Where is this going?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Where is this going?
10
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 7:00pm
So I met this guy and we have gone on three dates after the first night we met. These dates were well planned and I had lots of fun. He is well mannered and pays for everything. However, we would only go on these dates for one weekend date (either Friday or Saturday night)not both nights. We only speak twice a week and I never call first except for once to check up on an event he went to without me. He tends to call a couple of days after our date and then one more time after that to plan on the next date. I think we should be seeing eachother or at least talking to eachother more, if he wants to be serious which is what I want. Now, after our last date he told me he plans to go away for the weekend and in two weeks will be doing so again. I feel like he wants to start getting intimate now that we have been together for almost a month. I think I need to sit him down and discuss whether or not he wants to be exclusive with me. I hope to do this after his trip. He told me we may be able to get together before he leaves for the weekend during the week. Is it a good idea to have "a talk" when he gets back. I fear that there is another girl that he is dealing with on the days we aren't together or maybe he wants this to be a casual thing for a long time. He has never asked me or talked about previous relationships. Any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 11-07-2004 - 10:57pm
AFter three dates (over the course of three weeks?), just how much more attention do you need? I don't like to hear that much from people in the beginning...too clingy and it makes them appear like they don't have a life.

However, I do think you're wise to find out what he's after before you're intimate and establish that you're exclusive. He probably is dating someone else...but that's ok isn't it while you aren't exclusive? You could be, too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Mon, 11-08-2004 - 10:57pm
It isn't about getting attention from this guy. It is more about me not wanting to waste my time going out with him if in the end this will not become serious but just a casual relationship. Im trying to find signs that he wont get serious so that I wont bother getting attached to him now and maybe just avoid him instead. I dont think Im acting clingy because I NEVER call him and I missed some of his calls. Also, the reason Im getting to this point is because he is starting to make references to hanging out in either of our apartments. When we do so, I feel like I will only end up explaining to him that I will only go so far until I know whether or not we are being exclusive. It seems like this discussion will have to take place soon and Im trying to know the right way to go about it. AND I feel like I cant have him on the side while I go out and look for someone else. I rather just be single and then meet one right person. Any other thoughts? thanks....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 6:09am
Hi,

I don't think you're being clingy,as you've missed calls,not being too availabe,and it

sounds like you can question where you think your relationship stands. Especially if

he wants to hang out in your apartment,one thing leads to the other in intimate settings.

I feel this way too,as I've been seeing someone for a month,first a friendship with

alot of romantic feelings,never to the point of making love. He always prefers us

to date at home instead of going out,like dinner,movies,etc. We've had 2 home dates,

with wonderful conversations,common interests,goals,backgrounds,alot of affection,kissing,

etc.,not consumating any sexual liasons. I know he's wanting more,but never pushes

the issue as he also has weekends with his buddies. I know he's a real sportsman,and

volunteers to charities,football coaches and enjoys quality time with his friends.I've

also told him I'd be seeing my girlfriends when he went back home to LA,where he moved

from. I'd really love him to ask me be more exclusive,but am afraid he'll think me too

possessive of him. I can only suggest you tell him you'd be more intimate if he agrees

to see you exclusively. I'm feeling this way,but we've only been dating once every other

week for the past 2 months, more casually. My friend(still)also waiters in a busy

hotel restaurant,long hours,permits him late hours to see me,and weekends are usually

free.He'd like more intimacy from me,but I too fear,sometimes his buddy saturdays may

be females. Good luck and hope you both get to be more exclusive,as you're dating more

frequent and that's a positive sign to a future loving relationship! Wish I could get

my guy friend to become committed to a more intimate relationship. If I keep

going to his place we'll end up having an affair. Just hope he treats it not as a

physical fling and a solid loving relationship,I must discuss this in the near future.

Hopefully,before he keeps having his buddy weekends,we could share our friends gatherings

together also. Building trust in each other can be a great foundation to a future of

romance and love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-04-2004
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 8:18am
I don't think you're being too clingy, but because you haven't become intimate or had the talk about becoming exclusive, it's really not your business to know what he's doing every minute without you. Guys have friends too, so I'm sure he has to have time for them as well. It's possible he could be seeing another girl, so if you're planning on becoming intimate, I would recommend you asking beforehand. (I'm giving this advice, because I could have used it about a month ago, i'm in a similar situation.)

-Nikki
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 9:58pm
I'm glad to be receiving all of these opinions and also to see other people in similar situations as me. I think when a relationship starts out like this, maybe it never goes anywhere serious-- but I could be wrong. With the last guy I dated, we had all this weird stuff in the beginning and I didnt want to lose him, so I became intimate hoping that one day he would commit. It was such a terrible mistake. We were together for 1 1/2 yrs but he NEVER brought up the "exclusive" issue and refused to call me his girlfriend. We were always together so it might have been hard for him to be cheating (we were in school together) but I never felt secure. After that whole 'waste of time' with him, I am just trying to avoid another situation like that. Yet I am also trying not to over-react and just cut this new guy off because he isnt giving me so much time or attention. He went away this weekend and told me we might get together before he left. He just called to tell me we'd get together next week when he gets back since he had no time this week. If he cant make the time though, I wonder how into me he really is. At least he called, I guess. I can be patient but I refuse to be naive and just wait around for something that might never be....
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 12:56pm

I'm not a man-hater or anything but i caught on to something that I think you should watch out for.


The fact that its sort of a routine that you only go out ONE day out of the weekend, and that he calls you once or twice a week maybe and lets you know ahead of time he'll be out of town such and such. Sounds to me like he's sharing his time with another woman.


Dont think so?


just be careful. I dated a guy for 3 months, met all his freinds, his manager, slept at his house a few times, and even did a background check on him ... then he passed away and turned out he was MARRIED.


all those clues before just hadnt registered bc i was buddying up with his freinds, stayed at his house, etc etc... but he too only "reserved" one night per weekend for me which was probably "guys night" to her... and he only called a few times per week and used alot of excuses when i tried to get him to go out on week days etc.


just watch yourself. do a little digging if you must. you can do an online background check for $28. i recommend it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2004
Sun, 11-14-2004 - 8:36pm
I kind of thought about what you told me - the whole background check thing and I had considered it at one point because i KNOW people who could do it for me. Yet I feel like it may be unnecessary. I was speaking to my friends about my situation and they said that maybe he just is taking things slowly since we only met about one month ago. ALso, he is ALWAYS talking about stress from work and how crazy his projects are that he doesnt come home until 10 or 11 at night. The weird thing is that this weekend on his drive to his trip, he spent three hours on the phone with me. I practically spoke to him through the drive there and then he called later at night when he arrived. I was mad about him going away but then I realized guys need to do their thing and maybe he just needs this time to go away. I dont know, really if Im over-reacting. Im not even sure when and how to bring up the whole "relationship" thing because I think he should initiate that too. Im so confused about everything that maybe this is a sign to not waste me time???? I dont know anymore....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 3:57am
Hi danconfused,

Bellina again, I can only say is in his calling you on his trip and spending hours

on the phone,is a good sign. You seem to be on his mind despite his weekend apart

from you,give this some thought. When my friend P. called to say he was going away

the passed weekend he did so the beginning of that prior week. I didn't hear from

him until several days upon his returning from Calif. to visit his ill mom. I too

have a few doubts as to where our relationship is going,be it friends or a future

of romance. It can be very complex when guys start out as friends,although quite

refreshing not to be intimate immediately. I've done that in the past with a very

handsome bloke, a dead ringer for Jude Law,sadly also like the playboy character

he portrayed in Alfie. Only to learn he wasn't fully divorced,wanting just a casual

fling. I was so blinded by his looks,charm,intelligence,etc.,I didn't see this coming,

we'd spend lots of time talking,laughing,making love(our chemistry was amazing),but

the sad part is he broke my heart,decided to go back with his wife.The shock of

this I learned she was pregnant,this hurt even more,knowing what a fool I'd been

to love him. Now I prefer to take things slower in the passions and romantic area

and be friends first.Luv, I can only suggest to value your being friends,then hint

at closer feelings. Ask him if there's any hope for the two of you in a more loving

relationship. It is so difficult when one has such strong feelings for someone and

don't want to push them away by chatting of this delicate issue. I believe if he

values you enough to call via a trip out of town that says something right there.

Be patient,wait a little more then bring up getting more exclusive. I have a

good feeling you're both headed for amour! Good luck, Bellina your Liverpoolian friend!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 11-15-2004 - 8:34am

Just stay on your toes and let him lead the way. But dont limit yourself to this one man. if he is not showing you respect and admiration with any clues that he may want a committed relationship, then talk to him about it. Relationships never work when both poeple have different ideas on how fast or how slow things shoudl be going.... how things should progress... how much time you should spend together etc. If your ideas are completely different from what he's allowing you to have, then its a sign that you two are different-minded poeple and will likely not get along.


on a flip note... one month is waaaaaaaaaay too soon to determine those things and the fact that you got mad he went out of town is a MAJOR flag that you're already far ahead of him. i mean, seriously... its only been ONE month.


again, dont limit yourself to this man until he's showing you he wants a committed relationship. bc right now he is ignoring you enough to make you wonder, but keeping in touch just enough to turn your head the other way and think "maybe he DOES like me".


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2004
Sat, 11-20-2004 - 11:45pm

Is his name Steve, by any chance? Your situation sounds very much like my last relationship. He too only wanted to see me once a week...never any other time. We would spend Saturday nights together and he'd call or e-mail me a few times during the week. I would stay at his place on Saturday night, leave early Sunday morning and wouldn't hear from him again until Tuesday. This went on for about 8 months and never changed from once a week. I finally questioned him after all that time as to why we couldn't spend a little more time together, maybe a Friday night once in a while. You would have thought I had asked him to cut off his right arm. He got very defensive and said that would not be happening "any time soon" as I would try to get him to leave his "friends" and other stuff he enjoyed doing apart from me. He never took me anywhere his friends would be and I never met a single one of his friends in all that time. When we were together, he never held my hand or put his arm around me. Anyone who saw us might assume we were just friends or even relatives. Also, he used to go out of town on occasion to some dances, but never took me with him, never even invited me to go.

It turned out that he was involved with another woman he met at one of those dances but claimed they were only "friends". However, he saw her way more than me even though wee were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship. She had a boyfriend that she was having problems with and he was her confidant. I never met her either. When I told him that I was not happy about him being so emotionally involved with her, he again got angry and accused me of being jealous and insecure. On Valentine's Day he didn't even call me or send me a card or flowers--nothing. It was a Friday night...he was off from work so there was no reason he couldn't have at least called to wish me a happy Valentine's Day. My birthday was a few days later and he did call (in the afternoon) to wish me a happy birthday. No card, now flowers, nothing. The following week he e-mails me to tell me he was going to be really busy and didn't know if we'd be able to spend much time together--he was going to help his friend with his computer, work on his friend's taxes and go out to dinner with his friend.

After all that it finally dawned on me that I was on the back burner. I always had a knot in my stomach when I'd leave his place, knowing it would be another week before I saw him again and wondering why he never seemed to want to spend more time together. When I found out why, it was like a knife had stabbed me in the heart. He pretty much told me that his "friendship" with her was important to him, that they had a lot in common and he was not going to stop seeing her. I decided to walk away and figured if he cared for me, even a little, he wouldn't allow me to walk away, but guess what? He did.

I just want you to be very cautious about a guy who doesn't seem to be giving you much of his time. Sure men do like to be with their friends, but sometimes that friend is not always a male and it's not always a platonic friendship. Also, a guy who is into a woman will not put her on the back burner for his friends. If a guy ever starts showing me those red flags again, I will not allow myself to get involved with him. It's just too difficult on my emotions. Just something for you to think about.