Why do I hang on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Why do I hang on?
9
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:05am
My boyfriend of a year is 32 and I am 44. So much to tell about him but if I did at this point and time most of it would be negative statements...but truth! He is an obitual lier and can't seem to tell the truth even when the truth would be easier. Everything about his friends or phone numbers that he has is "none of my business". He tells me that I don't have to know everything but I share all my facets of life with him and have always been up front about everything. Everything about him is secretive or lies and then when it gets down to me telling him he is going to have to move out he will confess up on whatever issue we are having our argument about. He tries to turn everything around that the reason he doesn't tell me everything is because I don't tell him everything. It is a constant no win situation with him and I have done everything I can to show my love and respect. I get nothing from him but lies, stealing from me, secrets, etc. He has spent some time in prison and then was left on his own living off the streets. I took him in when I found out he was living on the streets (co-dependency) because I cared enough about him to try and help, then I fell into the trap of"love", "lust" or whatever...I really do love him but I am fed up with his manipulative ways and I honestly feel the only reason he is with me is because he has no place to go. Nothing he says or does shows me a faithful and respectful love. He does have an addiction but I have had one of my own in the past and I would never lie or steal from the person I was intimate with. He tries to blame his behavior on his addiction but I still will never understand how the person your sleeping with and saying you love that you can steal from them and lie to them about everything. I thought my love and helping him would change his ways but I guess I'm just another one of those love stories gone bad. I hurt inside and hoped for a better relationship with him but I see no changes. He blames it all on his addiction but I don't nor will I ever see it as that. Is this his character and always will be or is there a chance for this straight up con to change his ways? I'm not getting any younger but he sure is getting the benefits of my home, car, sex, money, etc. I'm ready to throw in the towel but believe me I have already tried and he brings on the tears of sorrow and I break down and let him continue to stay and the emotional and psychological abuse continue....where do i go? and what should I do? He has no family nor anyone and that is what keeps me holding on in an aspect because I want him to know that there is a unconditional love in some of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:17am
angelofpassion44...

It's just a thought, but because your b/f has NO FAMILY....do you suppose his feelings for you are more along the lines of "an older sister?"

But to answer your question....YOU are holding on because you hope this man will eventually 'get his act together!' Sorry to be the bearer of bad news...BUT HE WON'T!

And the longer you continue to provide him with the necessities in his life...there's really no reason he should, is there?

So if you're miserable...give him a 2-week notice...and then if he refuses to leave, have him "escorted" out of your home. You might also want to consider getting a restraining order? A man with his...err...HISTORY...probably won't take your news very well!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:18am
Just let go.....Hon, it appears that this guy is an user and an abuser beside being an codependent. It seems that you're a codependent as well...you wanted to hep him. You're now in a codependent relationship and this kind of relationship is very difficult to break. Cut your losses now, don't give him a "time line" as this won't work with him. His manipulative ways will kick in and you already know this. This man is like a parasite. You say you're not getting any younger but sure this man is enjoying the benefits from the relationship witout any commitment, your home, your money, your car, etc. You can't control his behavior or his lies, BUT you can control your behavior...kick him out of your home, that simple. He's a big boy and can take care of himself. He'll soon find another woman to take care of him or he'll return to the streets. However, knowing what you've told us he'll be looking for another kind and codependent woman to take care of him.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 10:41am
Since you can't seem to stick to the decision you KNOW is best for you, perhaps seeing a good counselor and/or following a 12 step program such as Codependents Anonymous would help you to do so.

Good luck. Don't waste any more of your life...do you want to be 49 and still in the same, exact position?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sat, 08-28-2004 - 1:34pm
Hey - two years ago I dated a guy 12 years younger than me and it was not on older sister thing-

Obviously tho we were at different places in our lives.

He had the 4 bedroom house that he wanted to fill with kids.

I wanted to date and not take it as a serious relationship.

I don't think the age difference is significant if you both want the same things in life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 4:02am
I relate to some of what you have told me but the sister thing is totally not it. So many people try to read a reason in for a "age gap" relationship, what it means or what is it saying? Yes I have thought I'm having my mid-life crisis but if that's the case I would not have always been attracted to the younger guy or him to me. I have never really been into the older man but I'm not saying that I couldn't be attracted either, it's just that the younger attracts to me and I attract to them, problem is I attracted this time more then I can handle. Yes, I have even had my best friend of 30 years tell me the same. He has never had it so good. She called it a "Con Man's Dream", and that he would never have it so good as he has had it with me plus my classy looks she says. He is ungrateful for what I have done for him and given him, at least that is my opinion. I'm not wanting him to give me gold stars for the things that I have done but respect and honesty would be nice and I don't even get that. It was his birthday today and I went and bought the gifts, cake, flowers but could have cared less (to a point) whether I spent this day with him or not. I'm resentful for all that I have done and given and especially my heart to a guy that says he cares but gives nothing in return but great sex!!! Well halleluyah, and that can be gotten anywhere. I had hoped that my big heart and concern would open his heart to a new way of life and thinking. I have seen baby steps in his character but he thinks that just because he is intimate with me that everything of mine is his. Today I showed him different and when it got to a verbal confrontation because I left for 2 1/2 hours shopping for his "holier than thou" birthday, I was selfish and heartless leaving him all alone on HIS birthday. I had a call come to me earlier in the day from an ex-girlfriend (which I believe about what she says as much as what he says) as truth but it was enough to set me off. She stated that she had been with him since he had been with me and that he had not been faithful....well I can go with what she said or leave it alone but my gut tells me different in many aspects. The thing is after I kicked him to the curb today with a lot of drama involved he still came back and said he had no place to go and that to at least give him a week or two to get some money together and that he would leave. It has been a year and he just now got a job that he has worked for 2 days. It is to the point I don't care whether he has a place or not, my home is not his any longer and the tears of repentance shine on his face as I left him alone this day on his special day. I wanted him to feel what it feels like to be treated like a dog and know that I am now at a point of hate, not love. I realize unconditional love has no boundaries but my unlove has turned to conditions and he is going to move out and prove to himself first and foremost how to be a man, if he can't...oh well...I'm weary and broken hearted for his lies, cheating and stealing from me and no trust or respect for each other. I tried telling him today neither pf us was happy but he said that I listend to other people and that was our problem. I told him maybe so but if I could believe just one word that came from his mouth we might have had something to work with but he has lied so much that I would believe a complete stranger before I would believe him. He does have an addiction problem and he was brought up with a mother that died of her addiction last year. There are so many problems that I can't name them all but I have my own and I have really tried to show love and concern for this guy. I have throughout this year seen a spark of love toward me and in his own way he loves me in his odd way but I'm not staying in a relationship with someone I can't trust in any aspect, by word, deed or action. It's over but getting him out and completely out without a lot of drama is going to be a story itself. Thank you for your input, it is greatly appreciated and I know what I should do but putting it to action and completing it has been the hardest task to succeed at. With the grace of God it will hopefully all work out the best for both of us. Pain will follow for me in my heart because I invested a lot toward this guy. I truly fell in love with him but now I must reap what I sowed and realize that I can't change him or who he is anymore than he can change who I am and how I think and feel. Love has always been a heartwrenching thing for me. I think I will leave it alone for awhile and find some answers of who I am and if I like me. I think I do, or at least I did a year ago. Thanks again pianoguy, showing concern means a lot.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 10:42am
Two years ago I was asked out by a guy 12 years younger than me.

Even tho I typically liked younger guys not that much younger.

I was told by someone that the reason Younger guys are attracted to me and vice versa has to do with my energy level etc. I am also petite so I look alot younger.

What i did learn about someone that much younger is that you have to have a great deal of patience and understanding that what they are doing isn't out of meaness but experiences/

For me the aspects of his character were so special and unique that I was wiling to be understanding. (also some of the things he would get upset over would kinda make me chuckle because they were so silly).

So..... age isn't the issue it is the character of the person no matter what age.

My younger man relationship didn't work because of what we wanted in life but we are friends today and we sincerely care about each others welfare.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 11:50am
Honey stop wasting your time on a crack head. He 's never gonna be anything more than what he is right now. It should not be yor mission in life to " rebuild" this man into what you need him to be. The longer you stay with him the longer you put yourself in the position to be mistreated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 1:03pm
You are right to stop this relationship. This man will never change no matter how much love and affection you give him. There are some people out there that will just use the kindness of others. Unfortunately all you do isn't seen as a gift, it's an entitlement to them, and when you try to say, "I can't do this" they play on your guilt and say, "it's not MY fault".

Believe me I spent 5 years with an alcoholic/ cocaine addict. They will tell you whatever you want to hear to get you to stay with them. THEY need YOU, not the other way around. And the longer that you continue allowing this guy to use you and your things, the worse off YOU will be. My last straw with my ex? He took my car and lent it to some *buddy* who took off with it and pawned some of my things.

So the sooner you end this with him, the sooner you can heal and move on. Then you will be open to an honest trustworthy individual. Stay away from the *needy* guys who can't do for themselves.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 7:40pm
how long was he in prison for? the drug addiction thing is a hard one to deal with...you are making it worse for him by trying to show him unconditional love. he doesnt see that, dont you see? are you doing it for yourself? i was in a situation similar to yours, but the guy i was with at the time was mental. schizophrenic-long story. i think you need to wake yourself up and quit being a rug, because its not about being an ex-con, my husband was incarcerated for 13 years, from age 18 to 31. and he is amazing. his sitch was not drug or addiction related. point is i hate seeing women, people in general get screwed over because of their huge hearts. he wont change...maybe he will if he hits rock bottom, and maybe he wont. but you let go of him and do for yourself....and watch him like a movie....see what he will do. for gods sakes he's a man! he'll find somewhere to be, if its out in the park than thats because thats what he wants....maybe he'll go back into prison. do you really want this for yourself? love at this point doesnt have anything to do with it. be the ultimate best woman you can be and you can be bigger than life. please dont let a loser tell you otherwise. the bible says that men "should work, make their contribution to life" what happened to him that you have to do it for him? doesnt this make you embarrassed? i'm just wondering.