when to let go....but how?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
when to let go....but how?
2
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 10:44pm
Ive been with my babies father since she was 6 months old(he abandoned me when he found out we were pregnant)shes now 9 months. He loves her but I dont think hes in it 100 percent I can feel it...he can only hold her for a few minutes at a time, which really bothers me. I guess Ive always hoped and prayed that he would come back to me, although I went through hell when he left. Now I wonder if it was worth waiting for. He shows no love towards me, I dont feel attractive to him anymore,although Im slimmer now then before our girl, i simply dont feel good about myself anymore, and Ive told him this. He dosent understand all the anguish and pain I went through when I was pregnant( Him not being there to share this experience with me),not to mention the physical pain of carrying and delivering. Last month he asked me if he could move in with me...I told him I wanted to take it slow, and play it smart....well he told me that if I didnt want him to move in that he would go live with this other woman and he named her....I was absolutely crushed! AGAIN! to make a long story short ...he only comes over when he wants sex or a place to crash..hes not there for me emotionally whatsoever.What should I say to him? How can I get him to understand how I feel. He hates to be wrong and tells me to "GET OVER IT!" What should I do? Help!


Edited 9/15/2004 10:48 pm ET ET by ronny74
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 1:23am
This isn't the sort of man that you need in your life. He isn't where he needs to be to be your partner. He's so far off the mark. He doesn't get it and he doesn't want to know...he wants to gloss over the yucky stuff and get on with playing at family...that's not the basis for a long term relationship, ignoring the difficulties and focusing on having good times. He's got to acknowledge the damage he's done and do some work to fix and even make things better. You don't want what you had, you want better. You can talk until you're blue in the face, get on your knees and beg, cry and plead and scream at him...but you can't make him be what he isn't.

About his relationship with his child...there is only one way for him to bond with her and that is for him to spend time with her. I know a couple of macho guys who are really nervous around little babies and don't really get the hang of it until the babies are a little more active.

He's coming over for sex? He doesn't actually take you out? WHY are you sleeping with him?? He's going to come over until you stand up for yourself. The next time he comes over, LEAVE him with the baby and go for some coffee. Let him bond with the child...you don't need this guy in your life. He CAN have a meaningful relationship with his child OUTSIDE of your home. He doesn't have to live with you so don't use that old 'for the sake of the baby' excuse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 9:32am
I'd let him move in with her. I'd actually encourage it. Then I would contact a lawyer and make sure that my child would be provided for. I'd make sure he got limited visitation at best and not let him so much as touch me again. This guy is toxic, immature, and has no knowledge of the word responsibility. Best to keep him out of your life as much as possible and let his toxic influence not be exposed to your daughter. It is better that you not be with this man, as I've said before, children learn from example. Letting him move in for "the sake of the child" will actually only teach her to expect this kind of toxic behaviour from men in the future, and that the kind of physical relationship that you have is normal. Don't do this to your child.

JMHO