When is it okay to call?
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| Thu, 10-19-2006 - 12:53am |
My ex-boyfriend broke up with me about three weeks ago. The reason he gave me is that he doesn't see himself settling down for several years, after he has finished grad school and started in his career. We dated for a year, and we had not been talking about long-term relationship plans. I knew that he had to focus on his goals before we started making big plans for our future. Before he started school this summer, he said that he wanted to make this work, and that I was one of his top priorities. He even shared this information with his family, which really left an impression. I think he started to panic, because most of my friends are married and a couple of them are starting families. I am 3 years older, and am in a more stable place in my life. Maybe my situation was sending subliminal messages of commitment, but I was trying to be very conscious of where our relationship really was. He also has a tendency to withdraw when he is stressed out, and doesn't communicate to me that he needs space.
1) I think that my situation is scaring off my true love (although it was pretty lame he didn't take any of my input before making his big decision to end it), and 2) I'm concerned the fact that I'm surrounded by married couples is going to scare off all kinds of guys that aren't scoping me out to be the mother of their kids! I want to talk to him about it, but since I was the dumpee I don't want to seem pathetic. Also, my friend is dating one of his friends, and I'm privy to the fact that he's been asking how I'm doing. That doesn't really help how I'm feeling.
I want to try to work this out, but I don't want him to lose respect for me.

I'm wondering whether this break-up is more about your boyfriend than you. Maybe he wants to be alone to focus on his graduate studies. Maybe he is confused about where he is in life and what direction he may take.
You can arrange to meet for coffee to get clarification on his reasons, and state very clearly to him that you are in no hurry to make any sort of marriage plans. But if he reiterates his concerns, then you need to let him go.
If you are constantly talking about your married friends and their cute little children I can see why some men might jump to the wrong conclusion. You don't have to change your friendships but be cognizent of your conversation topics.