When Is A Date, A Date?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
When Is A Date, A Date?
14
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:05pm

And when is it just two friends hanging out?

My boyfriend was invited to a corporate event by his ex-fiancee. They were together a long time and have been friends for almost 20 years. He considers her a close friend and thought nothing of accepting the invitation. I confronted him and told him that he could not be her 'surrogate boyfriend' anymore and that it's not appropriate for him to accept these kinds of invitations. He keeps insisting that it wasn't a date - which I'm sure is true in his own mind - but I think this situation has certain aspects of impropriety, even if it wasn't a "romantic date."

Please check my reality!

1)Would you have considered this a date? Why?
and
2) Is my annoyance justified or am I just another possissive girlfriend? Why?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:21pm

It sounds as if your ex is sort of a stand-by date for his close friend and exfiancee. Although there is nothing wrong with helping a friend out, I think your boyfriend should have stopped this practice one his involvement with you began.

Tell him nicely that you don't mind his friendship but he is your boyfriend and you are uncomfortable when he acts as a date to other women.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:27pm

Thanks, chamey! I did actually confront him and tell him exactly what you said. Thankfully, he's a good man and we have a good relationship. This, I guess, is just part of our growing pains. He promised that he would not accept any more invitations of this nature (and if he does, he shall be PUNISHED!! lol). I just wanted to make sure that my reaction was reasonable.

~TB

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:27pm

No, I wouldn't consider this a date. IMO there have to be romantic intentions on both sides for it to be a date.

I'm not sure if I'd have a problem with this or not. It's right on the line--if it were an evening event where they both had to get dressed up and he was there as her "escort", then yeah, I might not be too comfy with it. But if it was a baseball game or something like that, I'd be fine with it.

Have you met her and does she acknowledge and respect your relationship? That would probably be the most important factor to me in determining whether it would bother me or not.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:37pm

Thanks, Sheri. Yes, it was a dress-up event at a fairly fancy place. I agree, it's right on the line, but I wonder if I would feel the same way if they didn't have such a long standing friendship.

Was he her escort? Depends how you define it, I guess. Personally, the man I bring to an event thrown by my job is there because he is my escort... and it won't be just any Tom, Dick or Harry either. My BF doesn't think he was her escort because he says that he barely talked to her half the night (he used to work at the co. so there were people he hadn't seen in a while).

I've met her a couple of times and she seems nice. I know he wouldn't be friends with her if she wasn't a terrific person. This is the first complication we've had with her involvement. He hangs out with her from time to time and I don't generally mind.

Does she respect our relationship? I don't think I know her enough to be able to say. I am the first GF he's had since the two of them broke up 5 years ago and I'm pretty sure there will be some kind of adjustment period. I'll keep an eye out for any unacceptable behavior on her part.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:42pm

Well, the fact that he used to work there would definitely make me think she invited him because she thought it would be fun for him, not just to be her "SO stand in".

And it's good that you've met her. Hopefully as you get to know her better and understand the dynamics of their friendship, it won't bother you at all.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:55pm
Yes, that was her excuse for inviting him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 4:51pm

How l ong have the two of you been dating? How long ago did their engagement break off and their friendship begin? Twenty years is a long time. I'm friends with an ex who I dated many years ago and there is nothing romantic between us but we love each other and see each other regularly.


However it would have been nice for your boyfriend to

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:57pm

We've been dating for 7 months (I know, drop in a bucket compared to 20 years). They broke up about 5 or 6 years ago after a 10 year relationship. I know there is nothing romantic between them and they do see each other maybe once a month.

He didn't quite 'ask' me about it beforehand, he just told me that he was going. He wasn't 100% forthcoming about the details of the event (another sore subject). He says that he was uncomfortable telling me because he thought that since I wasn't going to be invited, that I would jump to the conclusion that it was a date. Hmm.. I wonder why. Don't get me wrong, I'm not the flip-out-at-everything type.

I'm fairly certain she's no threat, but who knows. This is a new situation for the 3 of us. I'm expecting a bit of an adjustment period since there are certain aspects of their friendship that have to change (like no more stand-in boyfriending) and the BF and I are still defining our boundaries (this happens to be one of them).

My issue here is that he went to this party as her date, whether he knows it, wants it, acknowledges it or not. It's not appropriate for him to be her stand-in date anymore, nor is it appropriate for her to ask him to be. It was a date in every respect except romantic.

And ummm... I already let him have it....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 6:55pm

You wrote: "It was a date in every respect except romantic."

Now, see, to me, that's a total contradiction in terms--it can't be a date unless it's intended to be romantic. That's what a date is all about, romance!

In any event, I don't think focusing on being "right" in this instance is the best approach (because reasonable people can differ as to whether this was a date) but rather on understanding each other and reaching an agreement as to what you're each comfortable with.

I frankly would have had a harder time with the fact that he didn't tell you all the details than with the fact that he was going. Just goes to show ya, different strokes for different folks!

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 7:42pm

Oh no. Don't get me wrong. I was pretty p'd about the whole 'lack of details' thing. He said he was sorry, end of story.

When I started this discussion I wanted to know what people considered 'a date.' I wanted to know if I had gone off the deep end or had a reasonable understanding of the situation.

Is a date a date without the romance? Sure. If you invite someone (a friend, say) to accompany you to a wedding, he is considered your "date." You bring someone to a fancy, evening, "bring your spouse" company event - the person you bring, whoever they are, is considered your "date." Bring a guy to a baseball game with friends - not necessarily a date. Bring a guy to grandpa's 80th birthday dinner at Sizzler - probably not a date. Grandpa's 80th birthday dinner with 100 guests at the Four Seasons - date. IMO it has a lot to do with perception and expectations at formal events. They went to a formal event where most of the people knew them as a couple (before they broke up).

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