When do I know he's not interested?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
When do I know he's not interested?
10
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:51pm
Hi !

This is sort of an update question from my earlier posts. It's been a month since I last talked with the man I went on 2 incredible dates with. I let 2 weeks pass without contacting him and finally broke down and sent a very short email saying hi. No response. Sent another cute short email (gentle encouragement) to him a week later. Nothing. Called and left a message last tuesday evening. Again, short sweet, just saying hi.

He said he was paranoid about rushing into anything again after rushing into things with his ex and having it end badly and leading him into therapy for himself. He wants to date multiple people and take his time this time.

We really really clicked. I've never mentally had marriage thoughts, but out of the blue after our two dates, I could envision being in a strong r/ship with this person, possibly leading to marriage.

Arghh!!! Sob. I'm not needy (ok, I want a r/ship like everyone else), and I've got lots of other things to focus on, and it's helping a lot, but I am STILL thinking about him. We could at the very least be good friends - we have THAT much compatibility.

But was I the biggest fool? I like to think I have a rather keen sense of someone's motives.

Thanks :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 1:53pm
You werent the biggest fool...it just wasnt meant to be.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:00pm
thanks :)

I know it's myself i have to look to, but sometimes I can't control how much I want things to work out. And I seem to never stop giving men the benefit of the doubt. I don't mind it not working out, i will move on eventually, but it's a personal pain for me when people can't even respond to a simple email or phone call. Apathy kills, and it's an issue I've dealth with in therapy, but it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Being purposefully ignored, avoided and left behind are so destructive. Everyone matters, and I hate that I'm sad about this.

- M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:11pm
But an unreturned phone call or email is so much more a statement about them than it is about you.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:18pm
yeah, this is true. and I have been telling myself that obviously someone who won't make an effort to reply isnt' someone I want to be with. but as is usual with me, i have a difficult and sometimes slow process of letting go and saying "next". it's improving the more I date, but I really thought this guy was special.

so can I call him up and ask if it's just not going to happen? (i know, the answer is no) it's a huge urge.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:25pm
The answer is a huge NO...lol.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:29pm
argh. ok. well, i'll just have a good cry. i know no one likes being brushed off, and it happens every day, i just wish his reaction wasn't the one thing that has plagued me since childhood and from my last b/f. :( .....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:37pm
Not to get to pop psychology here, but maybe you should examine why you take these things so personally.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 3:51pm
i did have those issues as a child, being sent to one's room for long periods of time and a punishment known as being "kicked out of the family" for a night where everyone ignored you. you didn't have to go to your room, but you could stand in front of your parent and they would pretend you weren't there.

i've been in therapy, and worked on this and am aware of it, but it was inadvertently brought to the surface with my ex/b in a severe way - i.e. me being in therapy. :) Though I am aware of it, it sure doesn't make it hurt less. I understand it more and can move on faster, but it still makes me feel crappy. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 4:12pm
I think generally if the guy doesn't call back after the date, then he's not interested.

What you should do is make sure your telephone is in good working order and that he has a way to contact you. Leave that answering machine turned on at all times. And then....wait for him to call. If he is interested, he won't let you slip away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 1:20pm
He did call after the first date. We had our second date a day or so later, and that's when we slept together. We even talked after that and I asked how things would work, i.e. would we be seeing other people, etc. (i'm sure i wrote this in a previous email).

i've had a lot of mixed advice on this. My friends who have read some of the emails we exchanged and have heard how our dates went tell me it's obvious he really genuinely likes me. I know he does.



Other friends are saying that though he likes me, he's protecting himself by holding off on becoming serious. I am finding more and more that is a good idea for ME even. I have to make SURE I keep my own self stable and forward-moving and growing regardless, and I know he does too.

the thing I find most difficult to hear is "get past this/get over it" or "move on" or "let go". I'm most certain that everyone here knows just how DIFFICULT that is, and how moot a point it is. The advice to let go or get over someone is probably right, but for me, and maybe others, it's just not advice that helps at all. One will find themselves saying "Ok, i should get over him. But isn't that something I know deep down and that I'm struggling with already?"

I would like to toss out some ideas. We all know it's difficult to just shelve emotions regarding important r/ships in our lives. The more we resist it, the stronger it comes back to us when we finally DO get tired of resisting (little taoism there). If we can find creative ways to actually achieve the goals of "moving on" by tricking our brains and hearts to move in the correct direction and finding any hidden meanings behind our issues, maybe hearing "get over it" could be a less cold piece of advice.

eek. sorry i went on and on. Please know I GREATLY appreciate people's advice and I hope I made some sense at the end of the strange message! :)