Why does this always happen to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Why does this always happen to me?
3
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 1:22pm

Where do I begin? The last relationship that I had was over a year ago... I just started to date a guy that I had been friends with for 5 years. We were really good friends but never "got together"... We discovered that recently we both were single and interested in giving it a shot... We had gone through break-ups, unplanned pregnancies (his not mine) in the time that we were just friends. Needless to say we were there for each other through the good and the bad. And confided in each other all of the time. For example: when I found out about his pregnant ex ( who he wasn't dating at the time but still sleeping with ) he knew I was disappointed in him before I even said anything. I supported his decision to go back to his ex and try and make it work for the baby's sake... It didn't last.. he moved out at the beginning of the year... He is a very good day and see's his son every day....

Any way we decided to start dating a couple of months ago... Since we were friends first it was wonderful! (Great to quote him) We had fun together whether it was just the 2 of us or if we had his son with us. We live about 60 miles from each other ( which in Western Nebraska is not far) and so we usually spent the weekends together and usually saw each other sometime during the week as well...not to mention talked on the phone daily. When I left for work last Monday everything was great! He helped me carry my bag to my pick-up and kissed me good bye told me to drive careful and to have a good day. I talked to him the next morning and things were still ok and we were making plans to attend a friend’s son's birthday party the next weekend. Then I didn't hear from him the rest of the week. He wouldn't return phone calls and just sent a text saying that he needed some time to think and that he didn't want to talk for a little while. By the end of the week I was at my wits end... I had a friend call me (which just happens to be his roommate) to see if I was ok as he knows that J hadn't been talking to me... Then came the blow.. he had heard around town ( a town of about 500 people) that J had been with his son's mother.... I drove to J's and asked him what was up.... he just looked at me and said “I slept with Amber "..... Wow!!!! I about died.... I asked him why? Are you still in love with her, do you want to go back to her (he has never wanted to be with her since he dumped her before he got her pregnant... but doesn't stop sleeping with her!)...” No!” he says... "I don't want to get back with her.. I am a loser and no good and you don't deserve to date someone like me." "You deserve better" .... What kind of excuse is that!!!! So we continue to talk about how we care for each other and how he doesn't know why but that he doesn't deserve to be happy and doesn't deserve me... Did he sabotage it on purpose??? We were both happy and all of the sudden... bam!!! Why would a guy would was happy with the new relationship that he had try to end it? He knew that if he slept with her (I can't say had anything to do with her since she is his son's mother) that would end everything... even the friendship that we built over the last 5 years....

I don't get it!!!! I have had the worst luck in the last 5 years (well maybe the last 35 years!!! all my life maybe) I dated another guy 5 years ago and we were together for 2 years.. Talked about the future etc... And then one day he tells me that he needs to figure out what he really wants poof gone!!! I then thought I had found "the one" someone that I was able to set at home and relax with as well as go dancing or go to a rodeo to watch him rope.... a year later " I not sure what I want .... I think I am going through a midlife crisis" I need some time to figure things out..." needless to say over a year later( just recently) he has figured things out and wants to reestablish contact! And now J.... All of my friends know all these guys and me (and are actually friends with them as well).. They tell me that I am a nice gal... sweet and caring...and attractive and that the last two tell them that they shouldn't have let me get away.. What is it? Are they scared? I don't push marriage or children, even though I would love to be married and have kids.... but they seem to bolt when things step up a notch.... HELP!!! I am so tired of playing this game!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 2:41pm

I hate to point out the obvious....but this guy was a bit of a loser when you were just friends with him. He had casual sex outside of a relationship with a woman where he failed to use birth control. A tiger does not change his stripes. Your ex finds comfort in not having responsibility, not having a relationship. He's happy having casual sex. You want a committed relationship so this man is not for you.

You don't push marriage and children, so you are finding men that don't push marriage and children. If you really want marriage, children, relationship, commitment you need to find a man who is willing to talk about these things very early on. If you want to change your luck you are going to have to ask many more questions about these men's histories, their objectives and their future.

Perhaps you are so scared of rejection that you are willing to take what comes your way hoping that the men you choose will turn into what you want along the way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2005
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:21pm

I see you point completely... and know that I deserve better than J.. just frustrating that it always seems to crash...

I do usually talked about wanting to have a family etc..early on..to see if the guy is looking for a good time or is looking to settle down ...when I do discover that is what they say they want too, then I don't continually talk about wanting kids and getting married... we do talk about it from time to time but I don't harp on the subject... and then I have a friend who "continually talked about it and went as far as buying her wedding dress before he asked her and is now married... don't understand...

What do you think about the guy that I described as "the one" ( T) that needed some time and is now interested again? T has not dated since we broke up over a year ago and J was the first guy I went out with since we broke up....T continues to tell a mutual friend that he made a mistake and asks how I am doing etc... Do I give T a chance? Is it possible that he did need to figure out what he wanted and that we could still make it work? I have never stopped caring about him... and it seems that actually he might still care too... in the year since we were together I didn't want to date... I don't know if I went out with J just because.. It is very possible... and I have to admit that I wasn't all that upset when I found out J cheated on me ( I think I expected it)... I am very emotional and when T decided that he needed to figure things out I lost it.. Who knows....I wish that it was easy... Thanks for your advice.. I usually know these things but need someone to spell it out for me to wake up....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Tue, 07-25-2006 - 4:45pm

Sometimes men will tell you exactly what you want to hear to keep you hanging around. On the 3rd date when you tell them that you want marriage and babies, they will tell you they want the same thing because they know that is what it takes to make sure they get the friendship, intimacy and sex they are seeking. However, if you never mention it again they will think they are off the hook. When the relationship grows stale or something better comes along or you start asking for specifics, they will fly the coop.

A man who wants to get married will continually bring the subject up because he is going to want to know whether he is wasting his time. A smart marriage-minded woman will do the same. Your friend bought that dress because her man was willing to talk about marriage and babies, often.

You can go back to T, you can go back to J, but these men are probably just interested in that intimacy, friendship and sex that you provide. My guess is that if you called T up and told T that you would love to date him again but are looking to be married in 6 months to a year he will run like the wind. Don't bother with men that need to "figure things out", they are confused and will probably spend the rest of their lives figuring things out. You need a man who has already "figured things out" and wants a committed marriage-minded relationship. T and J aren't it.