Why do men use me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Why do men use me
8
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:36pm
I'm a very generous person to my family and friends. My kindess often is taken advantage of and I find myself being used.

For example, a male friend of mine (platonic)is fighting a court case and need money for attorney fees. I've helped him financally in the past. This time I wasn't able to because I donated money to the burial of a relative. He called me yelling, upset that I helped bury a relative instead of giving the money to him. He said my relative is dead, why throw my money in the ground.

I've been dating a guy since May. He works, but has financial trouble. A few emergencies occured and he asked me for money. He promised to pay me back in a few days. Something always comes up, so he never pays me back.

I pay for all of our dates. Yesterday, he asked me for $80 bucks. I didn't give it to him. Today, he called upset because he's at a conference and don't have lunch money to eat in the dining facility. He made a smart comment saying "If I eat here, I'll have to do the dishes". I'm not obligated to give him anything. I have given him over $1,000.00

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 3:56pm
Because you let them.

You haven't got self-esteem or self-respect - so you're willing to affiliate with anything - and to affiliate - you've got to "buy" their attention.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:19pm
I guess the quickest answer would be "quit loaning money". But there are probably underlying, psychological reasons you give people money. Perhaps it would take therapy to sort some of them out. I am not going to judge you, because I'm having some difficulties right now that are somewhat similar. I'm married now, but when I was dating, I never went out with someone unless he asked and he payed. I only pitched in after the first 5 dates or so. I wanted to be sure he really liked me, and wasn't just wanting someone to hang out with. If he paid on the first few dates, that let me know he was 'courting' me, not just wanting me as a hang-out buddy. My advice is quit giving these people money. My husband has a similar problem with some "friends" of his right now (which I've posted about on a different board). He seems to feel that a true friend will always loan money. My feeling is, loaning money has no place in a friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:21pm
You already know why this is happening. You have to stop being so nice and learn to say no. You don't need a reason except for the fact that you friend never paid you back and neither did your boyfriend. If your friend was really a "friend" he would have never been so selfish and said what he did to you.

Your boyfriend needs to stop mooching of his girlfriend and get a better job if he can't afford lunch.

YOU have to stop giving people money.

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:32pm
Thanks, Alicemaychang

I feel the same way as you're husband. I feel true family and friends will help each other in a time of need. Sometimes, I do feel guilty for saying no.

For example, My sister is a single mom of 3, hardworking person. Her car broke down and she asked me to pay for the repair cost and would pay me back later. I said no. But, felt sad because it was hard for her to get to work, take the kids to their soccer games, etc.

Then she laid on the guilt by saying "in a time of need you know who loves you"

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 4:59pm
I know it can be difficult to turn people down sometimes. What I try to do is, try to offer some kind of non-monetary help. If your sister's car broke down, you could offer to give her kids rides to their soccer games, instead of giving her the money for repairing the car.

Now, I do find it strange that people who have a job, can't afford to buy a lunch, or bring one in a sack or something. I used to have a co-worker who would always borrow money from other people in the office to buy lunch. She would say she was broke. Her and her husband both worked. She spent a lot of money entering her daughter in beauty pageants, though. I think often you will find that the reason people are "broke" is because they don't manage their money very well. Or, spending a lot of money on things that are "wants", not "needs". So, don't feel too sorry for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:04pm
I'm very sorry that you are being treated like the bad guy when you do want to help! I think it's only fair to stand up and say no, especially if the people aren't paying you back. It's one thing to help someone out in a dire situation, it's another to be the *backup plan* for those who can't be bothered to help themselves.

Who gives anyone the right to tell you how you spend your money? Drop the manipulative fake friend who demanded you help him pay his legal costs! He's not a friend, he's a leech and only wants you for one thing. He's the one who got himself into the mess, why should you bail him out? He can get a loan from a bank to pay for the court fees, that's what the banks are there for- I know, I got a loan to pay for a lawyer when I split with my ex.

And the same with your boyfriend. If he's constantly complaining about money and begging for help, then giving him money isn't helping. You can't solve money problems with money. He should be talking to a financial advisor and a debt consolidation company, not hassling you. So what if he doesn't have money for lunch? How is that your problem? Why does he have the *right* to take your hard earned money? He's working, he can buy groceries and pack a lunch. Mr. Noodles don't cost that much.

Now I can fully understand why you are really upset about your sister. I'm sure it's hard enough to watch her struggle on her own with the kids. But again, why should you be the backup plan? People need to be responsible for their own lives and that means saving up money for emergencies. If that means she has to take the kids dad to court to ask for more support, then she should do that. But I agree with the other poster who said that you could offer your help with non monetary things, like picking up the kids once or twice. But if you don't have the time, you shouldn't allow others to bully you into saying yes.

I think you have done the first step in recognizing the problem. I'm sure it's hard for these people who have come to view you as the open bank yes person to suddenly say, "sorry bank's closed, no can do". Of course they are going to try bullying tactics and guilt trips. They aren't getting what they want from you, because you're beginning to put your foot down. The relationship you have with these people are really one-sided, what do YOU get out of the relationships???

So until these people can respect you and even pay some of the money back, I wouldn't worry too much about keeping touch with them. They don't value you as a person as much as they value the open check book. Until they get their priorities straight and realize what a wonderful person you are, they aren't worth your time. You're just wasting your energy.

Stand up for yourself and you will be proud. It's your hard earned money, you have a right to do with it as you please. And you will see, once you're not supplementing someone else's income, you will have more to save and spend on yourself.

I wish you the best.

Alison

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2004
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 7:21pm
LOL well you won't help your single mom sister but you freely give money to friends and your moocher boyfriend??? WOW! You are trying to buy love dear and it just doesn't work, all it gets you is a bunch of losers freely willing to take your money with no conscious about it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2003
Thu, 09-16-2004 - 8:57pm
Men use you because you allow them to by never saying no. Perhaps, to get attention and acceptance you're willing to go the extra mile.... You are a "bank GF" who is willing to help out at any time and under any circumstances. When you say "I can't" they get upset because you've allow them to think that they can get a "loan" from you at any time. It's not your problem if they don't have money for food or shelter over their head and it's not your responsability to provide them. When you get the courage to say "no" and mean it men will stop "using you".