Why do I feel like this now

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Why do I feel like this now
6
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 9:55am

Currently, I am in LA helping my best friend settle down into his new job. I am supposed to fly home on Sat., and I am not looking forward to that because this time I go home w/o my best friend and this is the first time he is staying out here. His bf is coming out the day I leave.

I have been out here for a week and I have spent a lot of time with my best friend, something of which I have not done IN YEARS. I had once dated my best friend many years in the past and we used to travel a lot and do a lot together. This is the first time in YEARS we have done this since my best friend found a bf (yes, he is gay). I was very much looking forward to spending time with him w/o the presence of his bf, but it is so different. It is different than it used to be. For one thing, he works during the day, so I take him to and from work, which is ok. It is so weird because he is staying out here and I am not (and LA is where I grew up and lived for 18 years). We are staying in a hotel and I share a bed with him for old times sake (nothing sexual though), but it doesnt feel like it used to when we ran around and had fun. Dont take me wrong, but I am having fun with him, and I have SOOO looked forward to spending all this time with him.

For one thing, I am scared about what is going to happen to me when I have to go back to WI by myself on Sat. Another thing is, I feel very sad out here because I miss my ex (My bf broke up with me about two months ago mainly because we werent compatible and because of my attachement to my best friend). I thought being around with my best friend would erase all the negative memories that are haunting me from my current breakup. It just makes me want to have a bf more, because although I love my best friend, he has a bf and it isnt like it was before.

Why do I feel all these things? And, to complicate matters, my best friend is doing his darndest to convince me to move out here and stay out here. I want to do that so much, but I am scared of that too.

What should I do? I am going to feel so lonely when I go back home and my best friend is gone and I am still broken up with my current ex.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 12:05pm

I don't know what else to say besides the advice that you've already been given: you need to build a life of your own where you are content and happy with your own company.

Until you do that, you're always going to feel lonely, whether you're with someone or not. It's a cliche, but you really do have to learn how to be your own best friend.

Have you given any thought to the suggestion that several people have voiced, that you increase the number and frequency of your counseling sessions?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:22pm

the bottom line is - you can't run from your pain, your best friend can't shield you or distract you or fill a hole enough for you to keep you from going thru the pain of the breakup. in other words your best friend can just be a best friend, not someone who can erase negative memories. while you're with your friend, talk about your feelings toward your ex and the loneliness and fear and pain and about your friendship


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 11-10-2005 - 1:33pm
Perhaps you are a bit homesick for LA, so leaving there and leaving your friend is going to be hard on you. Especially with the pain of a breakup. Aside from your ex, do you feel that you want to move back to LA? I know lots of people who make a new start after a breakup for many different reasons. But you need to allow yourself some healing time, before you make big decisions, such as a move. Your friend in LA sounds like a very good friend and he probably knows you better than anyone. Maybe he honestly thinks, you'd be happiest moving there. Since he has a bf, he wouldn't be asking with alterior motives.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 10:18am

Gingersnapelle, I do want to move to LA. I grew up out here and spent the first 18 years of my life out here. I do love it out here although I dont think I can afford to live out here the way I was able to when I was out in WI. It is expensive to live out here. My best friend wants me to move out here because he thinks it will help him adjust to life out here. He does cling to me because I make him happy and I am there for him, and we do have a good time (he loves his bf, but his bf is very demanding and can be verbally abusive to him). I also care about him a lot and I do alot of things for him so his life can go well. My best friend thinks it would do me good to move out here because my family is out here (although I dont get along THAT well with my family), he is out here, and also my health is better out here (because the weather is warmer and drier, I have less asthma and back problems).

Right now, I am very sad. I have to leave my best friend today because his bf is coming in for the weekend and he doesnt like having me around. I still havent decided upon a day to fly back to WI. It will either be tomorrow or Sunday. I dont want to go back out there, I want to stay here in LA, but I have a job to go back to, pets to go back to, etc. Right now, in the state I am in, I could just give up the job and not care anymore. I really dont care anymore. I want to be back here with my best friend. It is going to be so hard for me to leave. My heart is tearing into pieces, and going back to WI, where there is no one there for me, not really any friends, etc., is going to kill me.

I wish my bf had not broken up with me because, at least, I could have leaned on him, when I went back to WI. But, now I have nothing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 12:37pm
OMG! Your friend's bf doesn't want you around? It sounds like your friend needs to dump his bf and let you move in and be roomates! I think you should move to LA if you can swing it. I know how expensive it is in LA. I have friends out there. Do you think there is any way of moving there? Perhaps you can find a roomate? If your job is unfulfilling and you don't have many friends in WI, then I think moving to LA would be the best thing for you. What brought you to WI in the first place? Was it your job or your ex? I have seen many people move back to NY and NJ (who are originally from here), after a break-up or divorce. It was very theraputic for them to have family and friends around.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
Fri, 11-11-2005 - 1:42pm

My best friend is very attached to his bf, but he had a good time with me this week so he doesnt want to let me go either. As for the bf, he is very jealous of anybody/anything that takes time away from my best friend. In many ways, the bf is very jealous and overpossessive of my best friend, but my best friend allows it, why I don't know.

I am seriously thinking of moving to LA. It is very expensive to live here but I think my parents are willing to help me for the time being. Part of me is just thinking of picking up and leaving and then going about finding a job when I get out here. I am not sure yet what I want to do. I am scared of change.

The reason I moved from LA to WI was to go to college. I wanted to get away from my family, esp my mother because she is very controlling. I picked WI because it was reasonably far away and my mother hates the weather out there so she rarely comes to visit. I want to move back out to CA because I want change and to be closer to my best friend.