Why do I panic when things are great?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2006
Why do I panic when things are great?
3
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:10am
I've been dating a really great guy for the past couple weeks. He is very much into me...so much so, that at first, I was holding back and not quite sure how I felt about him. Oh, I loved the attention, but it was just not something I was used to getting. I'm usually the one throwing out more emotion in relationships. My best friend said I was hesitant because I'd just met myself. That if he wasn't giving off all the interest, I'd be pushing him with it. But since he is, I'm holding back. So up until yesterday--when all he did was come take me from work and take me to lunch--I wasn't really sure just how much I was interested. Something so simple as us laughing over something really silly and stupid turned something on in my brain and it suddenly hit me like a Mack truck---I really do like this guy. Now today...I'm depressed and anxious and feel panicked....WTF?!?! I don't know how to handle it. Crazy, but I feel like crying but I'm not sure WHY? There is no reason. I have these thoughts of breaking it off just to get rid of these feelings...but of course, its not what I want to do. HELP!!! Am I losing it? Has anyone else flipped out like this?? Is there anything I can do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 10:53am

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This is call self-sabatoge. You don't believe you really deserve to be loved, respected, cherished, pampered, so your 'crazy button' gets activated to put you into panick mode. Because unless you are in panick-mode, somethings not right. YOu see the 'panick' as part and parcel of love. that you MUST do/say/be all these things - and then your neediness and desperation causes the guy to back off and proves you right - that you really don't deserve a good guy and to be adored. YOu may be afraid of the intimacy that a real relationship requires - so you make sure you never get to that point.

You are choosing to believe in a negative POV - that this is too good to be true. No its not. YOu do deserve a good guy - but you won't allow yourself to accept that a good guy will actually want to be with you. And as soon as you 'like' someone you set off your panic switch so teh self-sabatoge program runs.

HOn, STOP and BREATHE. Think very clearly about what you want here? Do you want a relationship with a good man? Or do you want to panic? the panic serves NO GOOD purpose. It has no basis in reality and is ALL about you and your belief that you aren't good enough. As long as you hold onto that belief, you will continue to panic and push away the things you say you want - because you are more comfortable with not having (the panic)than you are with having (intimacy).

Sure, getting out of your comfort zone is sometimes scary - but until you get to a point where the panic is more uncomfortable than the risks of intimacy, you will continue to panic at the first sign of it.

Work on your self confidence - get crystal clear on what you want in your life and stop focusing on what you don't want - it doesn' nothing but draw more of the same. Some people just are more comfortable in a 'lack' state and will act in a manner to keep themselves there - and its all based in not believing they deserve anything wonderful.

Basically when you are truly ready to recieve love (or anything esle for that matter) you will not sabatoge it, get freaked by it, or run from it. You will fully embrace it. Look at why you are not really ready to be loved by another. Could be becasue you don't really love yourself that much?

The only one to suffer is you. So when you are tired of suffering, you'll do the work to change what you need to change so you can accept and allow all good things.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 3:24pm
You and I are in the same boat I have just started to date a really nice man of course now its time for us to either make it or break it for like you I got scared ran away and then ran back to him I am blessed to know my current guy for the past 12 yrs now had this been with someone else they would probably throw in the towel by now ! LOL I think I got scared for like you I never had anyone love me as much as I love them matter of fact that is why my marriage ended not enough love and lack of it to be in a realtionship where I know have that love that I always wanted man it scares the crap out of me I assume I am going to mess it up so might as well dump him before he dumps me but to stop my freaking out and finally accepting this love that I currently have well I took a deep breath and I looked at the big picture the truth is I really want this man to continue to be in my life and now as I said before I am finally staying and being consistent with my feelings and most important of all I felt that I didn't deserve it now I know that I do hey its OK for a man to love me and stay with me and be supportive of me you deserve it too my friend so hang in there and be strong and don't cry anymore for your not a bad person you deserved to be loved so enjoy it HUGS

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Fri, 02-09-2007 - 6:23pm

<< Why do I panic when things are great?>>

Because, at a core level, you don't really believe you DESERVE it. Simple as that in theory ... but, actually, its complicated on an inner level ... you have to learn how to love yourself into loving relationships.