What's the right thing to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-18-2004
What's the right thing to do?
2
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:18pm
I've been dating this guy for about a month and a half, we've been spending time together for about 4 months. We're both cashiers at a store together, but we're complete opposites, and for some reason it has been working out fine.

Anyway, I'm a very straight-edge, clean, never tried anything kind of gal. He, however, used to be a drug addict, formerly addicted to coke and heroin, and went through this intensive rehab program last fall. I never held his past against him, because I understand that different people make different choices and that it's not fair to judge someone based upon my ideals because theirs differ.

Anyway, a couple weeks ago he used again. We got into this big discussion about it, and I was very upset and confused about what to do, but ultimately decided to give him a second chance, even though I had made it clear from the beginning that if he did anything I would leave.

He insists that I'm good for him, and that he loves me, and all of that stuff. This past weekend, however, he was supposed to come to my house after work (usually I go to his house because it's closer to work and I usually get out of work later). 15 minutes after he said he was coming, he called me to cancel, saying that he didn't feel like driving all the way out to my house (I'm about 25 minutes away). I asked him if he was just going to sleep then, and he said yes, and then I asked if I could call him back because I was on another call. When I called back 20 minutes later, he was nowhere to be found.

He called me at 3:45 in the morning, waking me up, and I was angry about that, and all he could tell me was that he went to some bar, but he couldn't tell me the name of the place or where it was or anything, so I was suspicious. We got off the phone and I went to sleep and got up for work in the morning. When I was leaving work (later than I was supposed to) he was still not there. I called his house and found out that he had left a half hour prior (he lives 5 minutes from work) and no one knew where he was.

When he finally showed up to work, he was a mess, and didn't go on register at all. He called me and asked me to pick him up, but I was working a show and couldn't. He admitted to me that he "f'd up," was depressed and used drugs again, and was really sorry and needed help. He went into a detox unit that night.

I've spoken with him a few times since then, and he seems to realise how much he's hurt me. I don't know if staying with him is the right thing to do, though. A lot of things he's saying I've heard from him before, but some of them are new. A couple weeks ago I asked him if he wanted to stay off of drugs, and he said he didn't know. Now, he's insisting that he wants to be off drugs, is going to do it right (go to counseling and meetings, etc) and that he really doesn't want to lose me over this.

I'm very conscious of the risks of being used and pulled into a cycle of his, and that's what scares me. But, at the same time, I'm an inherently overly optimistic person and I like to believe in the best in people. But I'm seeing how reality and my optimism don't quite intersect the way I'd like them to.

He seems sincere. I'd be willing to give him this third chance, but I don't know if it's the right thing to do. My manager at work, whom he broke down to on Sunday, said that he was very scared of losing me over this, and I could talk to her about it if I liked because her parents did the same things. I'm just so scared of being used.

I know that he is capable of getting off of it. He says he needs my support. I just don't know how fair that is. ::shrug::


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:23pm
I would scale things back to a friends type of r'ship until he has *at least* six months clean and sober under his belt--a year would be better. Be supportive, but from an emotional distance. He will find plenty of support in meetings, etc., if he really wants to.

As an alcoholic with ten years sobriety, I can tell you that optimism really has no place in the world of addiction.

Good luck...the odds are not in his or your favor...but I hope it works out.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 5:07pm
I'm going to agree with Sheri here, optimism isn't what's needed here.

I would break up with him and tell him you're willing to be his friend. But don't put yourself in to the position where you have to hold him together. He either wants to get off or he doesn't. How many chances can you offer? How much support can you really be if he doesn't stop? How will you, who has never been in that type of lifestyle, know if he's using or not?

I understand the need to be there for him and help him through it. But the only one who can do that is him. Tell him you will go to meetings with him, or he can call you anytime if he's feeling the urge.

You don't owe it to him to take away his addiction, only he can do that.

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