What's he really saying?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
What's he really saying?
4
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 12:59pm
I've been dating "Bob" for over a year (14 months). Bob is 52, a widowed physician, now retired. Since early June, Bob has had some physical problems - dizziness, muscle pain, etc. Nothing serious but they've left him frustrated and confused, since he's yet to really be diagnosed. Bob has been getting consistently better, however, as time has gone by. He can now have several days in a row where he feels relatively "normal".

My family is renting a house in Spain next Feb. for a month. I'm thinking of spending a few days with them, and asked Bob last weekend if he wanted to go with me. Bob said no, because he's not sure he'll feel up to it. He wrote me the email below which said, in part:

".... i know i am holding you back because of whats wrong with me. i know you want to do all this stuff but cant because of me. i feel very bad and sad because of that. im thinking i should let you out of this relationship so you can enjoy life the way you want to. believe me i want you to stay with me in the worst way but last nights conversation made me realize how much im holding you back. you are the most beautiful woman i have ever met. you are so intelligent and talented and "with it" that i have forever wondered how i am so fortunate to have ever met you. You have so much to offer a partner that i dont know how i will ever feel like im doing my share. Sorry to be so brutally honest but thats how i feel. part of me wonders if i'll ever get over whats bothering me completely and if i dont then i wonder if whats left will be good enough for you."

What's your opinion of this letter? What's Bob really saying and how should I take it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-11-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 3:44pm
To sum it up, sounds like he feels like a burden to you and that he's not good enough for you. Could be a lot to do with what's going on with him and the fact that he's probably depressed if he can't be the way he's used to being. I suggest if you don't feel the way he's stating, as if he's a burden to you, let him know. He needs to understand that you are happy just the way things are. but I suggest you do think about things as far as th future goes and if he continues as he is, or possibly gets worse...is he going to end up feeling more of a burden to you that in the long run you may do something you regret? He's giving you an out, and it's up to you to take it or turn it down, either way I think he'll be okay with the outcome, at least at this point, but it does sound to me like he really does need you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:35pm
It seems that he feels like he's not performing up to your expectations. He apperars to truly love you and he is "setting you free" with love. If you love this guy you should reassure him your love and that his condition is not something that is holding you back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2004
Tue, 10-12-2004 - 9:55pm
suggest that he speak to a counsellor or social worker.

he may be offended but it will help. there he may be able to pin point the problem and if they are unable to help him they will find resources necessary to get him over this hurdle and help him to feel like his old self

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Wed, 10-13-2004 - 3:01am
hmmm...interesting...believe me...i have thought of writing exactly the same letter to a lady...in my case...i was becoming emotionally dependent on her...i was thinking of her 25 hours out of 24 hours a day....everywhere...in the toilet...in the kitchen...while i m eating...while i m working...and even while i m praying...hmmm...and i couldnt go along with out her...she had become the center of my life...actually she had become my life...ppl say it is love...well..it isnt very constructive...as one becmoes emotionally dependent on the other...which could be very painful...if u have the same feeling...i believe that u two are engaged in the true love that come in fairy tales only...and rarely in reality...this guy cant think anything other than you...he doesnt want to think of you....but he is absolutely trapped by your thougts..and if you cant avoid it...join it...they say...so he has given up...on trying to be not dependent on you...but he has failed...hmmm..as i say again...dont be too delighted as human emotions change...so he probably wouldnt feel the same a year later...but at this moment he is only able to continue if you are similarly emotional about him...the way he is about you...if you r not...i suggest give him some time to clar up his head...and when he comes to reality...maybe you two would be on the same level again and then you can slowly start again..whether that be relationship or frienship...please let us know what happened...I really love to hear such romantic nice stories...dont tell me you broke each others heart...best of luck

elvis_in_silence