Why can't he say "I love you"
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Why can't he say "I love you"
| Mon, 05-24-2004 - 8:30pm |
Hello all,
I really don't know where to find answers anymore, I have been dating this wonderful guy, smart as they come, generous, fun, etc. We spend a lot of time together and get along very well, he has introduced to his family and friends and has done several nice things for me. We've done everything you think a perfect couple can do, however it's been a year and half since we started dating, a year that became exclusive and he has not tell me he loves me yet. Actually he did say it once last november after two weeks of being apart, but when I asked what he say, just to hear it again, he would not say it again, he muttered something else, but believe me I know what I heard.
Anyway sometime after that incident I told him I loved him, expecting a "I love you" in return (what an idiot, what was I thinking!! I know), but got a hugh in return, what does that mean?? Any guys out there?? After that I said it 2 or 3 more times, what did I hear back? the firt time: "I like spending time with you". (Are you laughing at me yet?) and the last time was about 3 weeks ago we had been working very hard in a project, and were stressed and fustrated, I just hughed him and said I love you, and well yeah, he said I love you too, but I just stood there and said nothing, what was wrong there? I guess I did not consider that statement valid under those circumstances.
Anyway a few days ago I asked him what did he feel for me, he said he obviously had feelings for me, and that he had showed me how much he cared by spending so much time with me, introducing me to his family and friends, helping me on that big project, taking me to trips, etc. He also said that he knew he wasn't good at expressing his feelings verbally but that I should be able to make assumptions based on these actions. Can you please share some thoughts
Thanks
Edited 5/24/2004 8:42 pm ET ET by andean_angel
I really don't know where to find answers anymore, I have been dating this wonderful guy, smart as they come, generous, fun, etc. We spend a lot of time together and get along very well, he has introduced to his family and friends and has done several nice things for me. We've done everything you think a perfect couple can do, however it's been a year and half since we started dating, a year that became exclusive and he has not tell me he loves me yet. Actually he did say it once last november after two weeks of being apart, but when I asked what he say, just to hear it again, he would not say it again, he muttered something else, but believe me I know what I heard.
Anyway sometime after that incident I told him I loved him, expecting a "I love you" in return (what an idiot, what was I thinking!! I know), but got a hugh in return, what does that mean?? Any guys out there?? After that I said it 2 or 3 more times, what did I hear back? the firt time: "I like spending time with you". (Are you laughing at me yet?) and the last time was about 3 weeks ago we had been working very hard in a project, and were stressed and fustrated, I just hughed him and said I love you, and well yeah, he said I love you too, but I just stood there and said nothing, what was wrong there? I guess I did not consider that statement valid under those circumstances.
Anyway a few days ago I asked him what did he feel for me, he said he obviously had feelings for me, and that he had showed me how much he cared by spending so much time with me, introducing me to his family and friends, helping me on that big project, taking me to trips, etc. He also said that he knew he wasn't good at expressing his feelings verbally but that I should be able to make assumptions based on these actions. Can you please share some thoughts
Thanks
Edited 5/24/2004 8:42 pm ET ET by andean_angel

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If you are EXCLUSIVE and the man has put you above all the other woman in his life...do you HONESTLY need to hear the words: "I LOVE YOU?" I realize this is what most women would like, but there are a few men who have a difficult time expressing this sentiment. This DOESN'T mean the feeling ISN'T there!
Some men don't feel comfortable uttering "emotional terms of endearment"---and it sounds like your b/f is one of 'em! He has already indicated that he has difficulty in expressing his feelings, but if he couldn't stand you...he wouldn't bother dating you, right?
As yourself an honest question:
Wouldn't you rather be with a man who expresses his feelings by doing nice things for you, as opposed to being with someone who is constantly complaining about the way you dress...talk...do your hair...etc? Some men badger their women to death!
Please try to remember that just because we might not say the words you'd like us to...DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T (OR DON'T) HAVE STRONG FEELINGS FOR YOU.
It's just not easy for every man to express them.
Pianoguy
If you really need him to say it then you and your guy need to sit down and talk things out. Otherwise, I think what he says now and the things that he does are good enough.
I express love with quality time. Thats not hanging out on the couch watching a video. Thats not connecting. Its hiking up to the top of a mountain and having a picnic in front of this awe inspiring view. If I want to spend time with him over all my other activities and interests, he must know I love him! Not the case...bc my bf expresses love thru words of affirmation. He wants to hear "I love you"...he wants me to say, "this scenery is so much more special with you here"...etc. His love languages is positive feedback. So I have to make sure I TELL him when I am spending time with him how that makes me FEEL. Something I am not used to doing...and he has to remember that when he's going golfing, I want to come! If I don't get an invite, I'm going to start questioning his "love" for me...regardless of how many "I love you"s I get.
And sometimes it just won't work...I dated a guy who's language was physical touch and we just didn't get along. Brushing over my arm while I'm trying to hike was annoying. I just couldn't give him what he wanted and he was more interested in computers and single activities.
The author of the book is Gary Chapman, I'm sure if you "google" it you can find many articles and information.
Good luck!
According to him a have a big problem accepting responsability or admiting I'm wrong, he knows that about me and I know it, however he doesn't have a problem expressing that. And by the way two days ago we had an argument where I went out of line royally, for no reason at all, I knew right then I was overreacting, but didn't say a word, he calmed me down and try to have a good time for the rest of the day. Yesterday I couldn't go on with my day thinking about my behavior, what did I do? I called him and apologized; he was suprised by it because of course he did not expect that from me, but he didn't mind telling me how much he appreciated the gesture since he knows how difficult is for me to accept I'm wrong.
I did it because I care about him and about our relatinship, and that is exactly what I told him. So what if you have an issue in doing something, let it be expressing yourself, acknowledging you're wrong, etc. aren't you supposed to get over that when you love someone and try a little harder??
BTW, your bf sounds just like me, LOL. I have said the "I had a great time tonight" line just as we are falling asleep in bed. My bf usually says, "is that all? Thats not the way I want to end this fantastic night!"...and then he leans over me, kisses me and says, "I love you. Good night." I usually say "I love you too" bc I know its expected of me (*a little overkill to say it every night in MY opinion). He says "I love you, good bye" on the phone too. When I am at work or in a group of ppl, I won't say it back. Its just too much cheese for me to digest. He has also commented on the fact that I rarely use his name...I have yet to say ILY with his name. He says he is not worried but it is odd (then why point it out? obviously it is some kind of issue).
I think when you love someone, you DO make an effort. But I think apologizing for an action and asking someone to change how they express themselves is a *little* different. I don't know if I have ever initiated the "ILY" and to be honest, I don't care. Why should that MATTER? When I love, respect and cherish him. And I meet him partway by responding to it when its said...?
Go.
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