What should i do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
What should i do?
8
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 10:48am
Take into account that I've been happily single for a year now, go me. I started school at a new university and I have been enjoying my time with my girl friends and the new people ive met. However, I met this guy and we started really hitting it off. But i broke it off with him after knowing him for only a month because i felt that things had gone too fast for me and that i wasnt exactly ready for something so serious. well, he took it the wrong way I guess, because we stopped talking all together for 2 weeks. When I finally called him to see what was up, he told me he hadnt called because he was giving me my space. I totally appreciated it, but felt that he misunderstood my intentions. i didnt want to break things off completely, i just wanted to take them slower, and i guess i hadnt been very clear about that at first. however, even after i told him this, things still werent the same. it took me coming to his house and confronting him in person and telling him VERBATUM how i felt. still, even though it seemed that things were better, right after i left things went back to the way they had been. today, i talked to him... and he told me that he was confused and that he still likes me but not as much as before, but that he wants things to be like they were before. i asked him what he wanted me to do, and he told me that he couldnt tell me that. so, i asked him if he wanted to work on things or if he wanted me to just leave him alone, and he said he wanted to work on things. this makes me feel good because he wants to work on things... but a little scared because he could totally change his mind and believe its better that he just stay single. throughout our little break... i couldnt stop thinking about him and how much i wanted to be with him... and now im so scared. advice on what i should do and how i should handle this would be much appreciated, thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 12:28pm

I know you are hurting and scared but I can see this guy's point of view. Once you kill the momentum, things are not quite the same. Think about it. When a guy has said to you that he needed space and distance, it usually meant that the relationship was one foot in the grave. I have not done this to a man and no man has ever told me that he wanted to slow things down - however - I have only had 2 serious relationships in my life. The rest were not serious at all - more casual in nature so that statement would not have applied. Your SO doesn't want to be yanked back and forth emotionally. Now he is untrusting of your actions and words because things were going so well and poof! you wanted to slow things down. When someone wants to slow things down...it means something is not right somewhere. Maybe it is timing, or person or place...but when things are right you don't want to slow things down because it feels too good. If you are too scared to enter into a relationship in a mature fashion, which is what this says to me, then don't date with the intention of commitment. There are plenty of guys out there who would love to date a woman casually.

Yes, your fears are not unsound. He could change his mind and decide that he doesn't want a relationship with you, and that is the chance you take when you crush someone's desires. If I were him I wouldn't hear anything in my head but, "okay time to go" and I would feel justified in leaving because I don't need my heart jerked around because someone is scared of getting close.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-03-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 1:58pm
It's always a risk no matter what the situation when it comes to our hearts. Even though you made mistakes and pulled away from him, nobody should be held hostage. Make sure you treat each other right. If he's treating you well and you're still scared, then the fear is just in your head and if you have to try and move past it or you will carry negative energy around and drive him away that way anyway. Just be optimistic and confident about your qualities.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 4:45pm
I don't know about "work on things"...that seems like something you do when you're in a relationship. You guys are just friends at this point, right? Also, he likes you but not as much as before? That would tell me a lot. This guy doesn't want anything complicated with you, from how it sounds. It sounds like things were nice and simple when you were full-on seeing each other, but now you're wanting to put rules on how it goes and he's not feeling the censorship, so he's just kind of over it. I'm guessing you guys will probably go out casually now if anything. Which is what you wanted anyway, right? It was getting serious too fast. I would suggest just trying to have fun with him when you do see him and not get too wrapped up in the theory of it all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 12:49pm
thanks for the responses guys. i hung out with him last night... and things went really well. it was almost as though things had never changed. the only thing i still notice is that when we arent together, i dont recieve the cute messages and he doesnt seem to try as hard as he was before. so, i guess we aren't JUST friends because we dont act like that when we are together. I still feel though that hes very hesitant about being with me, and I dont really know what to do to reassure him that i really want to be closer with him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2006
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 3:55pm
It seems like you want to take back what you said to him about not wanting to get serious so fast. You asked him for space and time, and he gave it to you, and now you don't want it after all and just want things to be how they were. This is probably confusing him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 06-22-2007 - 11:12am
Over time the cute messages and efforts die down anyway. But if you see it as a sign of things to come then you might want to address it with him. You cant do anything to reassure him that you still want a relationship with him than what you probably already have done. He may need to go through a period of reestablishing trust with you and assess whether he still wants to be with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2006
Sat, 06-23-2007 - 11:40pm

okay, so we talked... and we have decided that we both want to date each other and no other people. which i guess is good. but he doesnt want anything too serious. haha, this is such a confusing situation. should i take this as a sign that things probably wont work out, or should i just take things as they come. he says he doesnt want anything serious right now, but that he cant say they wont eventually get there. the way he put it was that before things were so fast, and now since we have had our little break or whatever, he wants to do things the right way? it sounds good to me, because that way theres always a chance that things will be awesome.

thanks so much for the advice!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Sun, 06-24-2007 - 11:46am
I would just take things as they come now. There really is no "right" or "wrong" way - what is right for the two of you may not be right for another couple. Each couple establishes their own tempo. If all along he was feeling that he was moving too fast, maybe this break helped him to be bold enough to finally tell you. Or he's just feeding you b.s. so you allow him to slow things down. Only time will tell what his intentions are for you and him.