What would you do???
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| Thu, 08-17-2006 - 5:00pm |
I have been dating a man for over two years. We have shared incredibly good moments and been exclusive and monogomous. I admire and respect this man and I believe he loves me. was difficult to see each other as we lived a distance from each other and we are both really busy with our jobs and conflicting schedules. So last December I sold my home and moved closer to him. I know that it was a bold move but I was just so sure of my feelings, and us. I have a 15 year old son and he is an empty nester. He is reluctant about having my son in his life full time. That seems to be the biggest issue, however he is also a little OCD and gets bent outta shape if his space gets messed up or disorganized. I know that is hard to live with (for both of us) and I have thought about it alot, but he has alot of redeeming qualities and let's face it no-one is perfect. We all have to "learn" to live together...
The picture I have for myself is ...waking up with my partner, having coffee together, going to bed together at night, eating dinner together, planning vacations, creating a home together. I just want a regular committed relationship where we live our lives together. I don't want to set the world on fire ..just have a comfortable relationship and create a space together. It does not feel like we are headed in that direction. I feel lonely, and not a little confused.
It seems he cannot make that decision...He says maybe in another year...why? I think he is waiting for my son to grow up so we can be together, I love this time with my son and I am savoring every moment. His attitude puts me at odds with my own loyalty issues.
I am afraid I am investing a lot of emotional energy into something that is going no where. I feel like it needs to move. I know people have told me be happy with what you have with this man....but to me, this is "settling" It is not the life I had pictured for myself when I had found the person I wanted to be in a committed relationship with.
The problem is, I am now at a point where I don't really want this man the same way as I used to .... the fact that I have to do all the wanting has "taken the wind out of my sails" so to speak. It's like the song "You've Lost that Lovin Feelin'" I feel like I've lost it. His ambivalence and fears have made me lose some respect. When I see him, I still love the way he looks and we have great conversations....but I see him as a "wimp" Afraid to commit to the next level!
Some People say "You have to find your happiness with in, be your own best friend etc. etc.I know how to live alone, I have been alone for 10 years. I like myself alot. I don't need someone to take care of me. I am financially secure and very independant. It is just that I found this person and I experienced a "grand passion" for the first time since I was 17 and I felt I really wanted to just share my life with him. I am so dissapointed. I have tried to break up with him so I can just move on, but he gets really sad and calls to put it back together, but nothing ever changes. He is always affectionate and gentle and makes me feel beautiful so I don't have the heart to turn him away when he begs me to "wait" for him to make up his mind about when, and how he can give me what I want with regards to the "Big Picture". I am afraid I am becoming seriously depressed about this and I don't know how to fix it. I would never give him an ultimatum...who wants someone that you have to pressure into being what you want them to be?
How do I get it back....Can I get it back...Should I move on and find what it is I am really looking for? Would couple's counseling help? I feel like I have made all the accomodations to make this work and he has really had to do nothing.....I am feeling so much resentfulness it is becoming toxic. What once felt really good is turning out to be not so good afterall.... What would you do? Blue

Hi Blue,
There are so many factors in your letter about this relationship, but your priorities have GOT to be your own well-being and the well-being of your son. If you feel your boyfriend is avoiding a full-blown commitment to you because he doesn't want to share the responsibility of parenting your son, I think your decision is clear. A relationship is wonderful and important, but they can come and go. A son is yours forever.
If this were a case where everything was fine between you and this man, and it came down to trying to bring him closer to your son, I'd say it would be worth the effort. But it sounds like you have serious misgivings about your boyfriend, period. And that is evident in the way you talk about his OCD and his ambivalence... it's eroding your respect for him and making you love him less.
I hate to seem like one of those people who are quick to urge women to leave a relationship, but more often than not, a woman who is complaining about her relationship is really HURTING. And then, you add in the fact that she has a child who also might be suffering because he feels rejected because of your relationship. How can I, in good conscience, advise you to stay in a situation like this?
Of course you want a good life with a good man, and you want to be a family. But hon, this man does not sound like he's on board with you. If he doesn't want to be a stepfather, it doesn't make him a BAD person... just someone who isn't up for that very real responsibility.
If you feel like you're settling, you are. It's worse to be IN a relationship and lonely than to be on your own.
If you're determined to stay, I say definitely give him the ultimatum. All that means is that you decide how long YOU are going to stay around without being engaged. Either he wants to set a date or he doesn't. The decision to stay in limbo is yours.
Good luck.
I have a friend of mine that went through something extremely similar. She had a daughter, and felt it was important to make the last few years of living with her daughter a priority. My friend also met a man that had his own place and, although the two of them were intimate and loved each other, my friend's boyfriend kept her at arm's length. Even though my friend had every other weekend free, her boyfriend rarely stayed the night.
My friend dated this man for 5 long years figuring once her daughter graduated and went away to college, she could move the relationship to the next level, as this man had promised. Unfortunately, when that day finally came, the man dumped her.
This man of yours, blubaby, likes things exactly as they are. He enjoys your company but after 2 years he has agreed to nothing more than what he is giving you right now. Either accept what he offers or move on without him.
You cannot "fix" this all by yourself. Your guy has to want to "learn to live together" as much as you do, and obviously, he does not share your vision. You are settling and you have no choice but to move on, if you want to see your dream come true. You will be amazed at how much easier and unconflicted life is when you find someone who wants to be with you to the same degree you want to be with him.
I stayed with a commitmentphobe for five years. As soon as my youngest left for college, he dumped me. I don't think that was a coincidence. He used my children as an excuse for not marrying me. I just wish I could have back all the time I spent with him instead of with my children. You can never regain that precious time with your children. I now see my obligation was so much more to them than him.