When to confess to the hairpiece

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
When to confess to the hairpiece
10
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 9:10pm

Okay, this is, at the moment, a purely theoretical question, but I figure this is the best place to ask.

At what point should a woman tell the man she is dating that she wears a hairpiece?

I am fifty-one years old and recently divorced. I've been wearing the hairpiece for a little over 12 years because of "female pattern baldness." I don't hide that I wear a hairpiece from my friends, but I don't usually tell people when I introduce myself. So when should I tell a date?

Is this the sort of thing I should be upfront about, "Yes, I'd love to have dinner with you, but by the way, I wear a hairpiece"?

Should I wait until he is about to run his hands passionately through my hair in the middle of a goodnight kiss? ("Oh, mmmm.... Fred, be careful, that's not all my hair up there"?)

Or should I keep the secret ("Don't touch my head, I don't like it") unless we are ready to get intimate? ("Just wait here while I slip into something more comfortable and take off my hair.")

Is this something I should just drop into conversation as though it were no big deal or should I be sensitive to the poor guy's shock and break it to him gently?

It is questions like this that make me almost glad that I am not likely to have (m)any dates in my future.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 9:41pm

I wouldn't bring it up until you're close to sleeping togetgher (but I'd do it before you're about to actually go into the bedroom!). I think you want to be at the point where you are comfortable discussing personal things like that with him, and also at the point where he is attracted to you for more than purely physical reasons (i.e., he's going to know you reasonably well and likes you for you).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 10:50pm

You tell him a few hours before you think he might kiss you and run his hands through your hair. What he doesn't know beforehand isn't his business but you don't want him to find out by inadverdently separating your hair from your head.

It probably won't be that big a deal anyway, it isn't something to worry about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:27pm

A few hours before I *think* he's going to kiss me... Hmmm. That raises the double question of (a) what if I guess wrong and (b) how can I interrupt a tender moment to bring something like that up?

I agree that it would not be a good idea for him to discover it by running his hand into the hairpiece. (It won't fall off if he does; it is clipped on securely enough that a wind will not blow it off. But he'd definitely feel it.)

It may be a big deal for some guys, but I can't help it. It could be worse--a wooden leg or something like that.

Of course, if I am lucky, I'll meet someone who wears a hairpiece also, and we can get his and her wigstands. ;)

Seriously, thanks for the feedback. The circumstance may never come up, but it's theoretically interesting.

El

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 11:34pm

Yeah, in a perfect world one wouldn't have to admit to things like that (which might be turn offs for some men) until the man knew one well as a person and wasn't too fixated on physical things. However, I can see guys getting bent out of shape because they weren't told sooner--also there is the problem of how to keep the guy from finding out if he tries to fondle my head while kissing.

It's funny because with regular friends I have no problem confiding that I wear a hair piece whenever it comes up (With other women in the rest room while brushing hair, for example, or with a male friend when he playfully pulled my hair and I had to tell him to stop and why.)

But hair is so much associated with sensuality for men, I think.

It can't be helped. And in any case, it might be a moot point. No one has asked me out yet.

El

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 2:15pm

You aren't going to interrupt an tender moment because you are going to do it at dinner or in the car and you are going to do it with humor too.

I'd imagine something like, "I'd just like to let you know that all this hair on my head isn't necessarily mine, in case you haven't noticed it already. I have a medical condition that doesn't affect any other part of my body which has caused me to lose some of my hair. The good news about this is that my head remains incredibly cool in the summer and I don't have to worry about wasting valuable time in the morning styling my hair because it is permanently styled for me!, my little wiglet has proved to be an unexpected asset."

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 5:18pm

Ha! Yeah, I'm just being fascetious about interrupting tender moments.

But I'll tell you, I *do* have to style my hair in the morning (I have to blend my own hair with the piece, which is NOT permanently styled but needs to be washed and styled on its own every weekend) and it is NOT cooler in summer (the piece is another layer--like always wearing a hat). The only "good news" really is that my own hair dries very quickly. (It is also unnecessary for me to worry too much about touching up the roots of my colored hair as often as it would be if I didn't have a hairpiece--but somehow I think I'll not mention that to a date.)

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I'm just trying to get a feel for what isn't too bizarre. Last time I dated not only did I have a full head of hair but it was before AIDS was a problem.

El

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 12:49pm

I don't think you need to worry too much about this. Most men don't care what you do as long as your hairdo looks attractive. Just think how many women wear hair extensions these days!

I don't even think it needs to be a concern in bed because you said your hairpiece stays securely on, as most good pieces do. But if you feel compelled to "warn" a man, I think the time to do it would be when you're becoming intimate and if you feel him reaching up to run his fingers through your hair. You could say something like: "Honey, be a little careful with the hair because I've got a hairpiece added to my tresses." Most guys won't think twice about it.

For men and women in our age bracket (I'm 44), many of us have health issues, and a LOT of us need a little more cosmetic help than we did 20 years ago!

Good luck with dating!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 11:01am
Heck, he might be wearing one too. I'm sure your dates have things they feel uncomfortable about confessing as well! It's not first date conversation but before you get really intimate. It'snothing
,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 05-18-2006 - 7:12pm

you sound so genuinely nice and cute that I think your personality will win them over hairpiece or not! But if I were in your situation, I think I would just be charming and feminine and make a little joke of it to let them know I was wearing one. For example, if I was sitting next to him, I would say "you look so nice today" and if returns the compliment, like he says "I think you like nice too". I would say "thank you, i made sure to wear my favorite hairpiece today" and then smile. I would just be all smiles like it doesnt bother you, and if had anymore question about it, then I would answer them and that's it. But be smiley and confident and show him that IT doesnt bother you. I think that if you come across that way, it won't bother him too!

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 10:48am

Thanks Yaddie for the kind words.

I assume that it will bother/disappoint many men. With the "right man," of course, it won't matter in the end--unless he perceives it as deception. That's why I am trying to get a sense of when the right time to tell a guy might be. I suppose if I start dating at some point I will get a sense from him about when I should tell him, but it helps with things like this to have an idea in advance.

It _is_ something that a man would need to know before the first time he tries to put his hands on my head or else it will catch him by surprise. (What happens is that if you slip your hands into the hair, you bump into the small clips. And if you touch the top of the head and you touch a sort of mesh that holds the hairpiece hair.)

Lying down with the hairpiece is uncomfortable, so even if I kept his hands off my head on some pretext (which I wouldn't do) he'd have to know around the time that "sexual intimacy" was about to occur. Essentially at the point where I was ready to "slip into something more comfortable" in other respects, I would remove hairpiece and replace it with an attractive turban (I have several that I wear around the house, at the beach, etc.) But I think the guy ought to know about the hairpiece WAY ahead of the "slip into something more comfortable" stage.

It's just that it is not always easy to envision when would be a good time to tell.

So thanks, all, for the feedback.

El