when should he want to be exclusive?
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| Tue, 12-14-2004 - 11:04am |
Hi,
I've been dating this guy for six weeks now. we see each other 3 times or so each week so we spend every weekend together. Initially he seems like he wants things to get serious but in the past few weeks, he has pulled back and has admitted that he is doing that intentionally because he's not sure if he's ready for something serious.
I thought in the beginning that things were going well but because of the uncertainty now, i'm not sure.
To make matters more complicated, an ex whom i still like called me a few weeks ago and wanted to try things again and i told him i couldn't because i was seeing someone else. But i got the suspicion that the current guy is dating around and so i asked him and sure enough he said he did go out with others but only because he met them around the same time and it's a one date thing with them. He said he is spending so much time with me how can he really be dating others.
Well, knowing that he is dating around, i feel that it was stupid of me not to give the ex a try because i can do it guilty free. At the same time, i wonder why the current guy i'm seeing can't commit to me if he likes me so much like he claims.
So my questions are:
1) is there something wrong that this guy, who claims to like me a lot and see me a few times a week but can't commit to me? is 6 weeks way too early? (he did say he could see things going there)
2) by me seeing the ex, am i messing things up with the current guy? i told him about the ex because i wanted to keep things honest between us. Frankly i can't choose right now between them.
any comments would be greatly appreciated

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Terry, while I agree that six weeks is WAAAY too soon for a "total commitment", dating exclusively is SOOOO not that!
All agreeing to date exclusively means is that you're making a commitment to not date other people so that you can focus on getting to know each other and seeing if you might be compatible for the long term without the distractions of other people in the mix. That's it. It's a STEP in the process towards a serious, committed r'ship, but it is not in itself a commitment to be in a serious, committed r'ship.
To the OP: here's a link to an excellent post on this topic:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlanswerman&msg=11654.1&ctx=0
Sheri
Well, you could be right...I read her saying "can't commit to me" that as shorthand for "he can't commit to dating me exclusively", since that was the topic of her post. But maybe she does think that dating exclusively means a serious commitment! If that's the case, then at six weeks, I agree, it's way too soon for that!!!
But I think most people think that dating exclusively is just a step in the process towards a serious commitment.
Sheri
i think that in time things will need to get to the exclusive stage because obviously we are both bothered by the other going out on dates with other people but at the same time we know we aren't at the point to say we will only date each other. I think if the suspicions and jealousy and what not drag on too long, the relationship will deteriorate. that's why i wasn't sure if it's good to disclose to him that i'm planning to see another guy. Also there is the intimacy aspect, it's hard to really get intimate (emotionally) if you're dating multiple people, plus there are also health concerns etc. i think this exclusivity i'm talking about is the variety of i'm happy with exploring the possiblity of a long term relationship with you and to do that, i choose to only see you (for now because who knows what will happen in the future). Is that serious commitment? Is there a difference?
Absolutely there is a difference between exploring the possibility of an LTR (the exclusive dating stage) vs. being IN a serious LTR (the serious, committed stage)!!!
I am not comfortable sleeping with someone with whom I haven't discussed and reached agreement as to dating exclusively, for the reasons you mentioned.
However, if you don't have any agreement as to exclusivity, there is nothing to prevent either of you from dating other people, and I personally think it's very tacky to TELL someone you are going out with someone else. In the absence of an exclusivity agreement, that is assumed.
Did you read Spiceman's post on the other board? I think he lays out pretty clearly.
Sheri
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