When is the right time to tell him
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When is the right time to tell him
| Tue, 03-18-2008 - 11:08pm |
I am single, in my mid-thirties and dating. I am unable to have kids due to a health issue. When is the right time to bring this up? I'm now seeing a great guy from a nice family and I know he wants kids. I'm sure I will come up with this again if this guy leaves over this issue, so I was wondering if anyone had any advice. It would just seem weird to blurt that out on a first date...
thanks!

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Hi Merrie,
Welcome to the board!!
Sorry to hear about your health issue.
I disagree with Christie on the timing - you want to know this well before you talk about being exclusive - youve already gotten attached at that point. It usually happens early on when you ask each other what you are looking for long tern - IN GENERAL (not with YOU) and thats likely in the first
Toni
Thanks for the input.
We have been seeing each other since the beginning of January - so 2 and a half months.
I need to bring it up soon because I am really starting to like him and would hate to fall more for him then have the heartache of a breakup.
He has asked to be exclusive, but we haven;t had that "what are you looking for" conversation.
Should I just bring it up?
I really like him and would rather have him in my life as a friend, than nothing at all. If we kept dating and broke up over this issue just because we didn't discuss it earlier, it's unlikely we could be friends.
Wow. 2 months and you don't know what he is looking for? Hon, this is just general stuff that you find out when you first start dating, like: what are your goals in life? where do you see yourself in 5 years? Where do you want to live? What kind of person do you see yourself marrying? etc. and it usually happens within the first weeks in natural conversations. did you not ever have any kind of exchanges where you found out that he wanted to get married and have kids or move across the country or whatnot?
Here is a link to a good overview of having hte talk.
Toni
If you can 'sleep' with the guy, you should be able to talk about this with him. I am not saying you have to, but it should not be taboo.
General health discussions would be a good entry for the disclosure. My late thirty something male friends do like to know this information as if prevents wasting his time and yours.
It looks as though you will have to bring up the subject of kids with him.
ugh.
I went out with him last night and said that I needed to talk to him. I said that since we had been seeing each other, I have really gotten to like him and that I was not sure where we were going. He's never really explained what his intentions are (is he just having a good time? is he hoping to meet someone to settle down with?). The only reason I knew that he wanted kids was because he talked about "someday" which he made sound very far away, and not like he was looking to meet the person he would have these kids with quite yet.
So, I asked him what his thoughts were and he said that he was "in this for the long haul." I was shocked, actually. Probably because most of my past relationships have been with guys who are around for a good time, not a long time.
So, I told him about my condition. He said that it wasn't a deal breaker at that very moment, but that he'd need sometime to think about it to be sure. He asked if I was open to adoption. So, he's off thinking and I am sitting here waiting.
I think we were both just going along and NEITHER of us asked questions about goals, future, intentions, etc. So if he thinks I omitted something important, we never really had the opportunity to have that kind of conversation. And he hasn't spilled his guts about himself (and I haven't asked)
Lesson learned, I suppose. I just do not know how to do this dating stuff. Why doesn't anyone teach it? Or, do they?
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