Why can't I move on??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Why can't I move on??
6
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 11:42am

I ended a 1 1/2 years on/off relationship i had with this guy in july. emotionally, i was done with him from may but physically, i ended it in july. this guy (i met him online) has everything i wanted. his make-up what was i was looking for (university educated, worldly, had a job, cute, etc) and i felt blessed to find him but his personality was brual.
he verbally abused me frequently when he got upset about anything, he took all of his anger out on me, he emotionally manipulated me and blackmailed me, he always needed to have the upper hand in all situations and belittle me constantly, he would make plans, then cancel them the same day and not make other plans and when i wanted to make plans, he was too busy, he only wanted to talk online yet meet up in person for sex, yet told me he liked me a lot and wanted us to be togeter in the future, he has excuses for EVERYTHING!!!....the list goes on and on and on..

i, the idiot i was, always told myself that he will change and the good times are coming yet he never did and i had enough of it when he told me that i had to tell him everything i did on the vacation i was going to and if i did anything with anyone (and i did not), he would never talk to me again..do note, he never officially considered us a couple, yet became possessive as if i was his wife.

it's been 3 months now and i still cannot get over how much he hurt me. i think about what could have been between us, ad he not been a jerk, i think about how cruel he treated me and i think about how much anger i have towards him. sometimes i think i want him back, other times i think i want to beat him up or have some girl hurt him 100 times more than he hurt me and i want him to suffer badly, but mostly i just want to put him behind me and move on. he's scarred me so much, i have never been treated like that the way he treated me, no man nor beast should be treated like that....it's something heartless only the devil himself can pull off.

how can i move on? i want to confront him so much but that won't do anything..mostly i want to erase him from my life. I'm currently single and haven't been associated with guy since him.

i'm still young (21) and this is casting a dark cloud over my head and i don't want things to be like this forever.

thank you
nkyerema

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 10:07am
bump
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 2:55pm

Hon, your year and a half with that guy sounds so horrible that I can't imagine why you would consider going back to that. There could never have been anything between you but disappointment and pain, because he IS a jerk. It is truly healthier and more comfortable to have NO relationship than to be with someone who mistreats you.

You're actually hung up on a fantasy. You think about what this man represented (the good looks, the education, the job, the sophistication). But great credentials go out the window when a person is mean, unreliable, controlling, neglectful and uses you for sex.

We have all been involved with jerks at one time or another. It doesn't have to scar you for life. Your best revenge will be the day you realize you have stopped caring one iota about him. As someone told me recently, the opposite of love isn't hate. It's INDIFFERENCE.

You will get there. You're young and you have a lot of experiences with men to look forward to. Personally, I think one of the fastest ways to get over someone is to become interested in someone else. I'm not saying sleep around or immediately try to fall in love. Just the opposite.. you should just relax and just date, with no expectations.

If you're not ready to date, spend lots of time with your friends and family. Join a club... volunteer. The idea is to keep yourself occupied with people and things you enjoy. With each passing day that you're busy and happy you'll find you are thinking of that creep less and less.

And, of course, these boards are here for you to vent. Come back to Dating Doyenne anytime, and also try the "Breaking up is Hard to Do" board.

Take care, and be grateful it's OVER.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 7:06pm

You are absolutely right and I'm trying to do that. I know i'm much better than him but i guess it just takes some confirmation of that to make me realize that i am.

thank you very much for your advice. i really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 7:04pm
I just want to let you know I've experienced what you're going thru. It is a very painful experience. Sometimes I think it can affect someone later on. He is what you call a narcisist. You should look up this term to get a better idea of narcisistic behaviour. It takes a long time to get over someone like this, someone who has treated you horribly. I think the best thing for you to do is to take a break from dating/relationships until you are completely over this guy, and to give yourself time to mentally heal. It takes time but you will get over him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:43pm

An ex boyfriend of mine told me something that has always stuck with me:

"Men fall in love with what they see, and women fall in love with what could be".

I won't credit my ex with that quote, I just don't recall who said it ;)

I see some of your emotions in this saying.

Maybe you could write him a letter-doesn't matter whether or not you send it to him. I did that to get over a guy once- 4 pages worth, then burned it and flushed it down the toilet.

I would say, yes, give yourself some time. You deserve to have a wonderful relationship with a guy who will treat you like gold and if you rush into a new relationship before you have had time to heal from this one, the next one could suffer.

I'd say do some journaling, maybe write this guy a letter and send it to him or NOT, whatever you're comfortable with-and if you still can't seem to move past this by close to the end of the year or sooner, you may want to try a counselor.

Take care ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 12:49pm

I'm with Reggie. He's a narcissist and a mean person. He will probably never be able to love anyone.

I spent a year and a half with a narcissist, even moved in with him, and he was cheating and verbally abusing me. That was 5 years ago, and it took me some time to get over him. It is hard because they spin you into their world, then they start mistreating you and you end up confused and depressed. I remember one day driving home from getting my hair done (which I love to do) and crying. I thought, ok, if this loser is making me cry after doing something that makes me feel good, then I gotta get outta this! I didn't though, until I found out about his extensive cheating. Then I kicked him out and closed the door.

It took me some serious time to get over the whole thing, but I'm healed now. I read tons of books. And I journaled. And I had absolutely no contact with him ever again (I moved 4 states away). He kept trying to contact me, but I was done with the game, season over, bub bye.

Go to the library and see what might help to read. There's lots of stuff out there. You will heal, but don't question yourself. As long as you are seeking healing and forgiveness (for you, not him), then you will be fine. Just keep seeking and don't beat yourself up for the time you need. You are worth it!

Keep us posted!

Chick