When will I heal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
When will I heal?
7
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 8:11pm
I am 30 years old, never married no children. I have spent most of my time in relationships with the WRONG men. I mean needy, using liars. Just recently (a month), I have met this really great man. In the past month, we've seen each other quite a bit. MY problem is that all my insecurities, gained from past relationships, are effecting us. I get upset when he's too busy. I always think there's other women. I try not to let him see my insecurities but he can sense them, and always wants to talk them out. I am really upset with myself that I cant trust him, he's done nothing wrong. In the back of my mind, I just dont want to be surprised by anything, I think if I expect the worst I wont be as hurt WHEN it happens. He has been really supportive, but I am pushing him away. He will only take so much, we havent known each other that long. I just need to tips on how to deal with my insecurities and keep him in my life.


Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2003
In reply to: j7hope
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 9:24pm
honey i feel your pain. i'm only 18 and have had only 2-3 (one may or may not count) serious relationships and already i have bad patterns. first i want to tell you to love yourself. i know its cliched and i'm a hypocrite for saying it but you do not need a man in your life. i'm dealing with some bad things and not sure if i should stay in my current relationship or not. i'm not even 19...i could leave and live. the thing i need to tell myself is that i can be happy without him in my life, that i am a complete person without him. next...your insecurities about the relationship. dont feel bad about having them. they keep you on your toes. if you blindly and naively allow yourself to be caught off guard you will end up dissapointed and let down...and that hurts like b*tch. dont get your hopes up. it sounds very cynical i know. but its my firm belief that men suck.

i suppose i'm not being very helpful. just give it some time and explain to him that you have some insecurities due to past relationships and that it will take you some time to move past them and learn to trust again. (trust is a precious thing, dont give it out too readily...believe me)

if this relationship is meant to be...it'll work out. just keep puttin forth your best effort and try to stay positive. and remember, communicate with your man. they're extremely stupid and completely retarded when it comes to women. they're immature too. they dont handle things the way we do and need to be told exactly what it is you want them to know. they're too stupid to figure out that you saying you loooove roses means you'd like him to give you one sometime. you have to actually say "i'd like you to give me a rose...no better yet, just give me some money and i'll go get it for myself you lazy bum"

noticing a little resentment? this isnt healthy i'm only 18 and i hate men! agggh.

anyway....just because i'm young doesnt mean i dont know what i'm talking about. take my advice for what its worth...and remember...no matter who you get advice from-you're going to have to do all the work and make the final decision yourself. and its scary. good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
In reply to: j7hope
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:14am
Since you're the one with the issues: insecurities, neediness and such you should resolve the problems before getting involved with any man. The baggage you carry is too heavy and you'll be sabotaging your relationships even if you don't want to. Why not take some time off from the dating scene and spend time with yourself, knowing you and trying to fiigure out what you want? When you're healthy emotionalwise get back into the field and you'll see that it'll be different.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
In reply to: j7hope
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 11:38am
Jennifer,

My word of advice would be to seek counselling. Look into a therapist, you won't need a psychiatrist that costs lots of money, just someone (not your boyfriend) that can help you deal with these insecurities. This guy is NOT the other men you had in your life. He seems to care enough to help you work through this. Keep seeing him, but let him know that you are working with a therapist to get over some of the trust issues you have. He should be glad you want to get help and not just push him away.

Also start a journal and write down all the past let downs in there so you can get them off your chest. I found that this worked for me in helping me heal a lot. I too was the same way after my split with my son's dad- that any guy that said "I'll call you" my reply was "yeah, right". Took me a long time to learn to bite my tongue and see that the new guy wasn't my ex. You can keep your eyes open for the signs to avoid the same pain, but you can't assume that everyone is the same.

Being honest with yourself and this new guy will help. Find the therapist to help you get over the PAST, but work with this new guy to build the present relationship.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
In reply to: j7hope
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 12:22pm
Echoing what everyone else has said:
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
In reply to: j7hope
Thu, 07-15-2004 - 2:45pm
I do the same exact thing when I am with someone. It like you build a wall up around you and that way you won't get hurt. No matter how strong that wall is, it something go wrongs you will hurt. I really don't know what to say because I am the same way. I am having problems with a boyfriend and I don't know what to do. But if he is trying to be supportive, give him a chance. I know you don't want to hear this one because I hate it when people say it to me but If you don't give it a chance, you might end up missing out on something really special!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2004
In reply to: j7hope
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 4:05pm
I am very thankful for all the responses. He and I have since discussed this problem, and we are going to work through it. I am going to work through it, whatever it takes. My biggest fear was that I wouldnt ever be able to trust anyone, and thats just not me. I hate the fact that those horrible men have messed me up so bad. I had sought counseling before but I dont think I was ready. I am ready now and am going back to my old counselor. I initially though that time would heal me. Now I realize I have to forgive the others in my past, instead of trying to forget. Move past all this. I dont want to lose this man, if I do than I want to learn from it. I dont want to carry on this pattern, I've essentially become the abuser. I have been reading on this, I guess I am trying to make my past right with this man, who has done nothing wrong. Thank you again, for all the insight it has been helpful. I wish everyone the best.

Jennifer

j7hope@aol.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
In reply to: j7hope
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 7:11pm

Jennifer,


I too, was in your boat for many years. Did not trust any man for any reason and I always built a wall and in the end sabotaged the relationship, and found a way to end EVERY relationship in my life.