When Harry Met Sally--in reverse!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
When Harry Met Sally--in reverse!!!
4
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 5:42pm
Ok, here's the story. "J" and I started dating in January, became very close very quickly--we have so much in common--and stayed together until May. He hadn't had a serious relationship in about 9 years, one of his friends actually called me "R.S." (record setter) because he hadn't seen J so happy with someone in so long. However, thanks to my habit of partying WAY TOO HARD, and acting like a fool in public, we ulitmately broke up--completely my fault. I have since stopped partying, and over time we have become even more close than before....as "just friends". He has been the best friend to me, stepping in and going above and beyond the call of duty numerous times in the past couple of months during some very difficult times in my life. We spend most of our free time together, talk everyday, and when at eachothers' houses, sleep in the same bed and cuddle--nothing else happens. He kisses me on the cheek and forehead, keeps his hand on my leg when sitting on the couch, lays in my lap, and strokes my hair when I'm dozing off on his shoulder. Yesterday he brought me 2 dozen roses that his neighbor had cut out of his garden. I realize now more than ever how much I love him and how devastated I would be if he started a relationship with someone else. The last time we talked about our "relationship" was a couple of months ago, and he just said " I thought we already discussed this" meaning, we're friends and that's that. I just don't get how we can act the way that we do towards each other if it's nothing more than a friendship. I feel we're reenacting the movie "When Harry Met Sally" except in reverse. Help!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 6:06pm
Hon.....he wasn't in a relationship for 9 YEARS prior to meeting you...and you're overlooking what that means...in light of what you want and desire.

What that means is that the man does not want an equality based, mutually beneficial, honestly communicative partnership. He either doesn't value that in his life at this time...or he doesn't understand what that involves and how to have it.

Now...what he doesn't mind is this - cuddling, sleeping wtih you, having you at his beck and call, and he loves having someone to play the chivalrous knight in shining armor to - like the roses.

But what he does NOT want is to sit there and consider your needs and wants and goals - in equality with his own....to be ina relationship where there is impact by words, decisions, actions based on the other person's needs, wants and goals.

He wants to 'date" in a sense......which is just enjoying the moment in the moment - and wahtever it offers, enjoy that but don't consider "a future" and don't interpret, analyze, and project and assume based on actions and words and decisions.

The guy is saying "we're friends"...now you need to hear that. It's because rightnow - as this is - it suits his needs, standards, goals and agenda and lifestyle. And that is his top priority - meeting his needs and goals...and that shoudl be yours as well.

Heads up - the "party girl" didn't turn him off.....it's just that he realized how "many other options" you had as a party girl and he ended it before you ended it with him.

So, if in all this - you realized that your values, standards, goals, and focus in life have changed for the better by YOUR definition.....thank him AS A FRIEND for pointing out that being the "party babe" wasn't a full time gig to last until you're 75.

And then take those new standards, values, principles, goals, self-discipline, and determination......and while keeping him as a friend, at arms length and not in bed cuddling or otherwise (I mean, you don't cudddle with your other male friends, and sleep beside your other platonic male friends)...take the successful, secure, mature, complete, independent woman that you are out ont the dating scene and find yourself someone that wants what you want - partnership....not just "playing house on a very 5th grade level".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 6:33pm
cna77381...

Pianoguy can't really add anything to Erin's post. She's right on the money where your b/f is concerned.

However...after reading your reference to "When Harry Met Sally" in reverse---would you care to tell us if your EX-BOYFRIEND "faked" an orgasm?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 09-29-2004 - 9:38pm
Thanks to Erin and Piano Guy,

And no, I don't think he ever faked an orgasm, at least I hope to God not!! LOL When I said "in reverse" I meant we started out with a romantic relationship, and ended up with a platonic one--like viewing the movie in reverse sequence. But thanks a lot for your input Erin, it definately allowed me to see the good in our relationship ending.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 2:44am
I really like to read your replies on this message board, Erin. They are just so thoughtful and making sense!