Where's This One Headed?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Where's This One Headed?
7
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 3:12am
Brief history --- I met this guy in the 7th grade and hated him on principle until he basically took it as a challenge and we ended up being super close friends. In high school he tried to let me know how much he cared about me, and I pushed him away because I was TOO TOO scared of that --- Fast forward about 12 years, we're both 30, newly divorced from people we fully intended to spend the rest of our lives with and just found out we are both living in our hometown. We get together to catch up, and while discussing our lives over the past few years, end up discussing how we've basically been looking for each other all this time.

So, we've been on a couple of dates. Spent more time together, and truly just enjoy each other's company. We can talk about anything, laugh about everything, and spend hours together doing nothing at all.

My biggest fear is that we both feel like we've got one shot at making a relationship between us work, and we're both kind of raw around the edges from being the "scorned" ones in our marriages and I just don't know exactly how to go about "dating" someone that I've basically been in love with for 12 years without getting ahead of myself --- something both he and I are being very careful of, but occasionally one of us lets slip something that implies a bigger committment or longer lasting relationship than either of us will admit being ready for...

So --- any ideas out there???

Gina.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 8:46am

How long have you each been divorced?

Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 3:08am
Neither of us has been officially divorced for long. But we've been unmarried - if that makes sense - for several months. We're both to the point where we're ready to date, but unsure if we'll ever even want to get married or commit ourselves wholly to someone else again.

I'm not sure I'm looking for an all or nothing in this - I just know that I have a very deep and dedicated love for him, and that's reciprocated. Aside from the romantic feelings - which I am just admitting. The love I have for him will exist whether or not we end up in a long-term relationship or end up being friends and nothing else.

I tend to get caught up in the swoon of new romance, so I definitely need to take this slowly. One really good aspect of this is that because he has a son and step-son that he is very devoted to, and right now his custody agreement doesn't allow him to have his kids around "girlfriends" etc. And that's FINE with me. I'm glad of it - it creates automatic "away" time for us. I'm also going to go back to school (something my ex-husband wouldn't hear of), and developing some other interests that I lost while I was with my ex. Things that will give me my own life outside of the feelings I have for this guy.

This is really the first time I've been interested in someone that I've thought so much about what's the right and wrong thing to do, and I'm feeling more everyday like I'm wanting to let this thing develop naturally because I think it has a chance, I don't want to force it - I don't want to let my swooning over the "new romance" giddiness to ruin my judgement - if that makes sense at all.

Anyhow - it's late and I'm rambling. Does any of this make more sense? Probably not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 3:23pm
ginamc1225...

First...Pianoguy would like to congratulate you on making the choice to go back to school! You might be amazed at how much stuff you actually have learned since your last visit? And learning "new things" will help you make better decisions, right?

How do you think your new educational choice is going to affect your 'buddy' from the 7th grade? Has he been encouraging and supportive? IF SO...GREAT! Get the knowledge you want and stay friends with the man. Besides...what's wrong with being "a support system for each other?" You can GET SERIOUS later!

But do me a favor....PUH-LEAZE?

Don't start assuming that there's only one time up at bat (romantically) with anybody!

Pianoguy rekindled a romance and a friendship...twice! Ironically...the friendships lasted and the romances ended up beyond rigormortis! !

If there's a future ahead (for you) with the gentleman you've known since jr. high school...it'll develop on its own. Then again...there might be a "new college boy" who will take a 'fancy' to you? So explore your options....along with your education.

You'll probably end up A WINNER...TWICE! Best of luck and good wishes from...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 2:58am
I realized today that my emotions are all over the place for several reasons.

1. I just got out of a B-A-D relationship.

2. Getting out of that relationship ended my insurance which also means I'm not taking some non-essential but helpful medication and I'm in a transition there too.

3. I'm not in "my" space yet --- I'm moving into my parents house as they move out -- they're not gone yet and I have no real routine, no real "time" or "space" of my own --- which I desperately need right now.

4. Getting out of that marriage means I've had to get a full time job - so there's another transition.


I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture. Transition, transition, transition --- I'm having a string of days that although good things are happening for me, I feel like crap on the inside alot. There are so many things that don't make sense to me. There are so many things that do make sense.

I just need to keep my heart and head in check where my friend is concerned. We enjoy spending time together, we enjoy each other's company and we are a good support system for each other.

Today - tonight - I really just kind of think I'll never be able to fall in love again, and that's okay. Kind of sad, but okay, there must be something else out there for me.

And, Pianoguy, that's a good idea about the meeting some college cutie, but I'm doing school online - so that's probably not an option! :)

I'm off to bed now. Me and my dog, and my mom's dog === too many dogs === :) Not really, if it weren't for my pup I'd have totally lost my mind by now.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Gina.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:22am
Gina....

Just a quick P.S. to your last post.

Most dogs are terrific!

Pianoguy's border collie has been a wonderful part of his life for almost 12 years! Wimpy has seen so many changes and yet...seems to "go with the flow" very well? That dog has seen me at my best...my worst...and every conceivable emotion in-between!

Don't you find it amazing how much a dogcan sense about us? And in their own way, try to provide a little comfort and reassurance when we're having a crummy day?

Of course...if our favorite pets could comfortably sit at a computer screen and type in all of our "hidden secrets"---You and I would probably be in BIG TROUBLE?

Or at the very least...be a little embarrassed!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 12:27am
Okay --- I'm hacked off -- I responded this morning and just realized that it never showed up --- SOOOooooo ---

Last night, yesterday --- all last week --- I was getting this feeling like I wanted to shut myself in the house and forget about living. Not a good thing. Well, I decided that my best defense against that was to just go and BE anywhere there were people living and breathing and doing what they do. The thing is I was TERRIFIED of it, and I convinced my friend - the friend that was the original subject of this post -- Jason --- to go with me. We didn't do much, went to a quiet little bar (is there such a thing?) that has some pool tables and an awesome juke box. We sat and talked, then we went for midnight breakfast. It was nice to just be out. To realize that life will continue and there are good things to be had. Jase and I had an awesome conversation. I just laid my cards out on the table, basically that I don't feel connected to anyone - and that I really don't want to be connected right now. That I feel just abandoned by "God", that I know I have the capacity to love again, but don't know that I'll ever be able to trust anyone with my heart again. I say I laid my cards out on the table, but really it was more the need to talk, to express, to feel, to hash it out with someone. And Jase is awesome about that. He's always loved digging into minds and hashing out the demons that people carry around.

All in all --- a very good night, and a very NEEDED kind of night.

As for what I'd feel like if my dog could type? Well, I'm sure he'd have plenty to say, and yeah --- I'd be real embarrassed by some of it, he'd be sure to tell that I sleep with my mouth open, snore sometimes and giggle in my sleep. Would he tell my deepest secrets? I like to think he wouldn't, after all, he is "man's best friend" and all that ---

So --- Here's my newest realization, I need to make some friends around here. Most of my friends live in different states. My best friend lived here until about a month ago, but her husband got transferred to Tyler, TX --- So I have Jase, my parents and some acquaintances, but I need a friend or two to hang out with and all that. Any ideas about how to go about finding that???? LOL -- I feel SO like the new kid in school.

Gina.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 11:32am
gina...

Pianoguy thinks you'll make LOTS OF FRIENDS here at ivillage. One of the nice things about the relationship boards is that so many people are willing to share their questions and answers...along with their joys and frustrations. If you want an honest answer...or need a little support...you'll probably find both here! (Just don't expect everybody to react the way you want them to because that'll NEVER happen!).

Almost everybody I know has experienced a bad marriage or some sort of breakup, and one of the 'missions' of these boards is to try to find a clue why things went sour?

Jase sounds pretty cool...especially if he STILL LOVES YOU after you've "laid your cards out on the table!" And even if your dog could use a typewriter, I'm sure he'd relate your snoring and giggling 'in a nice way?' :)

Pianoguy