what should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
what should I do?
11
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 4:39am
I like this man who I have had sex (twice) with. But he dosen't like me in that way and only wants to be friends but have casual sex. However, he hasn't been calling me as much as I would like. I did ask him recently if he had a date, and I have been acting a little clingy. Do you guys think I'm losing him?? We have been corresponding only on-line lately (last 2 weeks) and he hasn't asked to see me again for sex ( the last time was about 2 weeks ago). Am I losing him, or will a man continue to have sex with a "friend" as long as it's offered? Should I initiate our next meeting? He did say he likes sex very much with me and he likes my company. And is it possible for a casual sex relationship to turn into a romantic one even if the man says initially that he only wants to be friends??

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 8:49am
Get out of this right now.

You are incapable of having a FWB it's obvious by the way you write in your post that you want a relationship with this man and you are hoping for that to be the outcome. It won't and the only thing you will have is a broken heart.

Women can have a casual sexual relationship with a friend, but they go into it knowing that its just sex and that's it, they do their own thing when they want too and the two of them get together to hook up.

You are setting yourself up for heartbreak, very rarely does a FWB turn into a romantic relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 12:29pm
I agree with LH here - I don't think you can handle a FWB relationship and frankly I think he knows this too. It is extremely rare to "sex" your way into a serious relationship.

Its time to take personal responsibility and accountability. Recognize that you are a willing and active participant in this and that in no way is he "using" you. Consider what you really want in your life then chart a plan of action to get there. Keep your focus on character and qualities rather than thinking "I want him". The more you focus on "I want him" or become clingy with him - the more he will distance himself from you.

There is nothing wrong about his choice. You have the choice not to play in to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 2:49pm
Once you have sex, you're done. From his perspective, he thinks you were easy, and he's probably moved on to the next target. You have to work up to sex, not start with it, if you want a relationship. If the emotional bond isn't there for both of you, it will be just sex for the guy. Unfortunately you need to cut your losses and move on. Since your username is "imhealing", I would say you are probably working on developing some self- esteem. If so, it would benefit you to step away from "relationships" with men for the time being and use your energy to become the person you want to be, including setting boundaries so you don't feel "used" by men. Then you'll start attracting men who respect you and are willing to develop relationships instead of just having sex.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:51pm
I can't get out now, I'm in too deep. Or maybe I don't want to. For now, I wouldn't mind just having sex with him, if he still wants it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 4:00pm
porcupine, You say once you have sex you're done? Well, you could be right, but he had sex with his last girlfriend on the first date and they ended up in a two-year relationship. I have told him that being "FB'S" is fine with me. I just enjoy sex with him and wish I didn't have to wait for him to initiate our next meeting. If there will be one, which I don't see why there wouldn't be since he enjoys the sex so much(that's if he wasn't lying about it).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 4:07pm
You are choosing this path, so don't try to blame it on some "love" fest you have going on in that you are "in too deep". You aren't just interested in sex, you want more, that's totally evident. I suggest you get yourself into some counseling because you are lacking a lot in the self esteem department, and you are hoping that the more "great" sex you give him the more he won't be able to resist you and you will fall hopelessly in love with each other.

Sad.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:35pm
Lovin hockey17, I hear what you are saying, but how do you know that we won't fall madly in love with each other?

I really do understand where you are coming from, but aren't there any variables in situations like these? Is everything always so black and white?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 7:34am
Obviously not all things are black and white, but you aren't listening to him, You are too busy hoping for your future to listen to what he is saying, he is telling you he wants nothing from you but SEX. That is not going to change, its highly doubtful that he's going to suddenly want you to be the mother of his children. You are the one that has your head in the clouds about this relationship.

I have a FWB, we know the boundaries, I am not expecting us to become a couple, we have been together for 4 years. Both of us are in it for the same thing. YOU ARE NOT! You cannot be in a FWB unless you both want the same thing, which is Friendship with SEX, you want to develop a romance with him, therefore you are going to be hurt.

But its obvious you didn't really want help with this situation, you just want someone to tell you it will be a romance, so go ahead and have your relationship...what do I care, I was trying to help but you don't want it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 11:09am
"I like this man who I have had sex (twice) with. But he dosen't like me in that way and only wants to be friends but have casual sex."

Does this sound like a man who is falling madly in love with you? You need to deal with the relationship you have.... not the one you WISH you had. You are walking on dangerous ground here, by hanging on to a casual sex relationship in the hope that he will change his mind about you and want more. It just doesn't happen very often.

And it's really not about the sex. Sex won't make a man stay if he wants to leave, and a man doesn't necessarily throw a woman away just because she had sex on the first date. It all depends on whether he likes her AS A PERSON, and how excited he is about her. If he a man likes you, he generally pursues you... meaning he calls regularly, he wants to see you and he takes you out.

You need to be honest with yourself about whether you are truly OK with settling for a "just sex" relationship. Doesn't sound like it, to me. But you're a big girl... you can make your own decision, where that is concerned.

But the fact that you feel like you have to chase him down for SEX does not sound hopeful. So, stop contacting him. If you want to know how interested he is, let him come after YOU.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Wed, 04-21-2004 - 12:00am
well, he contacted me by IM. Why does he keep contacting me. Does anyone know why he just won't leave me alone??

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