why do i still want to call?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
why do i still want to call?
7
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 1:20pm

I was dumped via email yeseterday morning. Ouch! I'm 28, he's 30. I realize he's a coward. I accept and understand that this is for the best. LIttle background. He talked a big game. Said all the things I've TRAINED myself not to take to heart (I've been looking for you my entire life, you're "it" for me, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with you, nothing will scare me away). We met online and it was long distance. One month. Now it's over because we had ONE fight and after I realized I had allowed myself to be munipulated by him I let him know how I felt. He had said I wanted to change him so I told him if he truly thought that he needed to let me know and to think about it for a couple days. Well after four days of silence, an unreturned text message and voice mail I got the axe via email. He used the word violatile several times and had decided that "Clearly" ours would be a violatile one (just as his last one had been) because I brought up something he felt was resolved.

Ok. Obvioulsy this person goes from one extreme to the other and is not healthy emotionally, put the blame on me and completely shut me out. I realize that the red flags were there all along and I even acknowledged them. And yet I WANT TO CALL HIM!!! I want to tell him how I feel. I feel like I was never given the chance to reconcile. And even though I know the healthiest thing is for me not to reconcile, attempt it, imagine it...right at this moment I want to.

I'm trying REALLY hard to stay focused on other things. I'm in shock I guess. Even when you know it was too good to be true it still hurts like hell. I know there are many other women out there who have gone through the same thing. I guess what I'm looking for is some encouragement, insight, or similar stories. Sometimes it's just comforting there are other women, and men, who go through this same thing everyday.

Part of it is that I'm just tired of "being out there" - in the great sea of single fish. I've really REALLY put myself out there as I know many of you have. I feel slightly defeated and emotionally exhausted. Ok. I could go on for days.

thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 2:18pm

I think it's completely understandable what you're going through. Of course you want to call--you want to say your piece. I think we've all felt that.


Rather than fighting it, embrace it but in a different way. Take out a few sheets of paper and write everything down. Curse at him, scream, tell him what you think, anything you want. And then put that letter away for at least a 24 hour period. Take it out, re-read it. And then re-write it adding things you forgot. Keep on doing this until you have everything you wanted to say perfectly. And then burn it.


The other thing I would do is make a list of all the bad things. Make a list of everything you dislike about him. Put it right next to your phone. Everytime you want to call him, read that list. Do it as many times as you need to.


I've done these things and they've helped me in the past. I hope they'll help you too. Just remember, what you're going through is completely normal.


Kerry


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 10:30pm

thanks for your kind words. i'm doing okay. it's real back and forth. When the words he spoke so confidently pop into my head i start to get that panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach and a lump in my throat when reality hits me - he doesn't want to ever see me again. And i shouldn't want to see him but I want to. writing does help - i keep a journal - in fact my hand is sore. I feel betrayed emotionally...he said he'd never be scared away. RED FLAG!! i know i know!!! bUT STILL....who doesn't want to believe that.

I'll be okay. just need some time.
thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 4:54am

rsk30...

PG thinks this a "classic case of wanting closure!" You DIDN'T GET IT...AND YOU'RE MAD!

Not to burst your bubble, but many men don't want to offer closure...they just split! WHY? Because you're probably going to go 'ballistic' on us...and males (unless they're married or seriously exclusive with somebody) don't want to face your disappointment (aka ANGER) again!

You know better than the rest of us if you actually "manipulated him?" But the moment a man feels 'cornered' by a woman and doesn't want to be, he's gonna do his best to BREAK FREE!

I'm sure you're hurting a lot today? But try to remember that all dating relationships aren't going to be successful. "You pay your dues...you take your chances...but there are NO GUARANTEES!" .

Try and cheer up. You might be a LONELY SINGLE FISH....but perhaps you need to start 'swimming' in a different pond?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Mon, 01-23-2006 - 11:35am

Hey PG

Thanks for your response. I think it's unfortunate that so many assume that a woman who is assertive with her feelings equates to opening a can of you know what.:) I completely understand that many women respond that way - emotionally, with anger and yelling. But I'm not that woman and yeah, it drives me crazy that I wasn't given the chance to tell him how I felt. He is a coward and is carrying mucho emotional baggage that he clearly has not worked through. Truly, he is in the pond I do try to avoid - but sometimes it's hard to resist, even though I've worked on myself a lot and have been making MUCH better choices for myself in my personal life.

While only he knows what truly makes him tick it was clear from his email to me that at the first sign of a hurdle he saw trouble without even givng me the chance, or US the chance, to work it out. Fear is a powerful thing and it's easier to give into it and run away than to face it and work through it. He put past relationship stuff on me and obviously doesn't know any other way to do it.

I am disappointed. I'm doing okay. It's when his words of "you're 'it' for me" run through my head that I get teary eyed. He was in love with the idea of love. I know in the end I'm MUCH better without him. Still, it sure does hurt.

thanks:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:47pm

I WENT THROUGH THIS but on a somewhat larger scale. My ex and I were together for nearly two years. He was so quick to declare his love for me, that I was "it", etc. He talked about marriage, he absorbed me into his life and then POOF - he freaked and started breaking away from me. POOF - he broke up and POOF he was back. This went on for about a solid year before POOF he flat out dumped me and immediatley started dating another and younger girl.

I do believe its emotional abuse though. Beware of the men who speak of love so easily. You have to understand that it takes a while for two people to (1) get to know eachother and (2) fall into a relationship. One month is just not going to do it. Whatever you begin to feel twoards a potential boyfriend/girlfriend inevitable evolves.

Be thankful that your experience was short because I was so convinced by my ex's assurances and promises that I allowed myself to stick with him and try and work it out when clearly it was an unhealthy situation.

And I still hurt today. BTW, I have made the phone calls and and it never is satisfying. And truthfully, he knows he has hurt you and that is why he wont face you. There is nothing he can do to soothe you through this. Dont expect closure here, unfortunatley. If you are anything like me, then you may be hoping that he will realize what about you was so powerful and tempting to him back when he was sweet talking you. But that WONT happen. He knows how he felt, but he knows he does'nt feel the same way now.

THAT KIND OF IMPULSIVESS is such a red flag. Its the exact kind of person we call "FICKLE." Its unreliable and not a truth. You must be sad, I know what its like. Best of luck and but also thank god he is gone - this type of guy can be very dangerous emotionally.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 5:33pm
I dated a guy who suddenly went MIA. Not suspecting anything, I called him one day and left a message. No returned call. I e-mailed him later in the day. No response. Two days later, I called him again and left another message. It was Saturday night (our usual date night). Then I realized that was Sean's way of breaking up with me. So I got no closure and I was pretty upset about that. A month or so, later I got an e-mail from him telling me he was "going through a lot of things" and wasn't ready to date anyone now, but maybe in the near future. I didn't respond to that e-mail (the desire to get some closure was diminishing by that time). About six months later, after I'd forgotten about him, he called me. I answered the phone, because I didn't recognize the number. He point blank asked me why I didn't respond to his e-mail. I said there was no point in responding. He said "but didn't you want some closure?" I said "nah!" He asked me what I've been doing with myself lately, and I just said, "same old, same old". Then I told him I had to go. I got more satisfaction out of him being taken aback by my behaviour than I would have if I had gotten closure.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 5:45pm

Ha! That's great.

I would really love it if that happened to me with my ex who disappeared on me without a word after we were involved for a year and a half. But unfortunately after nearly 3 months of not hearing from him, I am still desiring SOME sort of closure. I'm hoping that if and when he ever does call me, I'll be past the need for it and have gotten my own closure.

Sheri