why am I feeling this way
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| Mon, 08-15-2005 - 10:13pm |
It has been a long while since I posted online here. The year before last, I finally found a long term relationship with a SINGLE guy, but now the relationship is fizzling out and it is mostly my fault. Mainly, I kind of lost interest in the guy and now he realizes it and wants to break up with me, but now I dont want to break up with him.
It all started out in the fall of 2004. That summer I had worked at the local Renaissance Faire and had met a lot of new people and made some friends. After Faire season was over, I attended some Faire related parties and I met someone there who was also interest in Ren Faire stuff. I approached him and talked with him, and exchanged phone numbers. We then set up a date. We had fun on our first date and everything was uphill from there. He was one of the best guys I ever dated. He was always very considerate of me, kind to me, caring to me, etc. He was always there for me when I needed him and he put me first, something of which I had never experienced from anybody. He showered me with gifts and all that. At first I was bowled over by everything and I fell for him. Things were great. I spent most of my weekends with him and saw him one day during the week because he lived about two hours from me. I even took him to meet my parents (they live on the west coast, about a 4 hour plane ride from me). He was the most caring person I ever met.
Things were great for about a year and half. Then this spring, around Valentine's Day, we went away for the weekend, and I suddenly began to lose my feelings for him. I started to look at things critically about him. There are some negatives about him. For one thing, he doesnt know how to drive, he also lives at home and he is in his early 30's, he has overbearing parents who try to control his life, and even try to control me (He took me to his family reunion, but we were running late that day, and when we got there, his mom yelled at me and said I should have gotten him going so that he could get there on time), he also smokes and drinks a lot which, in the beginning, did not bother me, but now it is starting to bother me a lot, he has friends who act like kids and all they care about is playing computer games and being "losers", he has no ambition, and he has a dead end job working as a sales clerk. He doesnt fit around my friends or around stuff I like to do. He dosent like going out to shop, eat, etc. He hates yuppies and does his best to be unlike them. He dresses in weird ways, etc, and makes himself stand out in a crowd by being obnoixious and stuff like that. He likes to make himself stand out in a crowd but in a way that people look at him weird.
After that weekend, my feelings for him began to change and I began to find everything he did as something I hated, and I could not bear being around him, being over at his parents' house, or having him up by my place. I tried to sort out my feelings by pulling away from him, and then he began to pursue me, which made me feel good and needed, but I still didnt really want to spend that much time with him. I pretty much cut out about 80% of the time I spent with him. My whole thing was I was confused and kinda knew he wasnt the guy for me, but I could not bear to be the one to initiate the break-up.
The weird thing is, now he is getting the idea I may not like being around him anymore, and now he thinks we may not be right for each other, and he kinda wants to break up and still stay friends. But now, I DONT want to break up with him, and am afriad that he IS GOING to break up with me.
What gives? Why do I feel like this? I know he is NOT the right guy for me, but I cant bear to let him go!!!!

I remember your posts about this guy (and previous guys). You're afraid of him breaking up with you because you're afraid to be alone...your self-esteem is so poor that you are afraid no one else will want you.
All I can do is reiterate what I've suggested to you for years now...get into intensive counseling and work hard on yourself. Have you been going at all?
Sheri
Sheri,the odd thing about this whole thing is that we were in a relationship where he was actually telling people that I was his girlfriend, and his parents liked me a lot and wanted this to work out. He wanted this to work out and things were going fine for a while. I just lost interest in him and realized that we had too many differences to make it work out. I started the break-up process, unconsciously, because I stopped spending time with him. I started to ignore him and not go and visit him or let him visit me. Yet, I did not want to let go of him or break-up with him. I wanted him to do the dirty work of breaking up with me. Now, I think it has finally sunk into him that this isnt going to work out. He tried hard to make it work out with me, and he did. When I started pulling away, he really pursued me but I didnt really want him anymore. And yet, now when he is seriously considering breaking up with me, I really am NOT SURE if I want that to happen.
I am still in counseling, and my therapist says that I have a hard time dealing with letting go of things, that is why I cling to my old friends, this guy, etc. I just dont want to move on with my life. One thing my therapist has suggested I do, is try to go out and make friends so that I am not so dependant on guys to make me happy.
I'm very glad to hear that you've continued with counseling, and just from your writing on this post I can tell you've made progress...good for you! I hope you'll continue to work with your counselor on this issue so you can see clearly that it's not HIM you're worried about losing, but rather you're afraid to not have *someone* in your life.
Good luck, I hope you get to that point soon.
Sheri
does a guy become more attractive to you when he leaves u? when he is always there, a girl can take him for granted. i have seen that happen. even with guys! two different experiences from two different points in my life come to mind.
this guy had a girl in another country who he liked and who liked him. they were not dating. he moved to study abroad and met me. i fell hard for him. we went out for almost 3 years. in the end, he still chose this other girl who was distant and NEVER kept in touch with him either. and there i was, doing everything for him, taking care of him, wanting to marry him, and i had zero value. this other girl never wrote even one letter to him all those 3 years! what was that about? well, i guess his respect and regard was high for the girl who was apart and busy with her life.
another example: a guy pursued me madly. i said yes against my own wishes, and agreed to go out with him half-heartedly. all those 2-3 years, i felt like he wasn't the one and i felt pressured. all i did was feel miserable. he ofcourse sensed it. after a period of time, he realized HE wasnt the one for me,(becoz he saw i was always sad and mad) and he decided to break up with me. it was during THIS time that i felt like i truly LOVED him and did not want him to go! oddd isn't it. perhaps, i really felt the emotions, but how come it only came in when i saw him turning his back?
well, atleast he wants to stick around and be your friend.
so you have time to see how things go.
but if know it in ur heart and your mind that he is not IT, then u have to let go.