why does he do this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
why does he do this?
11
Sat, 12-11-2004 - 2:51pm
So I've been seeing this guy off and on since last May, we slept together the first date we went on(the second time I seen him), and it was my first time. He didn't call for about a month after but finally did once he ran into my friends at the bar and felt all bad and was asking about me. When he called he said he was sorry for not calling and thought I didn't want him to because of the way I acted the morning after our last date. Which I can kinda understand because I kept calling him a cab and when it was taking too long I kept calling again, so he thought I was trying to get rid of him. It wasn't that I wanted to get rid of him, I just felt all hungover and wanted to relax and be alone, since it was my first time. I apologized and told him I didn't want to get rid of him or anything, and sorry if it seemed that way. So anyway, we hooked up again, and the second time we didn't sleep together, just hung out. Then he called the next day, and we went out again, this time slept together again, a few times since we ended up spending the whole 2 days together and we both even ditched work on monday to be together. So again, I didn't hear from him for about a month because he supposedly lost my number then found it again. So we got together again, hung out and didn't sleep together. I called him a few days later just to talk and he seemed happy I called. He told me to call him on the weekend but I didn't because I wanted to see if he would call me. But he didn't. So now it's been 3 months I haven't heard from him.
So it's now December, and I happen to run into him on the weekend. I see him on friday and and he apologizes for not calling. Then I ask what he's doing the next day and says he's busy. But yet he happens to show up where I am the next day(I may have told him where we were going..I don't remember), so of course I was all happy and surprised he showed up. We hung out and all went back to my place after. We didn't sleep together but were so tempted, I feel so much for him. We just cuddled and carressed all night. We have a lot of fun together and it just feels so right when I'm with him, and I get the feeling he feels the same way!! But I just don't know. I think he has a lot going on in his life right now and I understand that, and I told him it's ok I understand. He has a new baby only about a year old, and supposedly he is not with his ex anymore, he basically was spilling his guts to me telling me everything, and I listened. He asked me when the last time I had sex was and I lied and said a couple weeks ago. Just to make him jealous. Then he told me the last time for him was with his ex, so obviously in that time frame we weren't speaking. Anyway, I know this is long and I'll probably get no reply because who the hell would want to read something so long about someone else's problem. But whatever, it felt good to spill it out anyway. I feel so much for him and wish he would just be with me already, and he says all these things to me that really make me believe he feels the same. He even told me he has dreams about me. But who knows, maybe he's just full of it and playin me. Or maybe I just have to be patient? I know he is hurt from his last relationship, but I can't go on waiting like this and feeling so out of his life. By the way, it's been a week now and I still haven't heard from him, I tried calling him twice but he wasn't home the whole week. And I believe he wasn't home the whole week, he has a lot going on(that I don't know about which worries me). He's the one who said he hopes I call and hopefully it won't be another 3 months till we see one another. So I'm still waiting. He doesn't have my new #, but that's why he told me to call him, so I did and left it with someone at his place to pass on the message. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. And I apologize for this being so long, but it's a long story.... hopefully with a happy ending.


Edited 12/11/2004 3:08 pm ET ET by iammisery

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 1:37pm

Words are wonderful but actions speak louder. What are his actions saying? To me, they're saying that he likes hooking up with you every once in awhile but that he's not looking for anything steady. Sure the situations in his life may be overwhelming for him but that just means that now is not the time. Unless you want to wait around for God knows how long and wait to see if this man eventually chooses you, I would continue to live my life, date and look elsewhere.

Hope this helps. Keep us posted.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 2:38pm
He's doing this because you're letting him. You've set up a casual sexual relationship without taking the time to get to know him as a person and vice versa. You're each other's booty call, not friends on the way to something more. He's got loose ends to resolve...he's still sleeping with his baby's mom...is that really resolved and over? Sounds to me like it isn't.
It does happen. People do have sex on the first date and they do end up marrying...but it's not common and it's not likely. You didn't take the time to get to know one another, you went too fast.
Furthermore, your lie 'to make him jealous'...his interpretation? you're cool, you have other men in your life when he's not around...you just confirmed that you are playing the field and that you are not out for a commited relationship.
If you want to play, play. There is nothing wrong with that. But if you're out for a relationship, this isn't how it's done. Let the guy get to know you first, let him invest in YOU as a person, find out that he's out for an exclusive long or short term relationship. Let it be known that you don't want something casual. There's no such thing as scaring someone off when he's interested.
Finally, everyone has baggage...what's he doing about it? Using it as an excuse to not commit? Pay attention to that...a lot of people do that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 3:06pm

I totally agree, this guy is just using you as a booty call when he sees you. Since you seem to be wanting more than that, you need to be looking elsewhere. Just the actions of this guy alone are SCREAMING non commitment. Anyone who tells me "I've got alot going on" doesn't have time for you. Realize that the only time you're "hooking up" with this guy is if you run into him someplace. He's not calling you to hang out, but rather, hoping for a roll in the hay when he sees you.

If he was interested in something more, he would've been calling.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 6:46pm

HI,

I agree....you're a "convenience" to him. And I think he feels that is what he is to you as well. He's not looking for a relationship and you are...so do yourself a favor and find someone worth your time. Sleeping with a guy on the first date...usually never gets you anywhere...except sometimes satisfied in the morning. And if that is what one wants...then it's OK.

I suggest buying the book "He's not into you"...it's an eye opener. If a guy is not contacting you...he is not interested. If men want something they go out and get it...irregadless of baggage. And yes, everyone does have baggage...so do not use that as an excuse for him. He probably has other women he does the same thing with.

I'm sure there are a million wonderful things about you...so do not waste your time on a guy who cannot appreciate you. I know around the holidays it can be extremely lonely...but just imagine that in your future you'll be spending plenty of other holidays with a wonderful man.

So, forget about him. It's not worth the agony of wondering....when he's probably just living his life happily. So you do the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:33pm

Thank you all so much for your input, you don't know how much I appreciate it. I think I always knew in the back of mind that it was nothing more than a casual fling. But it helps to have input from others. I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, and no matter how much it hurts, I have to suck it up and accept that he doesn't want to be with me, rather than lying to myself hoping something more will happen and he'll come around. I guess it's just that he's the first guy I've ever had "real" feelings for, and I've never been in a serious relationship(I'm 24..sad I know). And maybe that's why I decided to give myself to him that night, just because I was so sick of waiting around and needed a change in my life. And it just felt so right. But it happens all the time, that's life, if you're handed a bowl of crap you have to deal with it I guess.

The part that makes me sick the most is how he got really upset last time I talked to him, I swear he was almost crying, and told me he doesn't even know if the baby is his, and he caught his ex(who knows if she even is or ever was his ex, he could've just said that to get me to sleep with him) cheating on him many times. It's not fair, I think she should be less selfish and set him free, rather than keeping him wrapped around her finger while she's sleeping with other guys. But then again, he does have a mind of his own and if he really wanted to he should get the balls to move on, but obviously he doesn't want to because he still loves her. And it's true, he can't use his "baggage" as an excuse. If he really wanted to be with me he would be. So I have to accept that. But what I do believe is Karma, what comes around goes around. And I don't believe a relationship full of cheating and lies will last, so good luck to them both!! Again, thanx so much all of you for the help in clearing my confuzzled head, I wish you all the best.




Edited 12/13/2004 2:06 pm ET ET by iammisery
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 2:21pm
So he actually called me yesterday, after 10 days!! Well I guess that's better than a month, but still I don't comprehend him. He called twice in a row, but I didn't answer it. And I don't have voicemail so he couldn't leave a message. But I'm not calling him back, if he really wants to see me he can try again, but if he does I will answer it. I just have suspicions... why would he call at 1:30 in the afternoon when he knows I have a day job, and not try back in the evening. Maybe he only called so that he can say he called so that he doesn't look bad, and conveniently picked a time that I would most likely not be available to talk. ??? Maybe I'm reading too much into it, I guess I'll just wait and see. I hope I don't cave and call him back though.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 4:16pm

Hon, you're reading WAY WAY too much into this.

The guy has never been "into you". You're thinking why call during the day when you KNOW I have a day job?! He probably doesn't remember your job, or your schedule, maybe not even your last name.

Every time that you've run into one another and hung out, you've ended up getting intimate or in some way physical. Every time that he's claimed he lost your number, he was graciously included and accepted into your arms and company the next time you two "met".

The guy isn't into "dating' you. You've tuaght him that you have no trouble hanging out and hooking up - without obligation or communication. HE doens't wnat to lose your number,he might need someone to hang out with or hook up with. But he's not calling you trying to see you - becuase if he manages to get thru to you and you say you and you two hook up - great....if not, he'll go elsewhere.

It's not that you did anything wrong...but he's not looking to date, he's looking to mate (and hopefully not procreate!)

Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:47am
Why did he call during a day? Lets see....He was at lunch and was thinking how to spend the evening. Probably made few calls and you were among them....Don't read too much into it. I went through the same just recently. I had my hopes up for almost a year! Nothing changed. I gave up.....finaly:) We still talk but nothing more. And I'm ok with it now:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 12:23pm
Well he called again last night, and I answered it. We made plans to see each other this weekend, I couldn't turn him down, but I do realize that this is nothing more than a casual thing or fling and I accept that, but the way I see it I'd rather keep in touch and see him once in a while rather than not at all. We have too much fun together. At least he seems to be making more of an effort now. I know some would disagree and say I shouldn't see him, but I'm doing what I feel is right. But I'm definitely not going to read too much into this, he just wants to hang out probably no strings attached, and I will do the same. I'm not gonna wait around for him hoping he'll want a relationship with me when I know he's not ready, so I will continue to live my life and date other guys, but I would still like to see him when I can. I also decided I'm not going to sleep with him when I see him, it just seems to complicate things, and if he still calls after that I'll know he's not just out for that one thing. We haven't been together in that way since last June, and he has called after that, so I just don't think that's all he cares about, I think he just needs a friend more than anything right now. Does that make any sense? Or do you think he is completely unhealthy for me and I should just stay away? I have been really upset because of him so many times, but yet I continue to be reeled back in when he wants to see me. I just don't have the strength to walk away, and I don't feel that I should walk away right now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:28pm
Sweetie,
If he wanted to be with you, he would call you much more frequently. If his guy does not call you for months at at time he doesn't want you. Sorry to be so blunt but it's the truth. It's a shame that you gave your vrginity to this dude but you should move on. When a man is interested he will want to court you. You know like take you out places, call you, come over to see you without it being about sex and stuff. You are enablung him to use you for sex when you sleep with him after not hearing from him for months. You deserve sooo much better than this but you will not receive it until you realize that you are worth it. If he wanted a relationship with you trust me the lines would be very clear and you would not have to wonder what is going on. I know how you feel, as women we often develop feelings for men after we have been intimate with them. I guess we expect them to feel something for us after we have shared our most precious gift with them. Sadly it rarely ever happens that way. A little piece of advice, in the future you should not sleep with a guy on the first date, if he did have any ideas about hooking up with you for more, he probably promptly changed his mind after having sex with you. For guys it's all about the chase, the more you hold out the more they want it, and the more they want it the more they are prone to work a little harder to get it ie, taking you places, buying you stuff etc. I'm not daying that theyu won't still diss you after sex, but you have a etter chance of it not happening because whwn you date, you also get a chance to get to know the person.
When you have sex first, it kinda kills it. I mean the reward in dating someone is to get to have sex, if you give up the reward first, there's nothing left but you and your hurt feelings. Hope this helps,
Peace

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