why cant i relax & just trust him?
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| Mon, 11-26-2007 - 6:06am |
hi my favorite board. here i am, back for your precious advice...
over a month ago i met on a dating site a great guy- sweet, funny, smart, cool, relaxed, genuinly interested in me. he is 35, been a year since he broke up after 4yrs relationship. the reason was that they finally moved in together and saw how different they are..
it took me a month though to finally accept a date - only when i saw that he stays always in touch, that he really wants to get to know me, etc, etc. i said "why not?". we met and in person i totally liked him - besides his personality that i already thought was great, i loved his appearance (didnt like him on a picture before). we had 3 dates in 2 weeks. each time i liked him more and more. wa talked, shared our views, experiences, knowledge - i gave him a drawing lesson while he explained me the basics of photographie....
last week he was on a business trip so we didnt meet. and in a week he is leaving with his friend for a month long vacation...
and i stress now...so silly. i stress that he doesnt call me or write me daily since a week. coz its been 3 days since we last talked. coz in a week he will be gone without any (?)

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I know what you are getting at here - BUT there is a HUGE difference in 'not showing that you need attention' and actually 'not needing' it from a man.
When (general) you are secure in who you are and what you offer, then you are also ok with the natural flow of getting to know someone, you communicate what you want in your life openly and honestly, and you let him know what your boundaries are and when they've been crossed. You don't worry about 'appearing' needy or 'scaring' someone off becuase you are being genuine and well balanced with your emotions. Your feelings/moods do not change with his attention or interest and your focus on him is healthy - not your reason for breathing every day.
Far too many women who are otherwise 'together' get really stupid with men - they go straight for instant relationships - and any remotely sane man WILL run and run fast. 'acting' cool when you are really a bundle of nerves inside is also easy for men to see - they might not know what it is that is wrong - but they can sense the incongruence in you - and will not want to be around you very much.
Work on your confidence and build the love and acceptance in yourself that you want a man to fill. THAT is when you ARE anything but needy.
Toni
Toni
ok, i wrote him a one line email and within seconds received this :
"Thanks,
i agree yes and no. when you fall in love, like that - without even really truly knowing the person- its a bit natural to want to see him, be excited, expect phonecalls, attention. reminds me the schooltimes :) i am not someone who easy falls for someone but when i fall i fall hard. which is no good i agree. i expect right away lots of attention and want things go fast. i get disappointed when i do not see it from the guy's side.
Most of my relationships were the result of a slow 'get to know u' experience. When at the start i either didnt care, or was not really attracted but the guy won me over. Those relationships were strong and happy pretty much.
The times when i fell in love 'at first glace' it hardly ever worked out. Just once- but ended with a huge crash in 3 months coz the guy felt overwhelmed. sad :) made me cry my eyes out but was also a good learning for me. so i agree that i need to take a deep breath and stay cool, not letting myself get deeper into emotions. i really like this guy and would want it to work out. coz no one else so far impressed me that much...so....
gosh, why is it so complicated? :)
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This isn't 'love' - its infatuation and no, it doesn't last.
Toni
"I know what you are getting at here - BUT there is a HUGE difference in 'not showing that you need attention' and actually 'not needing' it from a man."
Very true.
:) i see your point. the attention is "nice to have" but not my "need to survive". so what to do? not to expect anything? not to allow self to get carried away until i see solid moves? to date others but keep him on radar?
im confused...
well, if you have a pattern of pouring all your energy into a man you like, then it would be smart to figure out why? what is it that you hope to achieve in doing so? Does it work for you - do you like yourself when you do it? (I would think its not working and you aren't happy with your behavior or you wouldn't have posted!)
I read somewhere (I forget where) about keeping 3 people in your dating rotation at all times until you find someone and you both agree to be exclusive - 1 is the guy you like and enjoy most, another is someone you like and has potential but maybe not as sure about and the 3rd guy is one that you think you'd like to know
Toni
Excellent advice. Especially the one with the "rotating the 3 guys". its true that i tend to obsess over one guy and the thought "does he like me" over "is he the right one for me". like since i met this guy i stopped giving a chance to the others and going out with them.
so i understand that even if u think that someone is not really what u need (i think im pretty clear on what im looking for), i should still spend time with him and think "why not" or just have a fun date with no committment? i guess the trick here is to manage the expectations and not to make any promises to anyone yet not to push people away either. a social butterfly :)
will check out the books.
i guess the last question in my head is - Where is the borderline between "slowly building a relationship" and "he is not into you so move on". Like our
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I do not advocate dating someone you know is not what you're looking for because there is nothing better to do (no better options to date) or to just 'have fun' unless you truly are just looking to date casually. Part-time BFs take up just as much of your time and energy as full time BFs can - BUT they don't meet your needs AND keep you distracted from meeting someone who is a better fit.
Toni
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