Why do bad things happen to good girls?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Why do bad things happen to good girls?
4
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:56pm
I am a good girl that CONSTANTLY dates bad boys so I can change them. Well, I have been dating a "bad boy" for about 2.5 years. Since I am determined to save myself for marraige, it has been hard for me to get over his past filled with one-night stands, cheating, etc. before he met me. I have decided to put everything in the past that he had done. We broke up after about 7 months of being together because I wasn't sure if he really loved me like he told me he did. He dated a girl that is now dating his best friend while broken up with me for about 2 months, and I was fine with it because he assured me that he wasn't in it for long term. While they were together, my boyfriend and I kept in contact and said we loved eachother on the phone. He broke it off with her when I came back for the summer and told me that he didn't want anyone but me. I told myself that the only way I would get back together with him would be if he hadn't slept with her because it would just break my heart that he hadn't changed his ideas about sex. He promised me that he didn't sleep with her. So the relationship went on.

He loves me very, very much and would never cheat on me; however, he confessed just the other night that they slept together while we were broken up. I can't forgive him for lying to me, and it hurts me that I have to see her all the time and never knew the truth. She did something with him that I thought he would be saving for me. I don't think I can ever get over it, and don't think it is worth getting over if he can't change his ways except when I am there watching. He sent me roses yesterday to try to apologize, but there is really nothing he can do. My heart is broken and to think about them makes me want to throw up. How can I break up with someone who is thinking he is going to marry me? Or better yet, how can I find a good boy instead of these bad boys?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:31pm
I'm so sorry for your broken heart! I know is very hard to get over your boyfriend's past. However there's a possibility that when he was with that girl he realized that somthing didn't feel right, he wasn't into "casual sex" anymore and that's why he went back to you. Maybe he learned from his mistake. maybe he was afraid to loose you if he told you the truth. He thought: " I can make our relationship work, I love her and than later on, when we are closer I'll tell her the truth" just like he did.

Now is stuff! Maybe he had good intentions, but he lied. Can you forgive him and move on? I've never been in a situation like that and I don't know what to do. There are women out there that have felt cheated that way and were able to forgive and move on. I admire that stregth because I don't think I could do it! I'm more like you. I don't think I would be able to forgive, forget and move on. I would be sick thinking of them all the time also.

I wish you the best, you may try to forgive him and if it doesn't work out move on! There are plenty of great guys out there. Stop trying to find bad boys, a challenge for you

to "change" or "improve". Why do you want to struggle with those kind of men anyway? Set your goals, decide what you want a boyfriend to be like (be realistic!) and if the guy you meet is not like that, cut your losses and move on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 1:52pm
Okay, I am no expert, but I have found that when someone lies about something its usually not the first time, especially when it is something that serious. I think he truly cares for you and doesn't want to hurt you, but will wind up breaking your heart even more if you stay with him. It doesn't suprise me that he lied to you because you flat out told him that if the answer was yes, they slept together, you wouldn't come back and he see saw that as an opportunity to sneak his way back in.

A wise person once told me to make a list of what my ideal husband would be (without the current man influencing it) and then compare the list to the attributes the current man has. We woman deserve nothing but the best and should never settle for less and if he doesn't meet the attributes (which I already know one attribute he doesn't have with regard to the sex issue that is important to you) he won't meet your needs and you won't be happy. That is key--for YOU to be happy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 9:15pm
You're first mistake is "trying to change people" bad or good for that matter. Who are you to try to change people? You don't respect people. If you love a person you accept them with bad and goods. You sort it out and decide if you can live with their bads and enjoy the goods. Your "bad boy" did cheat on you, he slept with someone else, BUT you say he'd never cheat. Noone does something to someone to get them into bed. For a change, stop dating and do some serious research within yourself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 2:17pm
Well, your first mistake is thinking that you can "change" a man. Why do you want to do that? It seems to me that you could use that time and energy to explore some issues within yourself.

Also, it should be no surprise to you that a man who has slept around in his past is going to continue to do that in the future. Look at a man and his behavior, not just what he says or what you want to believe.

If you find that you can't forgive him for what happened (while you were broken up, mind you, at which point he was a free agent), then find someone who has never had a one-night stand (good luck) or cheated on their past partners.

A~