What should I do with a no-marriage man?
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| Sun, 03-21-2004 - 2:36pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 very happy years, and we both enjoy one another as much, if not more than we did when we first began dating. We managed to thrive during the first eight months of our relationship when I was working in a different state, and we both view that time as the crucible of our love. If we can remain strong through eight months of seperation, then we can make it through anything.
Yet, after all this time, when ever I bring up marriage he insists that he never wants to marry. He feels that it "messes things up" and that he'd never make a promise (till death to us part) he wasn't positive he could keep. True, no one knows what the future will bring, yet he has told me numerous times that he is with me "for the long haul."
We're saving to buy a house together next year, after I graduate college.
He is inflexible on this point at the moment: that he loves and is committed to me for the long term, but he simply won't consider marriage, and I find that strange since his own parents have a solid 25 year marriage brimming with love.
He also doesn't want children
Neither of us has a religous background compelling us to marry, and honestly having him in my life is more important than a cermemony, but marriage is important to me.
I don't want to be his girlfirend forever, I want to be his wife. I feel marriage is a community commitment, family and friends as witnesses and supporters of a loving partnership, and even though I deeply value the private promise he has already made to me I want that commuinty of support.
We're too young right now, I am 21 and he's closing in on 23. I am not asking for a June 2004 white wedding....I'd be thrilled with a "maybe in the future."
I respect his feelings about it, but I want him to acknowledge how important this is to me. We've discussed it several times, and this is always his answer and he's never comfortable in the conversation.
Should I let the issue go and compromise considering how vehemnetly he feels about this?
Should I continue to broach the subject periodically?
Should I be worried?
Sarra2821

He is being honest with you about his beliefs. He doesn't believe in marriage, he doesn't think he can promise to be with anyone for the rest of his life. He can acknowledge that marriage is important to you, but that will not ever make him actually marry you.
You should only let the issue go if you can honestly say you want to be with a man who will never marry you. Do not under any circumstances think you will chance his mind, or that given enough time and nagging he will give in. You need to respect his honesty. If you want to be married someday, really know in your heart you will not be happy unless married (I would feel this way too) the only answer is to walk away from the relationship. To stay and hope for a marriage proposal down the road is a waste of your time and will ultimately lead to more heart break for both of you. Also, it seems that right now you might be misleading him that you are willing to be in the relationship "for the long haul" absent a marriage proposal. You don't want that, so don't keep letting him think you will settle for less.
"Should I continue to broach the subject periodically?" No, accept his resolution to never marry. If you are okay with his decision in your heart, stay with him. If you know you will never be happy without this committment (most would not be okay with this), then leave him.
"Should I be worried?" If you think he will someday change his mind, then I am worried for you. You are insulting him if you think your love will overcome his determination to never marry. It's not a question of worrying, it's a question of life goals. You two have different life goals which will ultimately lead to the end of your relationship and considering this, I can't imaging what purpose buying a house serves for you.
To me, it sounds like he is afraid of something when we discuss marriage and children, as though he might fail somehow or be unfit for the job.
Being separated, makes the heart grow fonder or so they say, it seemed to have worked with you.
Honey you want marriage and he doesn't. He doesn't want children. Do you honestly think that in the future things are going to change? If you buy a house together and your relationship breaks up, you will have trouble.
He can just leave when he fancies it. What if he falls in love with another woman? You will have spent precious years that could have been used to find someone who wants what you want.
Even though you get along very well now, there is no garuantees that you will in the future.
Why are men like this anyway? I understand commitment-phobics, but I don't think that I have one of those. Everyone will disagree with me, but he's a solid guy, true to his word. He's sown his wild oats, he's had all the women he could want and he's found me, someone he's been very vocal about wanting to stay with....yet he's scared of marriage?
That's almost a contradiction in terms.
But you have a point.
What is the point if him acknowledging it is important to you? It doesn't change a thing, how would it make you feel better? To know that he agrees it is very important to you but it still isn't something he will ever want? He probably doesn't like talking about it because he doesn't want to keep justifying and explaining his position - because there is no point to having the discussion any more.
There is a difference between someone who is committment-phobic and someone who makes a concious decision to never marry and have children. You have the latter on your hands. If marriage is really important to you, why do you stay with him? You know you will never get what you want.
I personally think that marriage and committment are 2 very different things. I can be fully commited to a woman, where a marriage is a formal declaration of the commitment. A marriage does not change my thoughts, actions, responsibilities or obligations. I got married young and wish I had waited until my late 20s/early 30s. That is 7 to 10 years away for you. What would you like to accomplish over those years?