguy knows several couples who have "reunited" after a falling out. Some have been capable of dismissing a past disappointment and moving forward. Others have spent the time looking for a partner to screw up...and eventually there's another split...which is usually permanent!

It's just a suggestion....but it might be a good idea if the 2 of you meet up for dinner at a public restaurant....or somewhere on "neutral ground?" Don't do the "I'll come back to your place or you can come over and we can talk about this" bit!

"Que Sera Sera" is a lovely song...but it's not going to solve your relationship problem with this man. You need to "come clean about your feelings" with him and vice versa!

Best wishes and warm thoughts...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 11:23am
Dear Piano Guy,

Thanks for your advice. I agree on some points.

However, I have already told him my feelings. He is with someone else.

Now I just want my dignity back. I am meant to be meeting him on Friday, but am not going to contact him again. I think this will spell out that I have given too much to deserve to be treated with such callous and cold behaviour - twice!

I feel if I don't contact him he will eventually work out why - i have been too forgiving up to this point. If he works it out and wants to try again, he will try. If not 'que sera sera' that it wasn't meant to be, and i kept my dignity.

Don't u think that sounds cool?

Do you have any problems I can give my feeble advice on too?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:23pm
mrswallis2004...

The word "dignity" seems out of place here. It makes a woman sound a little...err...stuffy?

If the man you're interested in is happier with the person he's with now...then let him do so and don't communicate with him at all. Forget about closure (women want it, but a man won't necessarily provide it)....so move forward toward greener pastures.

FYI...Doris Day sang "Que Sera Sera" in 2 movies....

1. The Alfred Hitchcock Thriller: "THE MAN WHO KNEW TOO MUCH"

2. A charming little 1962 comedy called: "PLEASE DON'T EAT THE DAISIES" with David Niven.

In both cases...the song was cute...but didn't offer much in the way of a "life lesson" to sustain a relationship. Maybe this is a good time to try a different tune if you're seriously interested in rekindling a romance with your former b/f?

But please...avoid "The Greatest Love Of All" (both George Benson and Whitney Houston vaersions).....since that song contains the word "dignity" in it!

Pianoguy