What's the deal with no dates?
Find a Conversation
What's the deal with no dates?
| Wed, 09-28-2005 - 10:22pm |
Desperately need advice on an issue. I separated from my husband about
6 months ago. When I left my husband I temporarily moved in with my
sister. One day when I was bringing some boxes into my sister's apartment,
I ran into the guy who owns the building. We made a little small talk
in which he happened to mention that he was divorced and had a 10 year
old son and I happened to mention that I was separated. Being the
clueless person that I am, I didn't think much of the conversation and soon
went inside. A few minutes later he was ringing the doorbell wanting to
know if I wanted to come over to his place (he lived in the apartment
next door) for a drink and just to hang out. I had nothing better going
on, and he seemed like a nice guy so I said ok. We talked for a couple
hours, had a nice time and then I went home. It wasn't long before he
was calling me on a regular basis to come over to his place and "hang
out." At first I didn't mind.. I wasn't ready to go out on an official
date and spending time with him seemed casual and relaxed. I started to
get annoyed with the situation however, when I realized that 1.) He only
called me late in the day (like 9:30-ish) to come over that night, and
2.) He never even suggested going out to dinner or a movie, or even to
order food or cook at home. The most he ever offered me while I was
over at his place was something to drink. Now I've never wanted to be one
of those women who's looking for a free meal, but I do enjoy the
"woo-ing" phase of dating, and I think it's only normal to expect to go out
on an occasional date with someone you see on a regular basis. So
eventually I got up the nerve to suggest to him, "hey, you know, I really
enjoy spending time with you, but I'd really like it if we could make
plans to go out to dinner or to a movie one of these days" to which he
said, "yeah, that sounds like a good idea." Unfortunately he never acted on
that-- it's been almost 3 months now and we have yet to do anything
other than hang out at his place. I've continued to periodically suggest
that we do dinner or a movie, but he always has an excuse that he's just
so busy with his projects or he has to spend time with his son, etc.
Naturally I'm not going to demand that the man neglect his son or his
projects (rehabbing a new building, selling an old building), but at the
same time... I'm really starting to resent this. So why haven't I told
him to hit the road? Well for starters, I don't know anyone in ths city
other than my estranged husband (my sister just recently moved away)
and I'm afraid that if I tell him to kiss off, I'll have absolutely no
one. Secondly, I'm worried that I'm making too big a deal of this. I
mean, I'm in a pretty insecure phase right now and I haven't been in the
dating market for a long time, so maybe I'm letting this get to me too
much. It's hard for me to tell. Any advice?
6 months ago. When I left my husband I temporarily moved in with my
sister. One day when I was bringing some boxes into my sister's apartment,
I ran into the guy who owns the building. We made a little small talk
in which he happened to mention that he was divorced and had a 10 year
old son and I happened to mention that I was separated. Being the
clueless person that I am, I didn't think much of the conversation and soon
went inside. A few minutes later he was ringing the doorbell wanting to
know if I wanted to come over to his place (he lived in the apartment
next door) for a drink and just to hang out. I had nothing better going
on, and he seemed like a nice guy so I said ok. We talked for a couple
hours, had a nice time and then I went home. It wasn't long before he
was calling me on a regular basis to come over to his place and "hang
out." At first I didn't mind.. I wasn't ready to go out on an official
date and spending time with him seemed casual and relaxed. I started to
get annoyed with the situation however, when I realized that 1.) He only
called me late in the day (like 9:30-ish) to come over that night, and
2.) He never even suggested going out to dinner or a movie, or even to
order food or cook at home. The most he ever offered me while I was
over at his place was something to drink. Now I've never wanted to be one
of those women who's looking for a free meal, but I do enjoy the
"woo-ing" phase of dating, and I think it's only normal to expect to go out
on an occasional date with someone you see on a regular basis. So
eventually I got up the nerve to suggest to him, "hey, you know, I really
enjoy spending time with you, but I'd really like it if we could make
plans to go out to dinner or to a movie one of these days" to which he
said, "yeah, that sounds like a good idea." Unfortunately he never acted on
that-- it's been almost 3 months now and we have yet to do anything
other than hang out at his place. I've continued to periodically suggest
that we do dinner or a movie, but he always has an excuse that he's just
so busy with his projects or he has to spend time with his son, etc.
Naturally I'm not going to demand that the man neglect his son or his
projects (rehabbing a new building, selling an old building), but at the
same time... I'm really starting to resent this. So why haven't I told
him to hit the road? Well for starters, I don't know anyone in ths city
other than my estranged husband (my sister just recently moved away)
and I'm afraid that if I tell him to kiss off, I'll have absolutely no
one. Secondly, I'm worried that I'm making too big a deal of this. I
mean, I'm in a pretty insecure phase right now and I haven't been in the
dating market for a long time, so maybe I'm letting this get to me too
much. It's hard for me to tell. Any advice?

First course of action is to get out and meet people ... new friends, potential dates ... so that you don't feel like a stranger in town with only your sister to lean on. That will go a LONG way toward your rebuilding your life ... and as well, you won't be thinking so much of this guy for what he isn't offering ... if you're willing to find other people out there who ARE willing to offer up what you want ... take you out on dates, etc.
Basically, "get busy" with other things and other people! :) (not meaning "get busy" as in "get it on" ... I mean, literally, preoccupy your time elsewhere)
Now, if you enjoy this guy's company and he enjoys yours ... but doesn't seem to want to date you ... then, no problem. After all, you have OTHER options ... a whole city full of other options. Discover those options ... and if you feel comfortable still spending time with your neighbor ...that's fine. Because, at that point, you won't care so much about him not wanting to take you out ... since you'll have other things going on, right?!
Good luck!
You're not making too big a deal.