when is it wrong/ when am I "running"?

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Registered: 03-25-2006
when is it wrong/ when am I "running"?
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Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:19pm

I've been seeing someone since March. I think he's a nice person and has many good qualities that are hard to find (at least have been for me). He's dependable, attentive, seems to like me quite a bit, he's not too pushy, adaptable, lets me "take the lead", no addictions and so I've found myself forging ahead during these last months. I really like him on some levels, but on other levels it just feels like it isn't gel-ing. His shortcomings are starting to GLARE at me and I just want to get away. I'm starting to see him as spineless, with no depth, his physical shortcomings are starting to stand out, I just am starting to only see all his NEGATIVE attributes.

I guess only I can answer the question if it's just wrong for me versus "running". We have planned a trip to my hometown later in the summer and I REALLY want to call it off. I actually am dreding it very much. I've talked to my father a bit about this (who is single, divorced 3 times so maybe not the best advisor) but he says it might be that my gut is just telling me something. I put the plane tickets fares on my credit card because part of me knew that this might happen and wanted to take full financial responsibility if it did.

I don't know if this is such a case of me being extremely committmentphobic or if it has more to do with he's just the wrong person for me and that my gut is telling me something. It's so hard to tell. I know that I've been working very hard to forge ahead with him and not give into these feelings because I don't want to let the feelings of committment-phobia rule my life. But it's just not working....

I've been reading "she's scared, he's scared" and also have an appt with my counselor tomorrow. I hope to figure out what end is up soon. Any insight or advice is extremely appreciated.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 1:15pm

I have had to deal with this issue several times including ending a new relationship a few weeks ago--because I have passive commitment issues, I really need to consider, is this guy really not right for me, or am I making mountains out of molehills because of my commitment issues?

So what I do is really LOOK hard at the reasons I'm thinking of ending it. Are they legitimate dealbreakers or are they trivial in the whole scheme of things? In the most recent situation, for instance, we had religious differences (he is a fundamentalist Christian and I'm more middle of the road) and he wasn't willing to just agree to disagree, he kept trying to persuade me to his POV, and also he was showing signs of being insecure and controlling.

In any event, I have found that as I've grappled with this issue this time and in the past, it's been very helpful to run things by a counselor as kind of a reality check--am I being petty or are these legit reasons? So I think it's good that you have an appointment.

Sheri

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:11pm

luky4elle..

Pianoguy is just guessing, but he's willing to bet it's a combination of "commitment phobia" and trying to justify (in your head) that this man is MR. RIGHT?

Look! If you don't want to take him home with you...cancel the trip! The issue isn't connected with how HE appears to your family, but whether YOU are comfortable enough to let him into your life?

Forgive me, but I have to paraphrase a line of dialogue that actor, Karl Malden, spoke to actress, Haley Mills, in the (original 1960) version of Walt Disney's POLLYANNA:

"If you look for the bad in anybody....you will SURELY find it!"

Pianoguy

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Registered: 03-25-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:29pm

I think there's definitely an element of my trying to convince myself of something that's not here. As I try to avoid committmentphobic feelings by overcompensating in other areas, I make another mess of things.

If (after I sort this out a bit more for myself) I decide to cancel the trip, how do I do this in the best way that doesn't devestate him? He told me he was nervous about making plans for a trip because in the past relationships for him have ended right before a trip. And now I feel like I'm doing the same thing to him as whats happened to him in the past. I feel extremely guilty and ashamed about my behavior. I feel like he's been bracing himself for me to break this off and I've been working hard to convince him otherwise. But here I find myself wanting to end it and fearful that he'll feel even more disgusted with me because of the energy I expended in trying to convince him otherwise...

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Registered: 03-25-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:39pm

It's good to hear that my situation isn't some weird isolated thing that just happens to me. But it seems I have found myself, over and over and over and over again in this situation or in the exact situation this guy is facing right now. It seems to always be one way or the other. That part of this dynamic I know has to do with the committment issues.

If this guy is right for me or not is more difficult to unravel and that's probably where I need to start with my appointment tomorrow.

I just am feeling a lot of guilt and shame. That's probably the hardest part of it to handle for me. Knowing that I'm hurting and possibly going to hurt even more another person makes me feel very VERY bad about myself. I'm so glad that I have paid for the tickets myself so that I don't have to deal with the money guilt as well. I feel like I should know better, I'm 35 and still finding myself in really bad situations like this.

Another part of this situation is that I just became physical with him just very recently (this weekend!). It's like that act sent all of this into high emergency status. I feel like I couldn't reach a decision without doing that. Now, that's totally immature. I do feel very bad about that. But in my defense, I honestly never set out to hurt anyone like this.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:46pm

In that case, I'd be extra cautious about making a decision about this right now. It sounds like you are on emotional overload and wouldn't be able to make a good decision. There's no rush, IMO...take your time to really think it over and also see if the negative "run away" feelings subside.

This of course assumes that you're not misleading him in any way (for instance, making pronouncements of undying love for him ;-)).

It's probably a good idea to look at the guilt/shame issues in counseling. Determining if someone is right for you over a period of time is a normal part of dating...it shouldn't be so fraught and make you feel bad about yourself!

Sheri

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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 2:55pm

lukky4elle...

Pianoguy knows (firsthand) that 'pending break-ups' often lead to THE REAL THING!

They're not comfortable for anybody to experience and the 'recovery process' often takes longer than both halves of a couple expect?

But wouldn't it be a better idea to CANCEL THINGS OUT NOW...BEFORE YOU LEAVE? There's a lot less awkwardness if you can keep the cancellation between the two of you..and not get family (or friends) involved ONCE YOU'VE MADE THE TRIP?

Despite this gentleman's 'past failures with women'...you can't force feelings that just AREN'T present inside yourself!

So prepare for A LOT OF ANGER on his side! But a lot less apprehension and frustration on YOURS!

Pianoguy

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Registered: 03-25-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 3:18pm

I have a feeling to figure this out RIGHT NOW ...but I'll try to take my time and think things through to be fair to him and myself.

I'm not professing undying love and trying to be upfront about my reservations without overreacting too much. He's aware of the jist of what I'm feeling. I left it at needing to think things through. He seemed to be ok with that. But part of the guilt I feel is that I know he's on edge and I feel it's so unfair to have been so pursuing and now so cold. I've experienced that myself, it sucks.

The guilt/shame oozes out in so many areas of my life ...but this'll be a new area: guilt/shame in dating. The fun never ends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 3:22pm
I agree it's better sooner than later in these things. I just don't want to be reacting to something that doesn't really coincide with my TRUE feelings. But I have the feeling that (like you said in your previous post) that my efforts to convince myself that he is Mr. Right while simultaneously trying squash my committment-phobic feelings has led to me overlooking the obvious? I'm not sure, I'm trying to make sense of that.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 3:33pm

I'm curious, when do you leave for your extended trip overseas? Maybe that time away will be the break you need to determine whether you're just running, or if you really don't see this guy as compatible.

Another thing to consider is that you could just tell him you've had 2nd thoughts about him coming home with you (that it's too soon) but not break up with him (just cancel him coming with you). Of course, that runs the risk that HE will decide to end things.

Sheri

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Registered: 03-25-2006
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 3:41pm

I've already returned from the trip overseas. It went well in terms of us keeping in touch, something I was really worried about at the onset. We emailed pretty much every day and spoke on the phone once a week. I don't know, I think the time apart made it easy for everything to be ok, it's easy just to drop an email to one another. Coming home and spending time together recently has made me feel things aren't quite right with this.

I thought about saying that it's too early to take this trip to my hometown for me and go myself. Tell him that I thought it would be good timing but it's not. My mistake.

Another approach I thought would be to say that things are becoming too busy with work and obligations since I've gotten home and cancel the trip altogether, ...I could really benefit from the extra time to work and be here, it seems a little more dishonest.

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