The "Where is this going?" Talk

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
The "Where is this going?" Talk
3
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 1:43am
B and I have been really close friends for almost three years. (We are both in our mid-20s.) He's currently going to school out of state, and we only get to see each other on breaks. We talk a couple times a week and email one another often. When he is home, we spend almost every waking moment together. I've loved him for the past two years. Neither of us has dated anyone in that time. He knows how much I love and care about him because I have told him. Yet all we are is friends, no official title or commitment. Last year he told me he loved me and wanted to get married, but that was when I was living in Europe. He hasn't brought it up since, and I don't know what that is supposed to mean. Last time I asked him about making a real commitment to each other, he said he didn't know what he wanted. That was over a year ago. We both have many goals that we want to accomplish before settling down - I have at least four more years of school in order to get my MSW, he graduates next year, is joining the Peace Corps, and then is going to law school. I'm not asking for him to propose, I just want to know if this is headed somewhere. I've felt for a long time that he and I are meant to be together, but I don't know if he feels the same way. A part of me is afraid to try and have "the talk" because what if he doesn't love me and want to be with me? That's not what I want to hear. I honestly can't see myself twenty years from now without him in my life. I can't imagine ever being as close with another man as I am with B. I don't know if I could really be "just friends" forever. I've already been waiting on him for about two years or so. How do I bring up the whole, "I need to know where this is headed..." without it sounding like a huge ultimatum??? HELP!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:38am
I think, sadly, you have your answer from him more than once and he obviously knows if he changes his mind he will run to tell you. It sounds like he is very focused on his career - I know in my first year of law school (in 1991!) I was completely devoted to studying to the point that I damaged a serious relationship I was in (we got back together, he proposed, I declined and last year, ten years after we broke up he told me he came out of the closet a year after we broke up - so I am glad I focused on school!)

Tangent - sorry - look, the best thing you can do is the slow process of separating - you can tell him you cannot be close friends with him because of your feelings but there is no ultimatum to give or talk to have - been there, done that. all the best to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:43am
I don't think you should wait for him. Keeping being his friend, but start getting out there and dating. If he wants you, seeing you dating might encourage him to acknowledge his feelings for you. If he doesn't, at least you aren't wasting time waiting for him.

I know you are close, but two years without real intimacy... it makes me wonder if there is enough attraction/desire for you on his part to make a relationship a realistic idea.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:46pm
Unless he makes a committment to you, do not assume that you are in a committed relationship. Date others because he truly does not know what he wants.