When Do I Tell Him I Love Him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
When Do I Tell Him I Love Him?
8
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:25pm
Hi, I am new, as of today. I always seem to come to iVillage when I am perplexed!

Anyway, I have been seeing a wonderful guy now for about 5 months. The first 2 were as friends, mostly via email, and phone. We met at the end of November, and began a friendship, that turned into much more.

It is a wonderful relationship, he and I are very happy together. We both have children from prior marriages, both work very hard and have fulfilling jobs, and both have similar family backgrounds (which are good). In other words, he's this guy that is normal, sane, level-headed, stable,funny, and amazing in other ways, too! ;-)I finally have met someone I seem compatible, comfortable, and very happy with.

Here is the question....when is it safe to tell him I love him? I have held off, fearing he won't say the same, or isn't ready (his divorce is almost finalized) to put that kind of label on how he feels about me. We both tell one another we care very deeply about the other. He isn't hesitant to express himself. But, something in me wants HIM to be the one to say it first. I have always tended to jump right in, only to be let down.

We were together last night, and several times, I felt as though I wanted to say it-but stopped. I know there's no time frame, but I just don't want to mess this up--he's too important.

Thanks, so sorry this is so long!

beanbag

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:46pm
HEre's the thing - if you love him it's not conditional upon him reciprocating it, or wanting you or what you want. IT's just a fact - you love him - you admire, respect, accept, understand him at the core and you want the best for him as he determines it to be whether that benefits you or not. YOu love him.

So, you can tell him anytime that the above is true...vs. I love how you make me feel about myself, I love what you represent as potential for me in my future, and anything else along those lines.

See, "I love you" if it is genuine and without strings doesn't "scare people off" - it lets them know that they're valued, respected, admired, and accepted for who they are - as they are right then.

But, if you're not wanting ot scare him off, or you would be distraught if he didn't return that sentiment - you don't love him - as much as you love the idea of what he represents to you now and in the future. In short, he's filling a role - he's not appreciated for who he is.

FYI - You're the rebound girl.....he's not yet had his own identity, values, pririties and successes realigned and redefined as an independent individual - you offer comfort, security, benefits, and options that he didn't want to do without - just becuase he didn't want his wife to be the provider of them didn't mean he didn't wnat them from some other more "pleasant" entity.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:47pm
He's not divorced yet? Why not? Has he at any given point told you that he's interested in a commited relationship? Are you officially established as a monogomous couple as opposed to just seeing each other? I don't know any men...or just people who split up from a serious relationship and who actually want to get into something serious straightaway. Given all that...you can tell him that you love him...but are you ok with him not reciprocating or not responding in kind? Is it OK with you if he can't say it in seven months or 12?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:13pm
Hi, thanks for the replies....he is not divorced yet, but it is because of the reality of how long it takes--90 days from time of filing , etc.). It has nothing to do with him being wishy-washy at all.

I don't think it's that he fills a need. I have had those relationships, and left them unfulfilled. It isn't that his being good to me is why I love him. It's much more than that. It's HIM that I love. I suppose I am a bit afraid only because his divorce process has been within the past year. I met him fairly soon after they split. In the back of my mind, I am thinking, well maybe this isn't what he wants.

At the same time, he absolutely says this is what he wants. And, I have voiced my concern to him--just about a relationship in general--and he reassued me that this is a good thing, he does not want her back, and is much happier this way. I don't imagine he wants t get remarried right away, but I am on the same page with him there.

I truly don't believe I am a rebound girl, however. But, maybe I'm wrong, I don't know.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:26pm

I've been through the divorce process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:45pm
Sheri, I think you make an excellent observation. Maybe that's what I am trying to say here...I just know(because I too have been through a divorce) that it can take time.

I have a feeling thatit will indeed be a drawn out process. I do not have any "red flag" warning signs, though. I just think it's more of a situation where I need to be slow, and consider that he is going to go up and down a roller coaster for a while.

I do know how I feel, and for now, I suppose that's fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 2:57pm
Let's put it this way.....people either choose partners based on needs and wants of the moments based on options and opportunities at hand.....or they choose partners from a position of self-awareness, self-acceptance and self-responsiblity so that those partners are people they like, appreciate, respect, admire, and accept as an individual not "based on how great my life is because you're in it."

There is no way in the midst of a divorce to choose a partner based on being a complete, secure, successful, happy, independent, self-aware and self-responsible individual. You haven't yet processed the lessons learned and made the values and priorities changes necessary due tothis experience to be 'complete" and thus choose a partner based on whothey are -rather than what they bring to your life.

The reason that "serial monogamy" is so popular is because people lack self-awareness. We believe that happiness, success, and security is found in a particular situation, event, location, or relationship - and thus we're perpetually seeking it - finding it temporarily based on ever changing needs and situations - with no awareness of our responsiblity to self to be complete prior to choosing a partner.

That has given way to the popular theory that monogamy for life is not possible, or at least not possible while the couple remains happy as individuals and as partners. Because most people choose partners based on waht they need and what is available to get - rather than who they are as individuals, while meeting their own needs appropriately, so that their partner is someone they share values, prioriies, boundaries, and standards with, and thus there is respect, admiration, acceptance and desire -not just needs of the moment that change as situations are altered due to circumstances beyond your control.

"The greatest relationships are those in which the desire for each other greatly outweighs the need for each other." Dahli Lama


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 3:28pm
Erin,

I would tend to have a problem with this part:



I will say that, having gone through a separation and divorce that took well over 4 years. I don't want to get specific, but suffice to say the reasons in my case were not my own, but my ex's. There were very legit reasons my atty. and I chose that route. In my particular situation, it was warranted. But that doesn't mean for a second that I was unable to become complete, secure, successful, happy,independent, self-aware, and self-responsible, among other things.

I think it's clear that for my bf, he does have a ways to go before he is able to answer in the affirmative to all of those things. But, not for one minute, in our situation, does it mean he isn't capable of being in a committed relationship with me. I don't have a doubt that he is very comfortable in this.

My question was about love, not committment. The two aren't mutually exclusive at all, but can be employed separately in a relationship.

I agree with a lot of the rest of your post, I just think I need to tak e what I can and leave the rest, based on my own experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 5:07pm
So if it is so right like you say then it wouldn't be messed up by you telling him your feelings. If you tell him you love him and he runs then he isn't the right guy for you and better to learn now then a year from now when you are even more invested.