Why can't he say "I love you"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Why can't he say "I love you"
11
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 8:30pm
Hello all,

I really don't know where to find answers anymore, I have been dating this wonderful guy, smart as they come, generous, fun, etc. We spend a lot of time together and get along very well, he has introduced to his family and friends and has done several nice things for me. We've done everything you think a perfect couple can do, however it's been a year and half since we started dating, a year that became exclusive and he has not tell me he loves me yet. Actually he did say it once last november after two weeks of being apart, but when I asked what he say, just to hear it again, he would not say it again, he muttered something else, but believe me I know what I heard.

Anyway sometime after that incident I told him I loved him, expecting a "I love you" in return (what an idiot, what was I thinking!! I know), but got a hugh in return, what does that mean?? Any guys out there?? After that I said it 2 or 3 more times, what did I hear back? the firt time: "I like spending time with you". (Are you laughing at me yet?) and the last time was about 3 weeks ago we had been working very hard in a project, and were stressed and fustrated, I just hughed him and said I love you, and well yeah, he said I love you too, but I just stood there and said nothing, what was wrong there? I guess I did not consider that statement valid under those circumstances.

Anyway a few days ago I asked him what did he feel for me, he said he obviously had feelings for me, and that he had showed me how much he cared by spending so much time with me, introducing me to his family and friends, helping me on that big project, taking me to trips, etc. He also said that he knew he wasn't good at expressing his feelings verbally but that I should be able to make assumptions based on these actions. Can you please share some thoughts

Thanks


Edited 5/24/2004 8:42 pm ET ET by andean_angel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 9:14pm
andean angel...

If you are EXCLUSIVE and the man has put you above all the other woman in his life...do you HONESTLY need to hear the words: "I LOVE YOU?" I realize this is what most women would like, but there are a few men who have a difficult time expressing this sentiment. This DOESN'T mean the feeling ISN'T there!

Some men don't feel comfortable uttering "emotional terms of endearment"---and it sounds like your b/f is one of 'em! He has already indicated that he has difficulty in expressing his feelings, but if he couldn't stand you...he wouldn't bother dating you, right?

As yourself an honest question:

Wouldn't you rather be with a man who expresses his feelings by doing nice things for you, as opposed to being with someone who is constantly complaining about the way you dress...talk...do your hair...etc? Some men badger their women to death!

Please try to remember that just because we might not say the words you'd like us to...DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T (OR DON'T) HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR YOU.

It's just not easy for every man to express them.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:48am
I agree...there are a lot of men out there that are not able to express their emotions - especially when it comes to matters of the heart. My b-friend and I have been together for almost 6 months now and I just told him that I love him. My b-friend hasn't told me that yet. I was kind of waiting for him to say it - because I have never said it to anyone, so it was kind of a big step for me. We just recently talked about this and he brought it up. It's not that he doesn't care for me - he said he does a lot. He is scared because I am not like the other woman he has dated. I cook dinner for him, let him sleep when he is tired (not always looking for sex), and genuinely care and worry about him. I told him that I said I love you to him because that is the way I felt - I am not looking for him to say it back because I know he cares. He said that he has not said that to anyone since his first girlfriend (who basically tore his heart out - 12 years ago.)

If you really need him to say it then you and your guy need to sit down and talk things out. Otherwise, I think what he says now and the things that he does are good enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:01pm
Well, I must say I agree with you. I guess I have to make the assumption that he loves me and just enjoy our relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:13pm

Hello andean_angel!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 2:14pm
What do his actions say? Because you dont want to "assume" a guy loves you but if his actions all support the theory that he loves you, take it to heart. If you really have a NEED to hear the words, tell him.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 3:07pm
Have you heard of the "5 languages of love"? Everyone's love tank is filled up by different things. If your love languages dont' match, you may need to adjust for a r/ship to really "work"...

I express love with quality time. Thats not hanging out on the couch watching a video. Thats not connecting. Its hiking up to the top of a mountain and having a picnic in front of this awe inspiring view. If I want to spend time with him over all my other activities and interests, he must know I love him! Not the case...bc my bf expresses love thru words of affirmation. He wants to hear "I love you"...he wants me to say, "this scenery is so much more special with you here"...etc. His love languages is positive feedback. So I have to make sure I TELL him when I am spending time with him how that makes me FEEL. Something I am not used to doing...and he has to remember that when he's going golfing, I want to come! If I don't get an invite, I'm going to start questioning his "love" for me...regardless of how many "I love you"s I get.

And sometimes it just won't work...I dated a guy who's language was physical touch and we just didn't get along. Brushing over my arm while I'm trying to hike was annoying. I just couldn't give him what he wanted and he was more interested in computers and single activities.

The author of the book is Gary Chapman, I'm sure if you "google" it you can find many articles and information.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 3:29pm
Those are GREAT thoughts!! Thank you so much for sharing them!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 11:06pm
Well that is the point, we spend a lot of time together, have a good time, experience new things and at the end of the day all I hear is "I had a good time,thanks" Or if we just visited with his family and/or friends he thanks me for coming along and being gracious, but he never says if my company meant something to him. I understand that he may have difficulty expressing his feelings verbally, but can someone really live the rest of his life that way? When I said I loved him I really meant it, because I do love him, I don't think I was really expecting to hear the same thing, and if I did, that wasn't the solely reason I said it.

According to him a have a big problem accepting responsability or admiting I'm wrong, he knows that about me and I know it, however he doesn't have a problem expressing that. And by the way two days ago we had an argument where I went out of line royally, for no reason at all, I knew right then I was overreacting, but didn't say a word, he calmed me down and try to have a good time for the rest of the day. Yesterday I couldn't go on with my day thinking about my behavior, what did I do? I called him and apologized; he was suprised by it because of course he did not expect that from me, but he didn't mind telling me how much he appreciated the gesture since he knows how difficult is for me to accept I'm wrong.

I did it because I care about him and about our relatinship, and that is exactly what I told him. So what if you have an issue in doing something, let it be expressing yourself, acknowledging you're wrong, etc. aren't you supposed to get over that when you love someone and try a little harder??
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 2:55pm
Thanks for the book recommendation, it opened my eyes and I understand now what his love language is, now he will have to read it in order to understand that my love language is love of affirmation, I just don't know how to suggested to him though. I was thinking I could perhaps leave it on my night stand when he comes over so he sees it?? or should I just tell him what I found in the book and ask him to read it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 06-10-2004 - 4:07pm
I think just leaving it hanging around is a passive move. Its not clear communication. Be clear! Tell him that sometimes you don't quite feel like you are communicating in the same language...and reading the book made you realize that. Why would he have a problem with that? Its a pretty quick read ;-)

BTW, your bf sounds just like me, LOL. I have said the "I had a great time tonight" line just as we are falling asleep in bed. My bf usually says, "is that all? Thats not the way I want to end this fantastic night!"...and then he leans over me, kisses me and says, "I love you. Good night." I usually say "I love you too" bc I know its expected of me (*a little overkill to say it every night in MY opinion). He says "I love you, good bye" on the phone too. When I am at work or in a group of ppl, I won't say it back. Its just too much cheese for me to digest. He has also commented on the fact that I rarely use his name...I have yet to say ILY with his name. He says he is not worried but it is odd (then why point it out? obviously it is some kind of issue).

I think when you love someone, you DO make an effort. But I think apologizing for an action and asking someone to change how they express themselves is a *little* different. I don't know if I have ever initiated the "ILY" and to be honest, I don't care. Why should that MATTER? When I love, respect and cherish him. And I meet him partway by responding to it when its said...?

Go.

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