when is it wrong/ when am I "running"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
when is it wrong/ when am I "running"?
15
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 12:19pm

I've been seeing someone since March. I think he's a nice person and has many good qualities that are hard to find (at least have been for me). He's dependable, attentive, seems to like me quite a bit, he's not too pushy, adaptable, lets me "take the lead", no addictions and so I've found myself forging ahead during these last months. I really like him on some levels, but on other levels it just feels like it isn't gel-ing. His shortcomings are starting to GLARE at me and I just want to get away. I'm starting to see him as spineless, with no depth, his physical shortcomings are starting to stand out, I just am starting to only see all his NEGATIVE attributes.

I guess only I can answer the question if it's just wrong for me versus "running". We have planned a trip to my hometown later in the summer and I REALLY want to call it off. I actually am dreding it very much. I've talked to my father a bit about this (who is single, divorced 3 times so maybe not the best advisor) but he says it might be that my gut is just telling me something. I put the plane tickets fares on my credit card because part of me knew that this might happen and wanted to take full financial responsibility if it did.

I don't know if this is such a case of me being extremely committmentphobic or if it has more to do with he's just the wrong person for me and that my gut is telling me something. It's so hard to tell. I know that I've been working very hard to forge ahead with him and not give into these feelings because I don't want to let the feelings of committment-phobia rule my life. But it's just not working....

I've been reading "she's scared, he's scared" and also have an appt with my counselor tomorrow. I hope to figure out what end is up soon. Any insight or advice is extremely appreciated.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 4:45pm

Ah, ok, I didn't realize you'd gone already. Time flies ;-)!

I would agree that the first approach would be the more honest one, if you really would primarily be cancelling the trip because you don't want him to go with you.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 8:07am

I've decided I need to back way off from the pressure (which I see I've created to a large extent myself) and take things much slower. I told him about it and raised the idea that I'm also strongly considering cancelling the plans for the vacation. I just want to be as honest as I can about where I am so he is equipped with the info he needs to make any decisions that are right for him.

He feels we should wait to cancel the plans for the trip since there was still time (Aug. 11th). I told him I still felt it was too soon for the trip and it was a mistake. He said he had even considered doing it alone. He also thought that we should not do any sleepovers right now, which I agreed with. For sure.

I feel better in that the pressure is off the situation and I can regroup. I feel I don't have to run anymore and can allow myself the time to see how we interact and if he's someone I enjoy being around without getting so caught up in trying to force things. Although there is still a BIG part of me that wants to just never see him again and wipe this slate clean.

But I wonder, why is this such a difficult thing for me to do? It just seems like common sense and I don't understand how I can't naturally apply my common sense in dating situations when I can apply it in nearly every other aspect of my life.

When I begin to date someone, I rush to make everything seem right, overlooking incompatibilities and chalking them up to quirkiness or the "differences that make life interesting". Emotionally I basically become ALL or NOTHING. Even while things about his character are rubbing me completely the wrong way, I become intent on "winning him over". And then at some point or another (the point I believe I've reached this weekend) where it all comes crashing down around me and I feel I can't get far enough away.

Of course I'm still exploring all of this in counseling...but any insight or similar experiences you might have to share would be appreciated. It's clear there's some sort of committmentphobic reaction I'm having ...but at the same time I'm all gangbusters in the beginning about being with someone. Is there a ROOT cause of such a reaction? Is it the same for all of us who experience this same phenomenoa? Or how important is the root cause?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 11:57am

Well, the root cause is your fear of commitment. That's interesting that you kind of switch back and forth from passive c'phobe to active c'phobe--Steven Carter talks about how some people do that in his book but that's not something I've really experienced (or at least I don't think so). The "gangbusters" in the beginning thing is a definite active c'phobe trait. But I suspect that as with your ex husband, if your partner had active c'phobe traits, you'd revert to the passive mode. Does that sound accurate?

I'm not sure that it's crucial to understand exactly what's causing your fear of commitment (and of course that is going to be different for each person)--I have a general idea of why I'm attracted to unavailable men due to some family stuff, but I think being *aware* of it is more important than really digging to figure out the *specific* reason or reasons. He's Scared, She's Scared has a very helpful section towards the end of the book about what steps to take in the beginning, middle and end of a relationship depending on which role you are playing. If you haven't read that section recently, it might be helpful for you to do now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:39pm

Ok, I pulled out my copy of He's scared, She's scared and yes, in this case my behavior fits almost to a "T" that of the active committmentphobe in the middle panic phase of the relationship. I basically did every behavior (with a few exceptions) listed on pages 270-276 within a 24 hour period of being with him this past weekend. And did all of the "beginning" behaviors on pages 263-270 from the time we met until I got home from my trip. There was also a short performance of the "middle" behaviors thrown in there about 1 week before I left. Geesh.

I've also been on the exact opposite side of this, as was the case with my ex. ...I can identify with what this new person I've with is feeling. It's very unpleasant. But I can also identify with what my ex felt, it's also not pleasant. I guess what's a little better about this side is that I feel I have control. That is, until the point where he decides he's not going to be any part of these shananagans and leaves as I actively push him further and further away.

When I talked with the counselor about this, I thought we'd hash out stuff about this current situation but the conversation quickly led to my past. I think that the counselor uses a cognitive-behavioral approach. Which is good because so much of what I feel is coming from my thoughts and little if anything of what I'm feeling is actually coming from anything outside of me. Which makes me think that my committmentphobic behavior patterns, and passive committmentphobic behavior patterns, are part of some learned set of thoughts I've developed a long time ago. Which most likely has to do with having been raised in a pretty dysfunctional family. I guess deconstructing those thought patterns is what's going to help me overcome these behaviors?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-18-2006 - 1:58pm

Yes, that's the general idea...that, and changing the thoughts as you recognize that they are not doing you any favors ;-), and ultimately changing the behavior that results from those thoughts. The counselor I was seeing recently also had a cognitive approach which I preferred to the more traditional approach used by my previous counselor.

Good luck in working through this and reaching a point where you are either satisfied that you have good reason to break it off (i.e., not just something you're manufacturing in your mind due to the commitment issues), or you are able to work through the issues and continue.

Sheri

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