What's My Next Move?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2005
What's My Next Move?
1
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 1:50am

Hi, there--

I have quite an interesting dilemma. My name is Liz; I am a college student, and life's been kinda crazy as of late. A little over a year ago, I met a guy through Yahoo! Personals and we hit it off great. We became serious, despite the fact I was going off to college. Unfortunately, during this past November, things got a little more complicated when my situation at home became more tense due to an impending divorce. I am the youngest of four children, and this divorce (my parents were married for over forty years) hit me pretty hard.

Soon, I lost a lot of trust in people, and began to project my feelings onto this guy I was seeing. At first it was subtle, but I gradually became a worse and worse person to be around. We are so in love; he took me to Paris, France for Valentine's Day, and it was absolutely amazing, even though things back home were stressful. Sadly, we fought and fought, and I became more and more needy/bitchy/resentful/angry, etc.

It wasn't until the summer that I addressed the REAL issues going on, the things going on at home. My depression became worse throughout all this, and this guy truly saw me at a horrible time. I did some pretty crappy things together. (Never cheated, though.) I found myself hating stuff about other people that I really hated about myself, or my parents, and it didn't prove helpful.

Anyway, enough context. Here's the latest. I went on vacation to Costa Rica, and upon returning, found that he would not speak to me, although we had discussed working things out. After bombarding him with phone calls, I gave up, and still haven't heard a word. I feel I've tried everything from apology letters to flowers, and he blows me off. He's expressed to me that he's not sure how to forgive me, and I'm afraid that he's lost interest forever.

I'm 95% sure this is the guy I want to marry. We spoke of it when times were good. What do I do now? Wait him out? ...Move on? It feels so wrong whenever I even think of becoming involved with someone else, and I don't find myself even mildly attracted to other guys.

Please help. I'm trying my best to invest my energy into other aspects of my life, but I can't help the nagging in the back of my head....

Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2005
Tue, 08-23-2005 - 3:22am

Hi Liz...sorry to hear about this. I understand what you must have gone through with your parents divorce and tension at home, because I went through the very same thing. My parents were married for 27 years. That time was really chaotic, and I was literally messing things up in my relationship as well. Unfortunately, I am no longer with that man, but we talk once in a while. Ofcourse we had other reasons why we split, but I am pretty sure things that went wrong were because of me.

I think this would be a good time to focus on other areas of your life as you mentioned Liz. U have really done your part for this phase. Leave him a note that you await his response and get busy with your life. And I know how horrible it will seem to go through the day with that restlessness, but unfortunately that is what you need to do. Since you anyway cannot think of being with any other man, you might as well use this period to get other things in gear. Whatever the case might be, you do need some time inbetween even if you decide to date some day in the future.

I certanly don't recommend constantly getting in touch with him, as looks like he needs this time to think about things. Only when life has a chance to move forward, and things settle down a bit, that our thinking gets clearer about what we are missing in life. So let things take their course.

Unfortunately, be realistic as well. Sometimes, things just do not turn out as we think they should. I do wish you all the best though, and I do hope that things get better with time, and that he turns around.