Why do you think dating is so hard?
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Why do you think dating is so hard?
| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:46am |
Dating just seems so difficult these days.
| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 11:46am |
Dating just seems so difficult these days.
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I'll take a stab at this since it's something I have often wondered about myself...
I do think dating is harder than it was years ago, and I think it's because our standards have changed. Every day we are bombarded with media messages about being a fantasy man or woman. Men are told it's their God-given right to have a woman who looks like Christy Turlington or Halle Berry, who also has the confidence of Hillary Clinton, but who is sweet, sexy, supportive and nonthreatening as Miss America. Women are sold on finding a funny man... a Jerry Steinfeld or Eddie Murphy-type... who is also strong, masculine and attentive to a woman's needs. Wow. Tall orders!
But these are the fantasies we're being fed, and we're swallowing them whole. Look at how crazy we've become over celebrities! Movie stars and stick-figure heiresses have become our role models?!!
I think all this media pressure causes our dates to become quirkier than they ordinarily would have been on a date. They become self-conscious because they fear they don't measure up. It becomes self-fulfilling prophesy because many of us HAVE become super-critical. Your next Internet date might be a perfectly fine but ordinary guy, but you've got that fantasy image plastered in your head so even little flaws seems gigantic. We don't have much patience for awkwardness on a first date. We're even told we are chumps if we overlook certain things because we're "settling."
The other problem is simply a matter of the numbers. Single women tend to outnumber single men, and especially in large cities. Unfortunately, the discrepancy widens as we get older. Both men and women get divorced but men remarry quicker. And they tend to marry younger women. *sigh*
I'm afraid I don't have many answers to these modern-day dating dilemmas, except to urge folks to stay positive but realistic. Some people will have behaviors that are definitely dealbreakers and no one should put up with things that make them want to spew. But most people are just ordinary, and ordinary people have a lot of flaws. So be patient. And don't judge YOUR date by your girlfriend or guy friend's criteria.
Finally, I think it's extremely helpful to adopt a calm, relaxed attitude, because it will not only keep you from becoming unhinged about dating, it will bring you better results.
I think a fundamental issue in dating today is Expectation Management.
We live in a world with a lot of instant gratification and this has made it's way into dating and relationships. Many people have a detailed list of what they expect from dating and relationships and they want it all ASAP. If they don't get it all ASAP, the budding relationship essentially becomes disposable.
I think we have become very internally-focused, seeking to find the person that will deliver on our needs. Unfortunately, this limits our ability to recognize and accept the value the other person is actually delivering.
I think it's a combination of things, but for me, at least, it's hard because there just don't seem to be a lot of HONEST single men of good character out there in my dating pool. I don't know if that's because our society as a whole has evolved to the point where we put less emphasis on those qualities being worthwhile, or what (but I do think it has something to do with it).
The other thing that comes up a lot is emotional health...there are a LOT of messed up people out there! I'm not saying I'm a paragon of emotional health and maturity...I have my issues like everyone else ;-), or that I need a partner who is "perfect" (I don't) but I've done a lot of work on myself and think I have a reasonably good grip on things, and want someone who is the same way. So many people aren't. And I'm just not willing to settle for someone who isn't, in order to not be single.
And that's another thing...we have choices we didn't always have. People settled more in the past, I think...they may not have been happy, but they made the best of things, because they didn't think they had a lot of other options (including staying single). I don't think anything I want is unreasonable, by any means (it's nothing I don't and can't offer a partner in return), but nevertheless I'm not willing to settle for less.
And there's also the fact that a lot of men don't HAVE to commit in order to get what they want (sex and companionship). So long as there are women who are comfortable with that (or who pretend to be), a certain segment of men won't commit since they don't HAVE to. There will always be someone else to meet their needs when their current SO gets tired of waiting for him to commit.
Sheri
WOW! And I just thought it was time consuming and exhausting. Dating takes time and effort - compile that with a full-time job, school, and kids (flops on the bed exhausted).
lol
Cheryl
Cheryl
Loonar Gifts
My Blog
I agree with all of the other posts. Let me add some more. We don't live in a socially connected world anymore. Any social connection we do have for dating is pretty phoney and manufactured. What could be more unnatural than shopping for love on the Internet. People become catalogue items that are browsed at by strangers.
Instead of getting to know someone slowly, developing intimacy the old-fashioned way, we push into these online 'meets' and swap resumes trying to make a connection.
I would like to push back the clock and get into a more organic, natural way to meet people.
I also think too that our expectations in a mate are way more than what most of us can realistically expect. In the past, it was enough that she could cook and clean and was cute. Not enough anymore.
Unrealistic expectations, lack of places for a more normal way to meet = hard to date.
I have often wondered this!! Everyone has the basic human needs and desires, so why is it so hard to find someone to meet those needs and desires??
I certainly have no answer...
Hi Stacy!
Pianoguy deliberately avoided reading the 7 responses to your original question...but he'll eventually get back to them.
Here's a man's viewpoint....which, of course, is subject to agreement or argument.
How we handle our emotional disappointments is usually 'factored' into how quickly...or whether we wish to...move forward or not. Face it...when someone has been hurt badly in a relationship or a marriage, the desire to try again takes awhile to grow. If the pattern is consistant (after a 2nd marriage or 3rd relationship)---who's in a hurry to GO THROUGH HURT AGAIN?
Many of us are also 'career oriented'---which means our #1 life focus is on OURSELVES instead of a partner. I'm not suggesting that both options aren't possible at the same time, but it's inevitable that one (or both) will occasionally 'take a back seat' to the other?
I TRULY BELIEVE there's at least one or two partners out there for each of us.
But whether we're able to make the connection is determined by fate, along with the ability to start off as good friends.
Pianoguy
I agree with the previous posts. Plus I also think we live in a much bigger and more populated world than previous generations. We are intundated with choice - Perhaps, TOO much choice. Therefore, many of us probably spend alot of time dating and rejecting person after person - Even though some of them were good relationship material, they didn't quite fit the illusion of Mr or Ms Perfect that we have in our heads. Therefore, we continue to chase the illusion, hoping that he/she is out there somewhere, and if we just look hard enough, we will find them.
As alot of people have mentioned in previous posts - the illusion of the perfect man/woman, isn't always realistic or possible. I think alot of us are probably also chasing the fantasy of "Hollywood Movie" Love. We are brainwashed by these movies into thinking love should be an earth-shattering, whirlwhind romance, in which we live happily ever after. Of course, real-life isn't like that. The world is filled with flawed people, who have relationships filled with problems.
And I think because we have so much choice, people think it is easier to walk away from the problems, and find someone else, rather than trying to make a relationship work. Which is probably why the divorce rate is so high, these days.
~Cherise
Man PG... if we have one or two partners, then at the ripe old age of 32 I'm done for! LOL. I've had a marriage and two loves...
*goes to pack her bags for the next shuttle to Singlesville*
hehe *hugs*
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