when should he want to be exclusive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
when should he want to be exclusive?
13
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 11:04am

Hi,
I've been dating this guy for six weeks now. we see each other 3 times or so each week so we spend every weekend together. Initially he seems like he wants things to get serious but in the past few weeks, he has pulled back and has admitted that he is doing that intentionally because he's not sure if he's ready for something serious.
I thought in the beginning that things were going well but because of the uncertainty now, i'm not sure.
To make matters more complicated, an ex whom i still like called me a few weeks ago and wanted to try things again and i told him i couldn't because i was seeing someone else. But i got the suspicion that the current guy is dating around and so i asked him and sure enough he said he did go out with others but only because he met them around the same time and it's a one date thing with them. He said he is spending so much time with me how can he really be dating others.

Well, knowing that he is dating around, i feel that it was stupid of me not to give the ex a try because i can do it guilty free. At the same time, i wonder why the current guy i'm seeing can't commit to me if he likes me so much like he claims.

So my questions are:
1) is there something wrong that this guy, who claims to like me a lot and see me a few times a week but can't commit to me? is 6 weeks way too early? (he did say he could see things going there)

2) by me seeing the ex, am i messing things up with the current guy? i told him about the ex because i wanted to keep things honest between us. Frankly i can't choose right now between them.

any comments would be greatly appreciated

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 12:26pm
Hello daisy_boo, welcome to the board!

 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 1:26pm

Terry, while I agree that six weeks is WAAAY too soon for a "total commitment", dating exclusively is SOOOO not that!

All agreeing to date exclusively means is that you're making a commitment to not date other people so that you can focus on getting to know each other and seeing if you might be compatible for the long term without the distractions of other people in the mix. That's it. It's a STEP in the process towards a serious, committed r'ship, but it is not in itself a commitment to be in a serious, committed r'ship.

To the OP: here's a link to an excellent post on this topic:

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1&ctx=0

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:07pm
Sheri,

 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:11pm

Well, you could be right...I read her saying "can't commit to me" that as shorthand for "he can't commit to dating me exclusively", since that was the topic of her post. But maybe she does think that dating exclusively means a serious commitment! If that's the case, then at six weeks, I agree, it's way too soon for that!!!

But I think most people think that dating exclusively is just a step in the process towards a serious commitment.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:16pm
Score: Sheri = 1, Terry = 1 --- it's a draw!! ;-)

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:19pm
well, i'm more confused than ever now :)
i think that in time things will need to get to the exclusive stage because obviously we are both bothered by the other going out on dates with other people but at the same time we know we aren't at the point to say we will only date each other. I think if the suspicions and jealousy and what not drag on too long, the relationship will deteriorate. that's why i wasn't sure if it's good to disclose to him that i'm planning to see another guy. Also there is the intimacy aspect, it's hard to really get intimate (emotionally) if you're dating multiple people, plus there are also health concerns etc. i think this exclusivity i'm talking about is the variety of i'm happy with exploring the possiblity of a long term relationship with you and to do that, i choose to only see you (for now because who knows what will happen in the future). Is that serious commitment? Is there a difference?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:30pm

Absolutely there is a difference between exploring the possibility of an LTR (the exclusive dating stage) vs. being IN a serious LTR (the serious, committed stage)!!!

I am not comfortable sleeping with someone with whom I haven't discussed and reached agreement as to dating exclusively, for the reasons you mentioned.

However, if you don't have any agreement as to exclusivity, there is nothing to prevent either of you from dating other people, and I personally think it's very tacky to TELL someone you are going out with someone else. In the absence of an exclusivity agreement, that is assumed.

Did you read Spiceman's post on the other board? I think he lays out pretty clearly.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:32pm
Sorry if I confused you (now I have to go back and change the score to Sheri = 1, Terry = 0!)

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 2:43pm
well, i guess for some reason, i just felt guilty dating another person and knew it would lead to lying which is not something i condone or am very good at. i didn't set out wanting to tell him but it just came out in conversation. maybe i'm trying to alleviate my guilt? maybe show him i'm also uncertain? besides, isn't honesty the best policy? maybe it's not? i just don't want to hide anything from him so i laid all my expectations, feelings and uncertainties out on the table. is that wrong?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Thu, 12-30-2004 - 3:46pm
It is never wrong to be honest and tell them your expectations then he can make the descion of weather or not he wants to pursue you. I was in situation like this recently but I did not lay down my line in the begining and it turned into 6 months of me questioning where the realtionship was going.They won't do it for you if things seem good and you don't bring it up men will assume all is good. So it is always better to talk about it and get a straight answer out of the person cause assuming and guessing are not the right answer. Needless to say mine never wanted a commitment and we ended up breaking up. Don't feel guilty dating other people he is too right and if he asks you out and you have a date just say oh I already have plans you don't need to give details then if he starts trippin that is when you bring up the whole commitment conversation and then you will have your answer. Hope this helps a little.

Pages