why did I do what I did?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
why did I do what I did?
3
Thu, 06-24-2004 - 7:56pm
I havent posted on here in a long while. I am still seeing/dating the guy who lives at home and has a retail job. Our dating has gotten more serious and we have gone out to LA to see my parents. He was very happy to go out there with me since he had not been on a trip/vacation in over 10 years since he was never able to afford it. He still acts like a teenager, dresses like a teenager, etc. My parents were ok with him except for two things. They dont like the way he dresses and they dont like the fact that he smokes, especially since I have asthma.

I see my boyfriend mostly on the weekends since he lives about two hours from me and he doesnt drive at all. Lately, I am getting to the point that I want to see him sometimes on the weekdays too and also I need to have someone close to me since my health is not doing well at all. My neck and back problems are slowly getting worse and my hands are stiff and numb all the time. The doctors still dont know what is wrong with me. I do have two friends that live close to me. They are two gay guys, one of which I dated in my past and am still close to. My bf has met them once or twice. I still have a strong bond with one of the gay guys. Before I met my current bf, my life revolved around these two gay guys since they were both my emotional and physical support, in that I spent most of my time with them on the weekends, traveling with them, hanging out, etc. I had hoped that after I found my bf, I could have them do stuff with my bf and I. That has not turned out real well. Apparently, my two gay friends think my bf is a loser since he has a crap job, no money, lives at home, and has no college education. My bf has tried to do things with them but they refuse to.

In the last few weeks, I have been talking to my bf about moving closer to him so I could see him more. This time he seems more open to the idea since he and I have gotten a lot closer in the last few months. He really loves me and I know that for a fact. He also tolerates the fact that I keep my two gay friends in my life, one of whom is an ex of mines. I talk to my gay ex on the phone a lot, even when I am out with my bf, and my bf is ok with that. My bf wants so much to be accepted by my two gay friends. I wish they would accept him. My bf and I have talked about me moving down closer to him so we could see each other more. Only problem is it would lengthen my drive to work from 15 minutes to a little over an hour, and the rents would be higher close to him. I want to move down there closer to him, but I want to make sure he is really worth it, so I decided to try out a tactic. I decided to let him into my life a bit more and tell him what my two gay friends think of him and about the fact that they are not at all happy I want to move away from them. I told my bf about how they treat me and that I am always expected to be there for them, etc. Yes, I do help out my two gay friends by being their sidekick and doing stuff for them to keep the peace in their relationship. My bf was horrified about how they treat me and he was surprised about why I kept them as friends. I told him that they are all I have out here since my family lives out in LA and I dont have many friends left out here. Now I have gotten my bf not to like them, which was not what I wanted since he is the type to go up to people's faces and tell them how he feels about them. One thing I have found out is that my bf is really into me and he tells me how much he will be there for me and will be my support even when my medical problems get worse, and I think they will since they have gotten worse since Jan when this all started.

I dont know why I did what I did, since now I have to be careful since my bf wants to rescue me from my friendship with my two gay friends. I dont want to give up my two gay friends either. I only told my bf this because I wanted to see if he really was willing to have me move closer to me and would that bring us closer or not.

I guess I dont know why I did what I did. I am scared about my life right now, especially my health considering the doctors dont really know what is wrong with me. All I know is that my back problems are getting worse and my hands are getting worse in that they are numb, tingly and arthritic ALL THE TIME. I just want to have someone be there for me. I love my bf a lot but I also have strong feelings for my gay ex who treats me like dirt. My bf wants to be there for me and help me out but I am so afraid to trust in that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 1:03am
Hi, I'm sorry about your health problems, I wish you luck in figuring out what the problem is...and getting better too.

How did you expect your telling im that would let you know if he really liked you? I think that, if anything, him showing concern for the fact that your friends don't treat you well was a good sign that he cares about you.

In my opinion, you should try to distance yourself, emotionally and physically, from the two men who treat you badly, whether or not you decide to move closer to your bf. Would it be possible for your beau to move closer to you, or perhaps in wih you? I'm hesitante to give you a definate answer on what you should do, just because I don't know your guy. Just trust your instincts, go with what feels right, and GOOD LUCK!

~Dizzy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 3:08am
It's hard to reply when you don't know the whole story, but I'll tell you what I think. I think that moving closer to your boyfriend, just to be closer is a bad idea. If you were moving into a better situation, then I could understand it, but since you aren't I think it is a mistake. Besides, since your health is failing, moving farther away from work, into a more expensive place isn't good sense, no matter how you look at it. I understand wanting to be closer to someone you care about, but it must be for the right reasons.

As for the ex who treats you like dirt, and telling your boyfriend, I have an opinion but you may not like it, and I do not mean it to be rude or offensive, it is just my opinion. It sounds like you want attention, regardless of whether it is positive or negative. Maybe that is why you told your boyfriend what you did, and continue to let your ex treat you badly. I think your boyfriend may be correct in his dislike for your other friends. Real friends would tell you what they think, but still try to include someone you care about. It doesn't seem like your friends are doing that.

Regardless of whether you know anyone in the area or not, you are a mirror of who you hang out with. If your two guy friends are just using you and expect things from you without returning the favor, you don't need them. You can find other friends. Perhaps you should distance yourself from them a bit. If they can't be happy for you, YOU DONT NEED THEM. It sounds like your boyfriend is at least trying to include them, and is begrudgingly accepting of them. He's a keeper regardless of income, housing, or education.

My advice would be to sit back and really think about your boyfriend and your other friends. Both groups may not be around forever so perhaps you should focus on yourself and then decide what to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Fri, 06-25-2004 - 7:04am
I agree, especially w/the first part of your post.
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