when to express desire for exclusivity

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
when to express desire for exclusivity
4
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 6:23pm
I'm wondering, when do you think it's a good time to express that one wants to be exclusive? And is this *traditionally* the guy that expresses this -- not the woman? I've been seeing someone only about a month and the relationship has become physical a few weeks back. I don't think he's ready to say he wants to just see me -- he said he wasn't ready recently, but I feel I'm ready. Maybe it's not so much that I'm ready to totally dedicate my life to him, but I'm feeling pretty certain that dating others at this point in time would just be a waste of their time/my time and even serve as a diversion in trying to keep from feeling too vulnerable because he's not at the same point I am. I feel pretty focused on him and want to see where it goes. My problem is is that I feel afraid to make the move to just see him, take my profile offline, ...it feels very vulnerable. So how's *that* for confusing? Ugh.


Edited 4/9/2006 6:42 pm ET by luky4elle
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-09-2006 - 6:51pm

I personally am not comfortable sleeping with someone I'm hoping to build a relationship with until we've discussed it and agreed to be exclusive. So I would have discussed it before the relationship turned physical and I would have brought it up if he didn't.

I don't blame you for feeling vulnerable under those circumstances, given what he said about not being ready...I would too. But you chose to get physically involved without discussing exclusivity and put yourself in that position. You either need to live with the discomfort (and take personal responsibility for putting yourself in that position) or change the situation by stopping the sex or reaching an agreement with him regarding exclusivity.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2006
Mon, 04-10-2006 - 7:44am
I know how you feel right now, I felt the same way about a year back and I asked the guy. Initially he said no, which almost broke my heart but later on he realised that he couldn't accept me dating other better guyz and agreed with me. We are living together for 5 months now. Well, I don't know how you two gell otherwise in life, apart from bed. If you both enjoy the time together equally and he calls as frequently as you and you don't think he could be seeing someone else at this point, I guess there is no harm in broaching the subject. I don't think asking for exclusivity is a man's dominion - sometimes if a girl takes initiative, it could make the man feel less insecure and agree with her. Even if he says he isn't ready for it right now, he might be some time. At least you asked and at least it will be on his agenda.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 12:03am

Good question.

Myspace Codes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Tue, 04-11-2006 - 6:02am

Thank you all for your posts. Sandra, I think your story is so nice -- I'm happy things turned out so well for you and in such a natural way. It's good to hear. I hope for that to happen for me someday.

I'm not sure what I'll do. I agree that there's no set time for having sex the first time and don't regret or resent that part of it at all. ...and would like to continue it, even without the exclusivity part of it, at least for a while.

Very unfortunately for me, there's this extra kink in my situation that is firmly lodged in the back of my mind -- he's actually on sabbatical from his academic job that's quite far away. I've just started mine this year here. So there's that working against the whole situation. We only have about a total of 6 weeks while we're both here between our travels/research before next fall semester starts up.