Why can't I walk away?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Why can't I walk away?!
5
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 3:00pm
Boy, am I confused? I started dating this guy about 5 months ago. At first, we both said that we didn't want a serious relationship and I truly did not think I would feel that way about him. Was I ever wrong! We live several hours apart, but we each took time to visit one another, he would call me almost every day, neither of us saw anyone else, and still aren't. Then he invited me to go away with him on a trip and then didn't call for a week. When I did talk to him, he said that he did not want a relationship right now and he was afraid that the more time we spent together that it would lead to that and he would just upset me more because he would be trying to get out of it. He said "its not you its me" which I called him out on. He said he REALLY liked me and enjoyed the time he spent with me but just didn't want anything serious. Since then, we have seen each other twice and talk about once a week. Here is my dilemma...I can't get over him, I can't get myself to move on. I am crazy about him and I have definitely never felt like this for someone before. In the looks department, he is not what I would have thought I would be attracted to, but I am more so than anyone I have ever dated. I feel like if I play it cool that eventually he'll come around. When he drove up to visit the other day, as soon as he walked in the house he came straight over to me to give me a kiss and then sat beside me holding my hand. My best friend was there and she thought it was strange for someone who wants to be so detached to be so forward and affectionate. I am a mature, professional late 20 something who feels like she is losing her mind over this. Am I being silly waiting to see if he'll come around? Sorry this is so long for whomever is reading this, but I just need to get it off my chest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 6:12pm
You're not being silly because you are getting mixed messages. But you need to listen to his words not his actions. He likes "BEING" with you so when he sees you, of course he's going to be affectionate and so on. Also, he probably would like to keep you hanging around for a casual relationship or FWB. If you are looking for a serious relationship, you are not going to find it with this guy anytime soon - he has told you as much. If you stay hoping things will get better, you will get only more emotionally attached and even more hurt down the line when he continues to tell you that he doesn't want to be with you. You deserve better than this. Move on with your life and date other people. You may find the one you're looking for - right now by holding out hope that this schmuck will get his stuff together, you are keeping yourself from finding what you deserve. If you haven't found a great guy and this one decides someday he is ready for a relationship with YOU, you can decide then if it's worth it.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 11:48am

Hello jennster16829...

Pianoguy really enjoyed reading your post. Simply because it points out the differences between a man and a woman.

Most women have a tendency to "become emotionally involved" once they've been with someone. The time frame can vary from a few months to a few years. Even though the original plan was to keep things 'casual and non-commital'---I think it's tougher for a lot of women to continue with this sort of arrangement?

A man, on the other hand, has to be slightly more careful HOW MUCH EMOTION HE EXPRESSES AND EXHIBITS TOWARD A WOMAN. Especially if the original arrangement was FWB or no commitment at all! Let's be honest. The moment a man utters the words: "I LOVE YOU"---making an attempt to try and retract them at a later date...IS IMPOSSIBLE!

WHY???

Because a woman will NEVER let us forget that we've said them!

And the moment we hit a woman with the phrases: "I think we need to spend time apart", "Things aren't working out", "I'm not right for you", or the ever-popular: "We agreed not to get serious when we began"---SHE'LL BLOW HER TOP!

Personally, I can see why any of these excuses WOULD 'tick a woman off'----but consider the following:

I think there are some men who can have (and express their) affectionate feelings for a special lady, BUT...not to the level where they want to become totally committed or completely exclusive toward her! . "Exclusivity" has to be mutual....not just with one partner.

ANYWAY...

I guess you have 2 options?

1. Continue to wait and hope this man will eventually "come around?" Or
2. Move forward with your life with the anticipation that "a better, more sincere man" will eventually become a part of your future?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 12:09pm
First, let me say the I love you's were never exchanged and I was actually pretty cool when he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I was pretty happy with the way things were. He said he didn't want a relationship b/c he had been in a constant string of them and wanted a break from them. I also know for a fact that he is not seeing/sleeping with anyone else. From a man's point of view, if I play it cool and wait, do you think the chance exists for him to eventually want something more or was that his way of saying I don't want a relationship with YOU. He tells me all the time that no one has ever affected him before like I do. Is he just scared?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 12:45pm
As I said, take him at his words. He might be scared, but who cares? If he was really into you and really wanted to be with you and was emotionally available to be with you, even his fear wouldn't keep him away. He'd be able to get past it and want a relationship with you. Why are you sitting around waiting for if/when he gets it together?? If you are OK with things the way they are, accept it for what it is and don't expect that he'll eventually come around. He might, but don't count on it. If you want more from him or from a relationship, get out of this one because very likely, it won't happen.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-02-2006 - 1:07pm

You're not being silly. You have feelings. He's definitely giving you mixed messages and it sounds like he's plenty confused himself. But it's not fair to jerk you around. He says he doesn't want a relationship and he doesn[t want to work on why he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want one.


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