when do I know it's over?
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when do I know it's over?
| Sun, 05-16-2004 - 8:50pm |
I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and we have been planning to get married after we finish college. Neither of us have been in any other serious relationships. Our relationship has been great, I thought that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. But, about a month ago I felt like something was missing in my life. I started to analyze our relationship and I have found many things that I am not sure about. One of the biggest problems is that we don’t have the same values. Everything from political views to religious, we are completely opposite. He says that those things don’t matter, but it really bothers me that we don’t have the same ideas about how to live our lives. I know I love him, but I’m not sure if it is as a best friend, or a husband. I also have a physical problem which makes it extremely painful to have sex. This is also a huge issue. I am not sexually attracted to him. If it is caused simply because I hate sex or if there is a lack of chemistry, I’m not sure. I’m afraid to talk to him about my feelings because he is so sure in our relationship, there is no doubt in his mind that I am the only one for him. I am also afraid of his reaction if I were to voice my concerns or ask for some time apart, when we get in fights he gets a little… unstable. He is so sweet and treats me like a princess, I should feel so lucky that I have him. I have only been thinking about breaking it off for a couple of weeks. Should I give it more time? I know that if I break up with him he probably won’t be able to see me as a friend for a very long time, if ever. I don’t want to lose him completely. When we got together we were still in high school, and being a typical stupid teenage girl I put my boyfriend over my long time girlfriends and we all basically lost touch. I am afraid to be alone. If I break up with my boyfriend, I will literally have no one. That really makes me want to work things out. I really don’t know what to do. I know I’m young, (20) and there are so many guys out there. But I don’t want to start all over again, all the dating and game playing. Well, I’m completely torn about what to do. Also, I have been acting like nothing is wrong (he knows there is something wrong, I just say that it’s not him) how would I talk about this without blind-siding him?

I think you've analyzed your situation pretty well.
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Wow! That sounds like something I could have written. I was with a guy for 6 years, we got together at a point where I was down and had low self-esteem. I had just moved in with his family, our families were friends back then and he had asked me to be his girlfriend BEFORE I moved in with them. I'd turned him down, as although I liked him very much as a person, I wasn't attracted to him.
Anyways, I moved in, and I had known him for half a year before that point. I was very low, and he understood me so much, and it really felt as though I'd known him forever.
He is *very* intelligent, and i loved talking to him, it was so stimulating. We got together shortly after I'd moved in, as he wanted me to be his girlfriend, and I wanted the support that he was willing to give me, and so we got together. Still didn't really feel attracted to him though. I know all this probably sounds selfish, but I'd never had a boyfriend before him, and I just felt so comfortable and secure when I was with him, that being a couple just seemed like the logical next step. I always liked the friends aspect more, as I didn't see him as a sexual partner - more like a best friend that you sleep with.
Lived with his family for 2 and a half years (his mum kicked me out once, after she found out we were having sex - she's Catholic, and against pre-marital sex, but she's also a hypocrite because she had pre-marital sex!), then went to university two hours away.
We saw each other every week in my first year, then every 2-3 weeks in my last two years. He virtually never saw me, I had to visit him, and when I did he often was still asleep by noon. He's not working as he's depressed. He refused to go out, or do anything together, and I started to get bored.
We talked about our future together, as I thought I'd found my spiritual soulmate, and I'd heard that the sexual attraction fizzles out in most relatonships anyway, so I thought that we would be ok. But he had strong views about his life, wanted to have children by a certain point, even though this would interrupt my career at an inconvenient point. He was not willing to compromise, as he believes that couples should agree on everthing, and there should be no need for compromise!
So, I started to feel as though my life was already planned out for the next 30 years, and I wasn't happy with that. I'd met someone else at uni (changed town for my Master's), and I felt very sexually attracted to him. He's 6 years younger than me, and we don't ce)have that spiritual connection, but I cheated on my bf with him. Just wanted to know if this sexual attraction thing was all it was hyped up to be. And sadly, for me it was. I just knew that I couldn't marry by bf. I couldn't spend 30 or more years in a marriage where I didn't fancy my husband, and where he would treat me as a friend and not a romantic partner.
Also, I always felt uncomfortable with the thought of my parents-in-law. His mother is very dominant, has an alcohol problem that she won't acknowledge, picks fights when she's drunk, and is manipulative. His father just agrees to whatever his wife says, for the sake of an easy life. His sister had a baby some years ago (unplanned), and though he is a clever and sociable little boy, I've seen how my ex's mum behaves with him: notably having him sleep in a cot in their bedroom, then getting drunk, going to bed herself and waking him up. I didn't want my children to be exposed to that.
We broke up a few weeks after I slept with the other guy, then went back and forth, getting back together then cooling off. I was *terrified* of being on my own. I had virtually no friends, hadn't tried to make any as I had him. But we broke up for good in January (at my insistence), and I made a real effort to get other people in my life.
My ex then turned very nasty, sending me hatemail, threatening me and the guy I slept with (saying he'd pay someone to break his legs and cripple him for life), he's been sending me vicious letters, emails and voicemails, and has even been to my house once, watching me in the kitchen (it was dark outside, so I couldn't see him, until he sent me a nasty text message the next morning). I was and still am somewhar scared of him. Haven't hears from him in 4 weeks, but this won't be the last I'lll hear from him.
So, my advice is: if you have reasons for wanting out, listen to your gut instinct. I never knew my ex had this potential for anger in him, and the thought of being married with kids, and being unable to leave (in case it wasn't working anymore)for fear of revenge scares me. I think I got out at the right point, but it meant facing up to the fact that I am responsible for my life, and that I might feel lonely, but there are ways of dealing with this, and I now know what I want from a future relationship. Take the plunge if you feel you should. I feel much freer now, although sometimes the uncertainty scares me. You only have one life, don't waste it in a relationship that's not making you happy. You are very young, and have loads of time to create the life you want. Start making friends, as having people outside your relationship allows you to make decisions that you might otherwise not make, for fear of losing the only person you have.
I wish you the very best of luck!!
vivi
Ok, I'm really glad to hear he doesn't have an anger problem and it's not a matter of him being abusive. But he does sound manipulative.... crying and pleading and basically GUILTING you into staying with him.
Why do you feel like you would be making a mistake by letting him go?
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I know what you mean when you say you're not sure if you're making the right choice.
I thought that I would never meet anyone as intelligent, or caring.
But I've been seeing someone for a few months now, I am very attracted to him, and he's smart (graduating college at 19!!) and very sweet. It probably won't last, but it's shown me that the person I thought was 'the ultimate' is not that, and that there are others equally good. My ex set a sort of standard for future boyfriends, but I don't think that's such a bad thing. At least it tells you what you want in a partner.
So, whenever I think that I let 'the One' slip away, I remind myself that I would have been miserable in the long run.
vivi