what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
what should I do?
9
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 7:05pm
I been in this relationship with this guy for over five years, the problem is he is divorced and has a child with this other women. Our disagreement is that he feels that it is okay for them to talk several times a day all hours of the night and that I should except this because it is the mother of their child. My thoughts are that she should only call if it pertains to the little boy. But he insists that he has to kiss her butt and keep a relationship with her so that he can see his son when he wants(they have a court order but wishes to have additional time). He keeps me a secret from her because he is afraid that if she finds out then she will give him a hard time seeing the little boy. Im not sure if I am being played and should move on or if the relationship they have is no big deal. What do you guys think?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 7:56pm
First of all, if he wants more time with his child, go to court over it. Courts approve 50/50 custody, a father's strong presense is a very well documented factor in a child's well being and unless he's a drunk or abuser, he's not going to have a problem getting more visitation.

And it is not ok to have a relationship with his ew if it's making you uncomfortable. It's one thing to be friendly, but chatting on the phone is a bit much. Their personal relationship is over and they only need to co-parent together. You're right on that count. Maybe it's not over for them and that's why after five years of dating him, you're not engaged or living with him. There's no justifiable reason why you should be a secret. He acts like he's ashamed of you. If you're his partner, he should have you at his side, not waiting on the sidelines.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:30pm
I think that's totally inappropriate and that few women would put up with that. He's kept you a secret for FIVE YEARS???? That is ridiculous. And yes, he should only be speaking to her about their child; talking several times a day at all hours is just out of line.

Unless you are willing to go along with the situation for another five years, it's time to walk away. I think he's using the child as an excuse not to change anything about your relationship.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 8:43pm
Chances are that the relationship between he and his ex really is no big deal nor a direct threat to you. However, he is allowing himself to be a participant in a manipulation game. I wonder if he has any backbone at all. I have been to hell and back with my ex-wife including her filing false claims in a court of law, suggesting that I am a threat to the safety of my daughters in an effort to secure more child support money out of me. Manipulation games regarding kids are common and I'd highly recommend that you learn the facts as to what is going on before making a relationship decision.

What he is doing is not right nor acceptable. It lacks backbone and integrity as a man. The main question will be - are you interested and willing to help change the current environment? This will not be an easy task and I would not fault you at all if you made the decision to move on with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:18pm
I wouldn't get too wierd about it but just tell him to slowly cut the conversations shorter and tell him your feelings of being left out of his life.

And try to plan things together with him to keep him off the phone. Just do things gradually. If you put your foot down now, you'll just create problems.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:22pm
Sorry to tell you this but courts do not give fifty fifty custody. I don't know what planet you're on but men are lucky to get 20% custody. There's a difference between legal and physical custody. Men are very lucky to get weekends. Usually the courts only give two weekends a month from Sat Noon to Sunday Noon. Does that sound like fifty fifty to you?

It's so bad that many men's groups have taken to picket family courts with signs saying, "Dads are parents too" and the like.

I have a daughter that I'm EXTREMELY close to and had to fight for months to get three weekends a month from Friday after school to Sunday night.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Fri, 08-06-2004 - 9:44pm
You are correct about the custody, he like yourself only gets every other weekend. Which I understand is not a lot of time. But my problem is that he is trying to have a relationship with this mother(he calls it smoothing her over) just so he can keep her happy so when he calls and wants extra time with the child he can get it, but the problem is that when he calls she expects that he spend time with all three of them, which he will do just so he can see his son, did I mention that this woman really, really wants him back. She will call ten to twenty times aday begging him to come back. When I bring up the subject that it should be just about his son he gets upset and yells at me about how is he suppose to see his son if he does not kiss her ass, and he expects me to be okay with this arrangement.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 12:01am
Well, wait a minute, you didn't tell me that she calls dozens of times a day wanting him to come back.

Now, it's a whole new ballgame.

You need to put a stop to it all or leave. How could you live like that? He's playing both sides of the fence, disrespecting you, and he's not man enough to make a decision AND he's using his own child as an excuse for his own bad behavior.

My God..why do you women put up with all of this? Let me give you a clue: men will get away with what you let them get away with. Nothing more, nothing less. And you are letting him get away with this.

You mean, you know she desperately wants him back and that she calls all day long begging him to come back and you sit there watching TV in the other room while he talks to her for hours on the phone all night? MY GOD...

Give him a wake up call and leave. Give him a couple weeks alone and then tell him to end his BS with his ex if he wants you back with him. If he continues to use the old line about his kid, just move on.

Geeze..

Tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 1:47pm
I'm in CA where most dads I know have 40-50%. What's the difference between the mom or dad schlepping the kids to day care and soccer practice during the week??? The CA family court really supports 50/50 visitation and if the dads want it, the moms' hands are tied. I know a man who essentially walked out, but two years later, met a woman and wanted to have his kids back now that he was remarrying. He didn't know his kids' favorite foods, their routines, their hobbies, nothing. One moment he didn't have his kids, the next moment he had them 50% _without_ a transitional period. Moms in CA have to really have a serious load of paperwork, have documented everything in order to deny kids access to their fathers. I know another woman whose ex was really well known at children services for abusing his kids...they started out with supervised visitations only and now presently even he's got his daughter 50%. They've been to court on a yearly basis because he's been fighting for his rights to have his daughter with him, and he's been consistently getting more and more time. Regardless of his past behaviors with his sons.

And I take exception to your wondering what planet I'm on just because you live in some community that's not as progressive. I'm sorry for your tough fight in court to get access to your child, but can you drop the personal dig?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-07-2004 - 1:53pm
Yep, that's the case here in WA also. The "default" is generally 50/50 residential time unless there are compelling reasons why one parent should have less time.

I'm sure there are still states where this isn't the case, but to wonder what planet you're from was really uncalled for!!!

Sheri