What would you say? or do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2013
What would you say? or do?
7
Mon, 07-22-2013 - 11:25pm

I'm 40, separated from H for over 3 yrs, D is in the process.  I have 2 kids under 10. Met a single nice guy also 40, 6 mo ago.  Seeing each other regularily since then. I get to see him when I don't have the kids, almost every weekend. Very wonderful and affectionate. Very fun to hang  with.  Totally understands my situation, not rushing me into anything. Here is the problem, yes problems...

He says he looks forward to seeing me, but the day we are supposed to get together he makes me wait, goes out with his friends first and meets up with me later. I have raised concerns about it,  says "if I wait all these days to see you, why can't you wait a few more hours."

He usually stays with me, but gets up in the morning and goes out and about then wants to "come home" to me. Either we just hang out at home or he takes me out somewhere. I have raised my concerns again, he says, "I have to wait all these days to be with you, but when I get to see you all at once its too much so I need a break."

When we are apart we don't talk much, just a few calls/texts, raised concerns about that too, says "when I talk to you I want to be with you, but I can't......"

I have met some of his friends, but did not introduce me as his GF, where all my girl friends think he is my BF and he acts like he is, as he has met all of them. I asked him when we were arguing the other day that I need to know where we stand, he said "I don't want to lose you, I like being with you, as a matter of fact I LOVE being with you".  I asked him if he loves me he said "Yes" then I asked how come you never say you love me, he said "I don't want you to take advantage of me".

He likes to drink moderately, but when he gets tipsy, always picks a fight about little something, I have broke up with him a few times because of that, so now he is much better with drinking situation.

When we are actually together, he is very attentive, affectionate, caring, and all about me. So now.... what do I do???

 

***Diamond***

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 10:33am

If a man couldn't even spend an entire weekend with me because he needed "a break" from me, I wouldn't spend one more second wasted on him. He doesn't want to put a daily effort into a relationship, since he doesn't call you everday, and spending time with his buddies is always his priority before he gives you the time of day. I'd drop him like a hot potato. In my opinion, the bad outweighs the good in this situation. If you dump him and keep on searching for "the one" who will make you his priority and makes you feel like you're actually special, you'll wonder why you stayed so long with "Mr. Wrong." Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 07-23-2013 - 1:49pm

Ok this guy is weird.  I was a divorced mom of young kids where I had to wait until they were with their dad to see my then BF--my ex used to work overnight on Friday so he never took the kids for the whole weekend, it was Sat. afternoon to Sunday and then 2 nights during the week.  If I made plans to be w/ my BF say at 4:00 on Sat. and then he decided that he'd rather go out with friends and maybe come over at 7:00 I'd be mad.  The excuse is ridiculous--if he can't see you for 4-5 days at a time, that means that he has all that time to be with his friends--so he should be looking forward to seeing you.  I'd actually wonder if he had another GF or something & couldn't get away.  But if I make plans with someone for 6:00 pm on Sat. then I expect that he will honor those plans--I would not just wait around for a guy to show up whenever he felt like it.  You have only so much time w/o the kids--so if your BF doesn't want to spend that with you, then I'm sure you could find other fun things to do like go out with your friends and not spend time waiting for him.  I think I'd try asking him to make the weekend plans for a certain time and tell him you are no longer going to wait around for some unspecified time--I wouldn't keep giving him more chances on this because he is saying that you're time is not worth anything to him--you are like the 2nd class citizen who has to bend to his needs.  And really, after 6 months together, if the weekend is the only time he can spend time w/ you uninterrupted w/ no kids, he'd rather give that up--to do what exactly?  Do you really know what he's doing or is it all vague and unspecified?  Again, I do wonder if he is being honest with you.  I could see if he's a golfer and had this long standing thing where he always played golf every Sat. morning--it wouldn't really be fair to expect him to give up his golf, but is he just running errands?  Why couldn't you go with him?  By this time, I'd think you'd want to be spending more time together not less.  I think I'd probably break up with him, but that's my opinion.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2013
Wed, 07-24-2013 - 2:40pm
Thank u ladies. He is a body builder so he works out s lot. In the beginning of our relationship he didn't tell me he worked out pretty much twice a day. As we moved on he started to fuss about it. So I'm ok with that. Cuz I'm also a gym craze person. But we don't share the same gym. I'm giving the benefit of the doubt that he wants his evening with his friends towards the end of the week since most people do that. I've even asked him if he has someone else besides me. Of course he said no. And I have no way of knowing that. He has shared a few texts with me talking to his buddies about me. But haven't met them. 6 months to me is a long time to just break it off just like that At least that's how I feel. I have however tried a several times with very little success. I've gone no contact 4,5 times. But he doesn't give up. The very last time, I contacted him myself. I guess I'm too weak to do anything. ***Diamond***
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 10:52am

I thought I responded to this last night but I don't see it, so I'll try again.  First of all, I think the fact that you haven't met any of his friends in 6 months is strange--aren't there any occasions where you would go on a double date or go to a party where his friends would be there?  Are there times when he says he has to be with his friends and you aren't invited?  Unless this is always boys night out (and I wouldn't be too sure it is even if he says so) why can't you go along sometimes?  That would be a red flag to me--he could still have a girl and maybe some of his buddies know about it (wink, wink, what a player I am).  And after someone is over early 20's, I don't buy it that the guy needs to go out with his friends every weekend--no I don't think most people do that after college because most people start to pair up.  I have a 24 yr old DD and a lot of times when she's home visiting her friends and they go out in a group, the girls who have BFs bring along the BFs too--I'm sure there are times when all the girls go out and all the guys get together with their friends but I think more of the emphasis is on relationships.

I also don't understand why you think you can't just break up with him because you have been dating 6 monts--that's about the time when you really get to know what someone is really like.  so do you think you should stay with him forever now when you've discovered that his behavior is not what you want?  I assume you have brought up more than once that you don't like being kept waiting so it shouldn't come as news to him.  Start standing up for yourself here--he's probably not going to change, so decide if this is what you want.  If not, you just tell him, sorry but I think our lifestyles aren't compatible and I want to date someone who makes more time to be with me.  End of story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2013
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 2:49pm

Thank you Music.  I have met some of his friends, been to a few happy hours, and a double date and hung out at his best buddy's house for a day. the other group hang out he didn't introduce me as his GF.  He has taken me to his regular hang out place where he knows all bar tenders, but not with his friends there.  There are other boys that he hangs with that I have not met, maybe you are right that the "boys" he hangs out with know his GFs or his pattern? Sometimes I think he's bit insecure about me that his boys will find me attractive?

I have tried to break up with him several times but then we talk about the issues and get back together. He always says we can work on it, lets work together, and he is really really sweet about that.  One thingon my part is that I have not been firm about his behavior, maybe I just need to lay them all out what I want?? I have come out of an emotionally abusive long term marriage, so I'm still learning to come around and talk to men.  He is actually my first guy after I had a short fling with a married man.  I do like this guy very much, but I guess I have to like myself more.  I would love to hear more from all the readers of this post please!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 07-25-2013 - 3:42pm

Sorry to chime in again (I'm bored at work) but yes, you do teach people how to treat you.  I don't know whether he says to you that he'll meet you at a specific time or you have to wait around on Sat. night.  If my kids were going to be gone by 6:00 say, and the guy said to me "well I have to hang out w/ my guys so I can't come over until 9:00" then I might just say to him "well I dont' want to waste having child free time so if you can't come over until late, then I'll just go out with my friends instead" and definitely don't let him come over for the booty call later.  If he ever made plans for a certain time and kept me waiting, maybe I'd give him one chance but I wouldn't keep giving him more chances to make me unhappy.  There really are men out there who are considerate and want to be with you.  I think sometimes if we have been in a really bad situation, then we just go "at least it's not as bad as my exH" and put up with it.  But yes, you get to have standards for what you will tolerate and what you won't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Wed, 07-31-2013 - 3:30pm

Eeek! From what you've described, he sounds controlling and here's why: he deliberately keeps you off-balance so that you're always subject to his whims/always adjusting to him. It keeps you on the receiving end, which means you're not equals. There is no partnership. Here's how he does it:

1) by telling you that he has to wait all those days to see you, then takes it out on you by telling you (to your face, no less) that you are not a priority on that days that you are supposed to see him;

2) he keeps you off-balance by picking fights when he's tipsy;

3) he guilt trips you and witholds contact because he can't see you when he wants;

4) let me reiterate #3... he guilt trips you;

5) "I don't want you to take advantage of me" what a freakin cop out... not to mention a deep sense of insecurity that you are not going to be able to fix... (ever).

Yes, six months is a long time, but just because you have time invested, it doesn't mean you shouldn't pull out of a bad deal.