What's the "normal" progression?
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What's the "normal" progression?
| Wed, 12-21-2005 - 10:26am |
OK, so I've been seeing this guy for about a month...we usually see each other once a week, but not on the weekends...I finally got a date on a Saturday because I asked him out. He wasn't calling much, just text messaging...I told him it bothered me that he never called and that he never asked me out on weekends...he told me not to expect much from him because we had only known each other for a couple of weeks at that point.
He started to call more often, but we don't see each other any more than we were before.
What is the deal here? Should I wait just in case he wants to take things slow, or should I forget about it all together? I thought that after a month things would have picked up a bit...



Have you had any sort of discussion with him about what type of relationship he's looking for, in general? It could be that the two of you are just not on the same page with what you're looking for.
Sheri
well, that was my original question...whether I should approach the subject or not. I'm afraid to scare him away if I ask him that. He is not the easiest person to talk to. He really keeps to himself. He did tell me he is not dating anyone else right now...
I wouldn't know how to approach it.
Actually, it's two different questions...but I'm taking that to mean that you didn't have the discussion about what he's looking for in general (I have it on the 1st or 2nd date to make it clear I'm asking in general and because I don't want to even start dating someone who isn't one the same page with me).
You need to realize one very important thing: you CANNOT "scare off" someone who is right for you. All you will do by asking the questions is find out whether he is potentially right for you or not. And if he's not, wouldn't you want to know that now rather than after another couple months of this?
Here's a link to a post on another board that might help as well:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1
Sheri
UGH! I hate dating...I didn't do it for 8 years and it seems that it is a lot more complicated these days, or as I get older...I have a friend who's never been married and is an "expert" at dating...she tells me that after only a month it would be too soon to ask him where we stand...
Thank you so much for the link. It's definitely helpful...I guess I have to get the courage to ask him what is going on...I'm going to wait until we come back from our trip to the bowl to have "the talk"...Gosh! I'm such a chicken!
Ok, that's just the thing...it IS too soon to be asking where YOU (the two of you) stand...that's NOT the question I'm suggesting you ask.
At this point, it's appropriate for you to know: 1, what type of relationship he is looking for *in general*, and then, if the answer to question #1 indicates you are on the same page with what type of relationship you're looking for then 2, has he eliminated you as a possibility for that type of relationship, or might that be possible at some appropriate point in the future. If the answer to question 1 indicates you're not looking for the same type of relationship, then you stop seeing each other, or resign yourself to the fact that it's only going to be casual (or whatever).
At just a month into it, it is impossible for EITHER of you to know whether you are going to have a serious relationship with each other (if that's what you're looking for). The best you can ask for at this early stage is that you are both open to that possibility with each other.
You might want to re-read Spice's post if you get the impression that he's saying it's appropriate to have a "where are WE going" talk at just a month into it.
Sheri
Maybe I can help a little here.
Start by asking him about his life goals and priorities over the next few years. Ask him how dating fits in with what he wants to achieve over this time period.
Whatever you ask him, you should also be 100% prepared to answer too.
This is not a discussion about you and he and how the two of you will develop a relationship. This is a very general discussion about what you both want out of life. This kind of discussion really needs to happen BEFORE any discussion regarding your specific relationship.