What Would You Do?
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| Sat, 08-13-2005 - 5:47am |
J and I have been friends for 10 years. A couple of years ago, we kicked it up a notch, though never to the level of a committed r-ship. Things were going well, until he started acting shady. He'd say he was coming over, but wouldn't, and then there was always an excuse (I was sick, etc.) But every time I try to call him on it he'd say there was no problem. I would ask if it was me, if I'd made him mad, if he just didn't want to hang around me anymore. I thought since we were friends he could tell me the truth, but no. I tried to tell him that what he was doing was really hurting me, which I thought as my friend he would care about, but he still acted the same.
So I would try and leave him alone - sometimes write an angry letter, sometimes just not calling him - and then he'd always make contact and stay in contact with me like "the old days." I tried in good times and bad to tell him how much his blowing me off hurt me and beg him to tell me what I'd done wrong. And he'd always tell me that I was foolish to think I'd done anything other than be a wonderful friend and person.
Finally he gave me the "i don't like coming around you because I don't feel like I'm man enough for you" speech. I felt like it was a line but it took me a year for him to admit that something was up!!
Fsat forward to my point - now that we supposedly have had all of this beef out the way, I would think we'd be okay; at least we'd be friends again. I came home for a visit and, just like the last several times, the DAY I get in town he stops calling. Because he knows when I'm leaving he usually doesn't call again until my last day in town or the day I return to school.
At this point I am sick and tired. I want to know the truth, but that seems like a pipe dream. This leaves me with two options. I cut him off, or I withdraw. Cutting him off completely seems wrong in the face of our friendship - as though I at least owe him an explanation. I'm afraid that if I try to explain myself I will (again) fall for his excuses, and find myself giving him yet another chance.
Withdrawing and not really talking to him just seems passive-aggressive.
I don't really want either, but I'm fed up with him!!! I just want my friend back, and if I can't get that, I don't really want to be bothered.
what to do?

Princess,
You're not going to get your friend back so just accept it.
As for the dating part, he's not up for it and isn't the guy you thought he could be. So ditch him.
Don't worry about trying to be friends, don't give him a second thought. He had his chance with you and he blew it... trying to treat you like "just anyone else".
End this and move on to someone else and other things that make you happy. This is ridiculous. Don't be friends, don't be anything. Just forget about him and don't put so much emphasis on anything. It's done.
Elyse
He is not interested! If he was, you wouldn't be in pain like the way you are. And that too, for so long. These are strong signals that he is not 'into you'.
Regarding "being friends like the old times", leave it up to time. If it is meant to happen, it will.
Just let him know you are not going to be expecting anything "relationshipy" as he is obviously not interested. You will be around, incase he is interested in being friends. Then leave him alone.
One cannot expect everything to remain the same in life. Relationships fall out the way, or change and evolve in different ways. Since it looks like you do value him as a person, even if it is not working out relationship-wise, let him know exactly that, and leave it upto time.
I had a similar situation. My ex was one of the best friends I ever had and the absolute worst bf I ever had. I was friends with him for 7 or 8 years, when we both were "free" of other relationships and decided to give it a go. It's a long story, but he went from "best pal mode" to "shady bf mode" within months. As friends we would get tickets throughout the season to see the NY Rangers hockey team play at Madison Square Garden. We both worked in NY, so we constantly surprised each other with tickets. I used to think, "Mike would make such a wonderful bf. If only he were available". One day, Mike told me was now available and asked me out. I was elated! But he started seeing the Rangers with other friends (some of them girls). I didn't see a single hockey game with him until the middle of the next season (9 months after he asked me to be his gf). He felt pressure from me, so he finally landed us some tickets for a special game. But after that, the game dates dried up again. I began sharing my tickets with my brother and about 5 or 6 beers. Then he stopped calling me. No explaination, no dear Jane letter, nothing. I felt like a total idiot.
The reason I'm telling you this, is some guys are great as a friend, but don't know how to be a bf. And once they've been a lousy bf, it is tough to go back to friendship. Withdrawing for a while is passive agressive and only produces temporary results. My passive agressive withdrawal got me a ticket to see Eric Lindros play for the first time as a Ranger against his old team, but that's all it got me. Looking back, it would have been much more fun seeing Eric's debut with my brother and 5 beers! Anyway, you don't owe him an explaination. On the last day you're in town, let the phone ring. If he catches up with you after you've returned to school. simply tell him you were busy that day and he had all summer to see you. Then tell him you have to go, because you're friend "Brad" is coming over to study. And don't ever call him back.
Edited 8/13/2005 11:50 pm ET ET by gingersnapelle
God, I've never cut someone off; let alone my best friend...How do I deal?