What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2006
What should I do?
14
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:19pm

I've sort of been a wreck since last Friday, and to be honest, I'm still not really sure why.

Things with guy that I've been seeing for just over 2 months now, have been going well. He always calls me at least twice a day; we make it a point to see each other at least once a week. We list our status as "dating exclusively".

Last week, we had an impromptu talk which came about because I noticed that he was being slightly cold with me that day, a few days after our 2 month mark (which I foolishly pointed out to him). He said that he wanted to "be cautious" with me, by refraining from doing things that would make it seem as though he wanted something more when that wasn't the case. (We haven't slept together yet, but we want to; We've just been having some fun during our "makeout sessions"). He's also said that he doesn't want to have "labels" at this point because he still wants his freedom to spend his time with his friends, etc.

Granted, I just got out of a three year relationship, so moving slow (as he wants) is great. I'm just concerned that he is afraid of committments. His last relationship lasted three months (ended in January), but from what he volunteered, his ex seemed to have destroyed him. He's never been in any other "long-term" relationships before.

He doesn't pursue me like he used to in the beginning. Is this because he's comfortable with me now??

On the other hand, his words/actions makes it seem as though he WANTS to be with me. So I'm confused.

I dont know whether I can bring this up to him again. I don't want it to seem as though I'm nagging him. But at the same time, I need for him to see that I'm not like that girl that he used to date; I just want to treat him right, and treat him like he deserves to be treated.

I don't even know if there *is* a problem; in all of my past relationships, things happened so quickly. Perhaps *I'm* not used to taking things slow...?

Someone, please help...I need to put my mind at ease...

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 1:27pm

Time will tell. I would do nothing other than observe and evaluate his behavior over the next couple weeks to a month or so.

FWIW, thought, you can't get him to "see" anything with respect to his ex and how you're different. That's something HE needs to do on his own. If he's having emotional issues and carrying baggage from his last relationship that's his issue to deal with.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2006
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 3:08am

Thanks, Sheri =)

I think I will do what you suggested (and what others have recommended) and not say anything right now.

One of my friends thinks that since we're just dating (and only for two months), it's much too soon to talk about something so "serious" right now. And it will probably push him away...

So, as hard as it is, I'm just gonna bite my tongue for now and not say anything until the time is ABSOLUTELY right!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 8:04pm
I'd attempt to say that his change in attitude and teatment toward you is due to your statement of the "2-month mark". He may be thinking that he's comfy with things as they are, but that you're thinking ahead in terms of "serious relationship". You have make-up sessions and plan to have sex, but it's all casual. Two months is a short time to be thinking in "she's the one", but time to discover the others likes and dislikes, goals and standards in life, see if you share similar values, etc. The labels would change the status and therefore his committment to you and the relationship. Up until now you talk daily and meet once a week at least. He has time to meet his buds and, perhaps, date other women. Labels as in "GF and BF" would change this. He doesn't seem ready to do so. I'd just date him and see how things progress.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2006
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 8:14pm

Thanks, lightandbright =D

Does anyone think I'm doing the right thing here, by NOT talking to him about this?

Should I bring this topic up to him, or just keep it to myself and go with the flow?

See on one hand, I'd like clear the air. I want him to understand that although I may have mentioned that we've been seeing each other for two months, I didn't imply that I wanted anything more than what we've got here (for now, that is), as what he most likely thinks.

I also missed him doing the small things, like calling every once in a while to see what I was up to, or asking me to come out because he had to see me. I just took that as he was really interested; now, he's probably not doing those things because he thinks I take it for more than what it means...

I know I'm a pretty fair woman when it comes to relationships. Not pushy, and I tolerate A LOT of things that others think I'm crazy to do, but I know that guys need their time alone/with their friends; perhaps that has to be something that he trusts in/understands in time...?

As much as I want to spill this all out for him, I also know that guys hate to have to deal with this stuff (esp. over and over again). He might think that I want more than what we already have. If I choose to tell him any of this, it might push him further away, and I don't want that either.

What do you think would be the best thing to do in this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2004
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 8:25pm
oh! my dear Sheri, i kind of see myself into u as i have shared a similar experience... the only advice i could give u because it worked for me...is to leave the guy some time...it is going to be tough but try to step back for a while...let him think the situation through and he will come back to u if he does like u...i do think he might be affraid of commitment or in giving too much of himself to u...men are a piece of work!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 11:00pm

If you want to continue seeing him, but his change in bahevior bugs you, I'd have a talk to clear the air. It seems that you're more emotionally invested than him already and that's why you keep track of "mark dates". If he's changed his behavior to less careing toward you and you feel affected by this then I'd suggest to talk to him and ask him point blank "what's changed. Why aren't you calling me as often as before? One other possibility is that "the honeymoon stage" is over, although a little early, and you're seeing his true self. He may be the type of not calling that often or just meeting once or twice a week.

I don't really understand the statement of "I tolerate A LOT of things that others think I'm crazy to do,...". It sounds like you allow -maybe innapropriate behaviors and disrespect toward you- to happen. I'm just speculating and it's not a good sign, you know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 2:12am

Well, no...

I guess it was a bad choice of words on my part. I meant that for a girl, yes I am comfortable enough to have the guy I'm seeing watch porn, or read "those kinds" of magazines, even go to a strip club =P A lot of girls that I know personally wouldn't like that sort of thing going on, but as long as it's not going overboard, I really don't mind.

Because I am this way, I sometimes don't understand why he "wants his freedom" (to be with the guys) and etc., as even *I* like to be alone sometimes, or just go out with my friends without having *him* there (which most guys like, right?)

I just forget how to be independent like that sometimes when I'm really interested in someone *shrugs* =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 4:05am
Thanks for the clarification. Remember to be yourself always, even when dating. Have a life of your own where you go out with friends and then talk to your BF about it. I bet that is one of the things he likes about you. Having a personal life and being in a relationship is a aspect of every relationshi.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2003
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 12:39pm


'What do you think would be the best thing to do in this situation?'

In one word, nothing. I've always believed there isn't really much of a point to the whole 'what are we and where are we going with this' talk concept. (at least in Europe - where exclusivity is assumed from the start). If a relationship IS going somewhere you will not need to ask - you will know because his actions will show that it is. If he is not all that into you and wants it to remain casual talking about the fact that you want it to be more will not change his feelings. So I would just wait and see.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2006
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 1:36pm
just a quick question....how old is this guy??

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