When do they get ready to settle down?
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| Tue, 10-10-2006 - 4:32pm |
I'd like some advice breaking down the bit of a stall I am in with my boyfriend of one year.
The marriage talk came up at about 9 months in (a bit early, yes). I am 33 and he 41. He is divorced.
He at first said he had not thought about it yet (a lie as I thought since he had been hinting at it).
Recently I've been a bit off kilter because of it; trying just to chill but underneathe it all wondering if I'm wasting time, which is somewhat ridiculous since it is so early on.
After a stressful weekend; he decided he wanted to talk. He told me that I'm putting to much pressure on the situation (must be in my actions as I have not mentioned 'marriage' at all) and it's making our relationship stressful, work and not fun. I had to agree with him because I'm feeling the same way.
He told me that he does want to get married again and 'i never say i didn't want to marry you'. But that he has no time table on that.
If I want to marry him, then I suppose I have to live with it until he comes around (before you say it, yes I know I could go date others) but I'm not ready to throw on any pressure whatsoever.
I know there is nothing really to specifically give advice wise because it is what it is but I was curious if others are dealing with the same thing...

You're approaching this wrong. It's really about life goal and priorities and how you and marriage compliment and add value to life goals and priorities. This is especially true for men that have been previously married.
Think of it this way - the wedding day is 1 day. A 40 year marriage is 14,610 days. What do you think is more important considering life goals and priorities?
What do you know about his life goals and priorities and how you compliment them and add value to them? If you don't have a crystal clear answer to that question, then you have some work to do and so does he. Great relationships are equality-based and mutually-beneficial. You both need to share, understand and determine what you can do to add value across life before you can expect marriage.
Marriage is a partnership - be a partner.
After a year of dating at 33 and 41, unless otherwise specified, this man should be able to give you a clear indication whether he is marriage minded or not.
My guess is that he is very happy with the way things are and doesn't wish to make any changes, maybe not for a long long long time.
Either swallow the fact that this man may never want to get married or move on.
Thanks for your replies; both of which, it's funny are two takes entirely!
I would like to stress that marriage is on the table; he said he would like to get married again. The question is when. In other words, while I don't have a specific time table (6 months, a year, year and a half - whatever); he doesn't even have a clock.
So, since I cannot figure out a time frame,I have decided to drop the matter entirely for the next 3 months and revisit after that point. If he, at that time, doesn't still have a clue, I might have to re think the relationship.
I think the stress of that, of knowning that a great relationship could be destroyed over this, is sad to me.
Well, it's a difficult position to be in. You're with the man you love and the man you'd like to marry him and he has said he wants to marry you. And yet, you still might have to give him up if he isn't able to commit to a date.
What is his reluctance? Is it a career or money issue? Is it bitterness from a previous relationship? Is it uncertainty about spending the rest of his life with you? Is it that he simply doesn't want to go through all the WEDDING stuff? I know you can't ask him these questions because you don't want to raise this issue right now and put more pressure on him. But you should have your own thoughts as to why he's "stalling."
I'm 45, my boyfriend is 51, we live together, and neither one of us is talking marriage. I really am OK with things as they are now, but I don't plan to stay this way indefinitely. I would like to get married again (we are both divorced) and I would prefer to marry the guy I love and the guy I've spent the last 4 years of my life with! It IS sad to think of walking away from this relationship after all we've been through together. But I will do it if I ever begin to feel like I'm wasting my time.
All I can do is wish you well and send my hopes out that your boyfriend decides he's ready very soon. Three months will come and go like *that!*
Two comments for you.
1) What makes you think he is going to fundamentally change his life goals and priorities within 3 months, such that marriage to you will be his #1 life priority?
2) Since you are unable to state your desired timeline, then why is he obligated to state his so that you have the chance to pass judgement?
This is really about being a partner and neither of the comments above lend itself to being a true partner. If you need a ring and a date within a few months, then call that out clearly. I honestly believe the two of you need to think about this in a different way. Here are 3 questions I often suggest people seriously consider and discuss before making marriage plans:
1 - What does marriage mean to you?
2 - What do you need to have accomplished in your life BEFORE considering marriage?
3 - What other goals and priorities do you have for your life over the next 5 years?
These are important questions and will hopefully help guide you both.
Seriously -- this is the best response I've received so far. We haven't had that talk yet. I feel like we aren't quite ready to have it so it sort of answers my question right there.
I can't understand my panic sometimes. It overwhelmes me for reasons I can't explain.