Why am I being so stupid???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Why am I being so stupid???
5
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 12:06am
Ok so I just started dating this guy about a month ago. He is WONDERFUL! One of the nicest guys I have ever met. It's almost as if he's too good to be true (honestly).

Anyways, my last relationship which wasn't really a relationship at all...just a tangled web of non stop mind games and sex and abuse which lasted for five years ended about 3 months ago. BUT the thing is is that me and him just kinda stop talking and thats it. We never decided anything or talked or anything...We just haven't seen eachother in three months. i don't know its hard to explain.

Well, needless to say I do still have feelings for him. And last night I was out at the bar with my new boyfriend and the old one came in. So what did i do but end up getting really drunk and then do nothing but talk about him (the ex) the entire night to my one girlfriend. It got to the point where I started screaming obscenities at him. It was pretty bad. Then my new boyfriend had to drag me out of the bar and take me home.

So now...I don't know what to do because I feel like last night just proved that I do still have some serious issues and feelings relating back to my past relationship and I do not want to bring my new boyfriend into it. He's too nice for this. Still, I don't want to not be with him. I like him and want to continue to date him but I don't want to be selfish. I don't know what to do! Any advice for this poor confused soul?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 10:05am
star gazer...

You can't seem to "let go of the past and move forward", can you? And to be blunt...the last thing most men want to experience is the rantings and ravings of a drunken woman!

!

If you want to be treated decently...then extend the same courtesy to man you've begun to date. You OWE HIM that much!

Now..if you'd rather go backwards and be treated miserably by an EX who apparently didn't want to be with you...then you might as well get stinking drunk and behave just as badly as you did the other night? But remember one thing...please???

That 2nd choice will probably keep a lot of men away from you----except for the ones who think they might "score" by buying you a few more drinks?

Lots of men won't waste their time with a woman who ISN'T OVER AN EX! Why should we bother to love, support and spoil you...if your head is obsessed with the memory of somebody else?

It's much easier for us to find a woman who is READY for a serious relationship!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:43am
Pianoguy...

You are right...I can't seem to let go of the past. It was such a horrible experiance for me and I think that because of that, I feel that I don't deserve to be treated fairly anymore. That past relationship was all I ever knew to be of "love" or of a "relationship." And now, I have this wonderful guy with me, caring about me and I don't know how to handle it.

I want to forget about the past and move on so badly, with all my heart and I don't understand why I can't. I don't deserve to be treated the way i was treated by him. I DO deserve better but I constantly feel betrayed and misguided by my heart.

I really like this new guy but I'm so afraid I'm going to chase him away from me and I don't want that to happen. So thanks for your thoughts...especially your male opinion.

Many hugs...

~Star~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 4:27pm
You need to get out all the hurt and frustration from your past. Start keeping a journal and write down all the stuff that you are hurt about so you can start to move on. Tell yourself that once it's on paper, it's no longer in your head/ heart so you can get over it.

If that's too hard, I do suggest counselling.

But do be honest with your new boyfriend to be patient with you and apologize to him for your behaviour.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 12:27am

It's probably that you are trying to start a new relationship with a new guy

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 3:40pm
Honestly? You need to cut your new boyfriend loose while you figure this out. It's not fair to either one of you to ask him to remain in an unhealthy relationship. And this is a very unhealthy relationship. You are not able to give him 100% and you know it, and so does he. You're not allowed to ask him to hang around and wait for you while you work out your issues with your past relationships, i.e. not being able to let them go. If he is as wonderful a person as you say he is, then that's just more validation that this is the right thing to do. If he meets someone in the meantime, well, that's life -- it's a chance you need to take. But you can't take that opportunity away from him just because you want to be with him. Can't have both. I'm only being this honest and blunt because I was just in the same situation. I had to let a wonderful man go because I have some other issues that I know I need to work out before I can offer him the relationship he wants and deserves. If you love something, let it go... & all that.

Best of luck to you, whatever you decide to do...