What should I do now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
What should I do now?
12
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 3:45pm

So there is this guy I met when I was out one night with friends a couple months ago. We have just recently started dating for the last month and a half. He pretty much calls or texts me every day. He's cooked me dinner, taken me out to movies, etc. We were even together on Valentine's Day, when we had only been seeing each other for a few weeks. We usually hang out at least a couple days a week. He has also tried computing our astrology "compatibility" when I was over, showed me his workplace, etc.

Today, however, I am confused. I know I should never do this stuff over text messaging, but he had happened to text me at 3am, like he does sometimes (very rarely) if I'm away, or he's with his friends just to say "hi". Sometimes it bothers me, because I feel that he only wants one thing, even though he's told me that he likes hanging out with me, etc. It may be because I was in a "friends with benefits" relationship up until a year ago which lasted about 9 months, and made me feel like crap afterwards, so I think it makes me a little paranoid at times if this guy happens to text me at a weird hour.

Anwyways, somehow I got in the conversation via text today about where I stand. I am really not the type of girl to ever ask about these things, but I really like him. I'm 22, and he's 29, which I would think he would be ready to settle down soon. I had told him flat out that I don't want to be just considered a "convenience" to him, and had asked him if there was ever a possiblity in the near future about starting something more, and if not, I wish he would've told me up front when I first met him that he didn't want anything more. He replied back, "It's not that I don't want anything more. I'm just not pushing for a relationship. I want to make sure the person I date is going to work. I don't want to rush it, and when I do, I want to make sure it's right." So, the impression I got from this is that the next person he is dating (be me, or whoever) is going to be THE one, and wants it to really work. I realize he just got out of a 2 and a half year relationship a little less than a year ago, but I don't know how to take his text. He mentioned to me that he is not seeing anyone else, and when we hang out he even gets jealous if one of my guy friends happens to call me, yet he's saying he doesn't want to "rush into a relationship" and is also saying at the same time that he could possibly want more.

What do I do now? Play hard to get? Or just leave it as it is, and give him time? I'm confused. Thank you all for your input.

Sorry so long!

-C

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:37pm

I would clarify any questions you have about your conversation the next time you are together in person. Trying to have that discussion by text and have it be at all helpful or useful is an exercise in futility and frustration--too much room for misinterpretation!

But FWIW, your interpretation about this mythical next person is NOT what I would have gotten from what was written.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:43pm
How would you have taken it, then?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 4:50pm

That he wants to take his time figuring out if the person he's dating is right for him. That sounds healthy to me and it doesn't sound to me like he's ruling you out in the least.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 5:03pm
I see. Thank you for your input. I greatly appreciate it. I just feel that it's conflicting information from him, since he says that he is not seeing anyone else, he likes to be with me, yet he doesn't know what he wants yet.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 5:32pm

Of course he doesn't know what he wants yet WITH YOU - it's only been about 2 months. This is a mistake made by many women. It comes across as you wanting as much as you can as fast as you can, with little consideration for him and his wants and needs.

In your first post you mentioned he said - "It's not that I don't want anything more. I'm just not pushing for a relationship. I want to make sure the person I date is going to work. I don't want to rush it, and when I do, I want to make sure it's right."

Here's what many men think.

It takes a lot of time to really understand a woman's wants, needs, expectations, goals, priorities, character, ethics and integrity BEFORE we decide if a serious relationship with her is what we want and will add value to our lives. It takes this time to really know if she can be the type of partner we want in our lives. It takes way more than 2 months, and if you push for this this fast, it can become a HUGE red flag. It takes around 12 months to really know if you are the one that will add the value we desire in our lives and will compliment our lives and our wants, needs, expectations, goals and priorities.

So, what's your next move? If you like this guy then keep dating him. It sounds like you are already exclusive - which is a good thing.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 5:33pm

Chill ;-)!!! You've only been dating for a month and a half!! That's WAAAAY too soon for anyone to know what they want with a particular person. It takes *at least* a good 4-6 months of dating to even BEGIN to have an idea of whether you might be truly compatible with the other person.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Fri, 03-23-2007 - 6:31pm

You're coming off of what can be considered a fling, he's coming off of what could have been a very serious relationship. What's the rush? Trying to push him to be your man so quickly could wind up pushing him away. You BOTH need some time to deal with what has happened. If this guy is as great as you think, then give it time to develop. Go out as friends, hang out and take it from there. See what develops but expect nothing.


Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 12:33am
Thanks to all have responded. I guess I am a little eager to understand where him and I are at...and I don't really know why. I never am usually like this, and I really do have feelings for this guy. This is the first time where I've actually asked a guy where we stand since my ex-boyfriend, which was over two years ago. I will be seeing him tomorrow night with some of our mutual friends at a bar, so I'll just keep it casual and see what happens between us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 8:48am

I know we girls have a need to know exactly where we stand all of the time and we do get paranoid because there are a lot of guys out there who just want casual sex and I'm sure there isn't a person on this board that hasn't experienced that.

I think he sounds really cool. A month and a half isn't long enough to determine what kind of relationship this is going to be. I wouldn't ask questions like that until you have a reason to. Just go with the flow and enjoy him being in your life. Give it some time. Sounds like he's into you which is great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 03-27-2007 - 10:58pm

I am going to add a thought here. While it may be too soon to ask where you stand with him, it is not too soon to ask where he is in his life right now. You assume he is ready to settle down at the age of 29, when that may not be case at all. He may want to do more with his life right now before he decides he wants wife and family. It is a guy thing that has broken many a woman's heart. So listen carefully to his wants and desires for his life or career and see if the timeline includes this relationship.

Don't play hard to get with him if you really like him. He was honest in telling you that he wants to take things slow. I think it's cute that he texts "hi" to you to let you know he's thinking of you. If you have used it as a signal to go home together, then that's a different story.

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